Should I leave or should I stay?

[canttakethisanylonger]

Sorry, this is a LONG one!
I was 24 when I met husband through his sister (my now ex-friend). Fast forward nearly 8 years, we have 3 children (6,4,1). Granted youngest was a surprise, I considered abortion because marriage wasn’t in the right place but ultimately chose to keep her.
I have 3 SIL who live in the same town and a MIL who lives with husband and children in our house . Husband had said we would buy a bigger house but he could never ask MIL to leave as she is elderly and he doesn’t want her in a care home etc. My dumb 24 year old self did not realise what this meant for the future.
As MIL lives with us , SIL believe they have free access to the house. Multiple occasions they come in, raid the fridge and cupboards, allow their children to wreck the play room so much so, I genuinely don’t have any peace. They ignore bed time, pitching up at 7pm and if they come earlier refuse to leave even when I’m towing mine up the stairs.
My issue throughout has been husband has never backed me always making out it’s me that’s the problem. Recently hes started saying it’s the “family home” and his siblings, their husbands and kids can come whenever the like and stay for however long they like. I want to stress here that when I was able, I happily hosted them. I’ve now had 4 operations due to health problems and am due a 5th next year which no one seems to care about including husband.
I’ve just learnt that MIL was meant to go stay at her daughters as husband and I took the children to Legoland for one night. She insisted she wanted to leave after us and now husband has happily informed me his entire family have spent the entire day at our house with his mum and she’s just now left in the evening. In my head all I can think about is the absolute carnage they must have left behind, not to mention I had just done the weekly shop and all those snacks have now definitely been eaten.
Am I just a horrible person (that’s how I’ve been described as by them) or are mine and my children’s boundaries being trampled all over?
Husband, his mum and sister are going away for 2 weeks near the October half term and I genuinely want to find a small rental and just move out? Should I? What would you do?

Whether you leave him or not, see a lawyer about the part deposit thing and to get advice about your share of ownership of the house.

Might be a stupid question. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel and the need for boundaries for your sanity and self-respect. You're working, taking care of your family... And more.

It sounds like he's a good husband, but cultural norms and precedent have skewed your family life and your household.

You are only early 30s I presume? Still do young. I would 100% be getting my ducks in a row and would leave. Your husband is putting his mother and sisters’ needs before yours. I can’t ever see this changing. You can’t put up with a life time of this. I’m sure your children would prefer being with you and not having their space constantly invaded.

Wow, no way would I be putting up with this! YANBU. Leave.

YANBU. You have tolerated being a doormat for long enough. How dare his family treat you like this. Why didn't MIL live with one of the other SILs (I assume they're older than you). This situation won't change until MIL passes away. I'd be planning my escape. ^^

So you are living with the MIL and don't talk to her at all? This is a beyond uncomfortable situation.
Can they MIL not live with the sister?
If you left, how would you pay for rent?

Of course it's an option.

I'm sorry OP it must be unbearable for you, as people have said hide the snacks etc. Why doesn't your MIL spend some time as her daughters house to give you a break ? It's not the family home, it's Your home, l would get ready to leave but since you are waiting for an operation perhaps wait until you had your operation
as you will probably need some help with the children until you recover.

Get legal advice and make your way out. He is not treating you as a partner he cares about and empowering a hostile environment for you. Im not a lawyer but your MIL cannot claim equity in property just because you live there.

Try to set up the house so that MIL's guests do not encroach on all of your home.
Can you easily make a small, self contained, flat within the larger house?
Invest in a small fridge and sink for MIL so she can make her own simple meals for guests.
Keep your door locked.
Maybe you need to buy a different house that is big enough to have two abodes.

I would move out while they are away.

God. Just move out. And move to the next village or something so you don’t have the family parading past your door every hour.

Go and find yourself a really lovely life. You sound so nice. I hope that your health improves.

