AIBU to think staying at home with children is undervalued?

[Amby99]

I’m not ignorant of the fact that staying at home isn’t financially possible or desirable for everyone, and I don’t think children who go to nursery are disadvantaged whatsoever . There are brilliant nurseries, brilliant working mums, and plenty of happy, healthy children being raised that way (and fulfilled and happy mothers)
However, I do wonder whether society (or the government) has become so focused on measuring “productivity” through paid employment that we’ve started to undervalue the work involved in raising a child.
Badenoch saying that the government doesn’t want to “punish working parents” in relation to childcare costs … it made me wonder why being a SAHM is so rarely viewed as valuable or productive in its own right.
Preparing my baby’s first solids, BF him, reading, playing, taking him outside, talking to him, letting him explore and generally being available. It feels like important work, yet because it isn’t paid it often seems invisible.
There are of course many advantages to nursery, and that work can be important for a mother’s identity, finances, career and mental health.
But why does the conversation seem to focus so heavily on encouraging parents back into paid employment, while choosing to provide that childcare yourself is rarely encouraged or valued in the same way? I’m not talking about mothers that sit at home all day feeding their child McDonald’s and claiming every benefit under the sun. I get why they may be encouraged back into the workforce and their children would be better off at nursery. BUT I’m sick of having to feel guilty of my choice to stay home. Every parent I know who was a parent in the 90’s stayed at home and it wasn’t so frowned upon.

I just think it should be seen as a worthwhile and valuable choice rather than something that needs to be justified because you’re “not working”.

People are only making small talk. What a total stranger says to you on a topic like this doesn’t signify anything.

People need to be careful about becoming too reliant on distrustworthy governments and trust themselves more.

Mine attend school, but when they became ill there during the heatwaves I temporarily switched to home educating. I have complete freedom and autonomy to do that, I will never be dependent on a school. I also have complete freedom to switch to a different school near or far if need be. It is liberating!

Sure, but only in the early days. Once a child is well established on solids, it’s not very relevant.

You don’t have to breast feed - I didn’t and after maternity leave you can still continue to breast feed if you want to

I don't recognise what you're talking about at all.

I think political parties talk about getting people into work because they want to get people off benefits in order to reduce the cost to the taxpayer. It's pretty obvious that they aren't talking about SAHPs that are funded by themselves or their partners.

As for funded childcare, I don't think anyone is being pushed into it simply by virtue of it being available to those who need it. I think it is you who are choosing to interpret it in that particular way.

And we're all irreplaceable to our children, whether we work or not. Obviously.

Yep and then these same people who talk about “farming out” children and “institutional childcare” will get angry about others not “respecting their choices” or complain about not having enough “value” attributed to the fact they can afford not work.

Well you do you, clearly no one is standing in your way in this instance, I don’t see the problem.

Personally, I’m very happy with my child’s school provision.

I am entitled to say how that made me feel. It is judgmental, narrow-minded and implying their way is the right way. How would you like it if people kept asking why are you back at work? Why aren’t you looking after your own kids? Etc.

That's a brilliant post!

It's the language that makes SAHP feel less valued as if work is the main thing rather than your new baby.

And I have friends who aren’t, and have stuck with really dire provision, because they are too trapped by their own job/commute.

Not a situation I’d ever have my kids in.

Right?! My new baby was the most important thing ever, I couldn’t stop smiling when I took him with me to hand my notice in! Such an obvious, beautiful choice, beyond grateful to my fantastic husband! 🥰

Sure, but many WOHPs breastfeed too, so it isn't really that relevant to the discussion. And we are parents for much longer than our kids need breastfeeding.

From my post!

It's ironic that the poster you have quoted talks about the importance of using neutral language while also using quite loaded language herself.

The potty training/toothbrushing issue is a well reported issue...as is children who've not opened a book before the age of 5.
But this is off topic, neither down to sahp or working parents. Imo this seems to be a problem with educating people on how to raise their children, and heavy reliance on technology being a babysitter.

Well you aren’t in that position, so what’s the issue?

Moving schools is possible for everyone, including working parents

Absolutely. If people asked, 'how long do you plan to breastfeed?' without knowing whether you mean to BF at all or not, or 'of course, you won't be going back to work, will you?', I'm sure people would quickly find that irritating and offensive.

I really don’t place much emphasis on questions strangers might ask me when making small talk about parenting. I highly recommend that as a strategy.

My daughter has always been the most important thing to me from the moment I knew that I was pregnant. I imagine that most parents feel the same, regardless of whether they work outside the home or not.

But using language that suggests working parents don’t consider their babies to be the most important thing is fine, apparently 🤷‍♀️

(along with the ad nauseum about handing in notice/lovely hubby and the twee emojis)

Sorry I don’t really understand any of this post.

I don’t know why my last post was a different take to the previous one.

I don’t know what you’re meaning in the main body of the post.

i don’t know why it’s debatable that SAH mothers are in a better position to cook from scratch than parents in paid employment .

Perhaps it’s relevant that my idea of a mother in paid employment is someone with more than one child, in full time employment or nearly so, without a helpful partner or particularly favourable employment circumstances and no mother within shouting distance.

If you are working reduced hours and your partner is too, he helps with domestic chores, plus you have a cleaner and helpful relatives nearby, and a job that allows you to ‘wfh’ whenever the fancy takes you , obviously you can do loads of cooking etc .

That’s not the sort of reality I have in mind,

You're actually being so misogynistic here.

You're basically saying she made a choice (probably a joint one with the baby's dad), and you think it's wrong because she chose to stay at home with her children and he agreed. Not one over the other. A partnership. But you're saying she did it because her partner didn't want to.

Maybe he did but put her choices first?

So she was the strong one.

You are suggesting she is an idiot doing her man's dirty work.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Respectfully you are hugely overthinking this interaction.

People ask when you are going back to work because its a standard question to ask of someone you don’t know like asking where you are going on holiday. Its boilerplate. Most people do work so it’s a perfectly rational question and its not in itself personal or sensitive.

You can’t expect people to read your particular perspective on this if they don’t know you.

Wasn't she just talking about how she feels? At least a few posters who WOH have said their children are the most important/valuable things in their lives, and they're so glad they continued in their careers because it benefited their children and worked out brilliantly for them, and no one's taking that as a slur against SAHPs.

This isn't helpful! You realise how this sounds...?