Is your husband a lot older than you? If you're only 32 it's a bit odd that your MIL is "elderly". I would definitely leave in the circumstances you describe! I'd already have had a nervous breakdown...

I’d give my DH an ultimatum, you are not willing to live with his mother anymore so either she goes to live with another family member or you are divorcing. The reason is because she can’t stand you and so makes your living environment unpleasant. If the MiL goes, the rest of the family traipsing in can be tackled - if indeed it still happens. I think if you make it clear if that does not happen then you and the children will leave the home (and it will need to be sold anyway?), I am hopeful one of the SiL will take your MiL on. You will have to set a deadline and make it clear you mean it. You may even have to leave for a time or serve divorce papers to get the message through first.
If he won’t countenance his mother going, then for me it would be over. I couldn’t live like this. The stress on your body of living in an unpleasant environment will make you ill. Please get legal advice before moving out or issuing ultimatums though as you don’t want to put yourself at a financial disadvantage.

In what way is he a good husband? He puts his mum and siblings miles above OP in the pecking order, even though she is his wife and the mother of his children.

OP works and pays her way. She also contributed financially to their house deposit. She should have equal say about who does and doesn't come into her home.

4 bed! So the three children won’t have their own rooms because of grandma? You’re married so you’ll probably get a share of the house even though only his name is on the mortgage. Silly of you to give a deposit. However, you’re more aware now - you need to speak to a lawyer and leave.

Well, OP says he's not a bad (granted good is not the same as 'not bad' ) husband, that she loves him and about the cultural elements ..... Being stuck in the middle of cultural differences and expectations is terrible and it's good that OP has others with lived experience providing a different viewpoint https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5585210-should-i-leave-or-should-i-stay?reply=155128318&utmcampaign=reply&utmmedium=share

Yes I would leave in your position if you can possibly afford to get a place (you've mentioned that you work, which is excellent) even if it's just small and temporary. I know people say if you're getting divorced, stay put in the house and share if necessary but that's not going to solve your biggest problem which is the home constantly taken over by MIL, SILs and Co!

Your name is not on the deeds but as long as you are legally married you will be entitled to a share of the equity. You should protect your interest by putting a marital notice on it at the Land Registry (very easy and means he can't sell, transfer or remortgage without your consent). Do that as soon as possible. Take legal advice on divorce and the rest.

Can you manage with the kids on your own (though I assume dad will have them some of the time, we know he has family help. Will you be able to manage after your surgery? Have you got some savings in your name? I'm trying to think of all the practicalities. We'll done for not letting cultural expectations rule your decisions. It must be awful living with someone who hates you, in your own home!

You say he's a nice guy generally, and he possibly might be, but when it comes to a choice between upsetting you or upsetting his MIL/SIL, he chooses them every time. So you say 'is it a valid reason to leave just because you don't like the sisters visiting?' Well the issue is him backing you up when you say you don't want them to call - its your home, so if your peace and happiness is not important to him, then Yes, it is a valid reason to leave. Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life?

You can leave a marriage for any reason. But yours is definitely a good reason. It’s not about them popping around whenever. It’s that they have absolutely no respect for you or your home.

Update: Thank you everyone. I’m quite emotional with all the supportive messages I’ve been receiving. This has definitely given me the confidence to have a frank discussion with him so I will try it and see what he has to say. But yes, I can’t live like this any longer and I’ve realised I’m actually not being unreasonable!!!!

Oh also, all the snacks had been eaten, not to mention the sticky kitchen floor, bathroom a state and several toys missing. I’ll be listing these reasons in my conversation with husband!

I voted YABU for putting up with a second more of this shit.

They are cf who does that to family and also thieves, tell them to bring the toys back promptly. Tell your DH it's them or you, get legal advice and if your DH doesn't agree with you, plan your exit after your operation if you can wait that long.
Good luck OP you will need it.
Update us when you can

Its not the family home. That would be if you lived in mil house that she owned. Not the other way around. Ltb