Should I leave or should I stay?

[canttakethisanylonger]

Sorry, this is a LONG one!
I was 24 when I met husband through his sister (my now ex-friend). Fast forward nearly 8 years, we have 3 children (6,4,1). Granted youngest was a surprise, I considered abortion because marriage wasn’t in the right place but ultimately chose to keep her.
I have 3 SIL who live in the same town and a MIL who lives with husband and children in our house . Husband had said we would buy a bigger house but he could never ask MIL to leave as she is elderly and he doesn’t want her in a care home etc. My dumb 24 year old self did not realise what this meant for the future.
As MIL lives with us , SIL believe they have free access to the house. Multiple occasions they come in, raid the fridge and cupboards, allow their children to wreck the play room so much so, I genuinely don’t have any peace. They ignore bed time, pitching up at 7pm and if they come earlier refuse to leave even when I’m towing mine up the stairs.
My issue throughout has been husband has never backed me always making out it’s me that’s the problem. Recently hes started saying it’s the “family home” and his siblings, their husbands and kids can come whenever the like and stay for however long they like. I want to stress here that when I was able, I happily hosted them. I’ve now had 4 operations due to health problems and am due a 5th next year which no one seems to care about including husband.
I’ve just learnt that MIL was meant to go stay at her daughters as husband and I took the children to Legoland for one night. She insisted she wanted to leave after us and now husband has happily informed me his entire family have spent the entire day at our house with his mum and she’s just now left in the evening. In my head all I can think about is the absolute carnage they must have left behind, not to mention I had just done the weekly shop and all those snacks have now definitely been eaten.
Am I just a horrible person (that’s how I’ve been described as by them) or are mine and my children’s boundaries being trampled all over?
Husband, his mum and sister are going away for 2 weeks near the October half term and I genuinely want to find a small rental and just move out? Should I? What would you do?

I would work everything out in my head, finances, childcare, work and so on. And yes I would then leave.

I’d run for the hills my love.
You’re still young. Trust your gut instincts x

This is such a dysfunctional dynamic. Sadly as your husband does not see the issue and will not address this with his family, I really don't see how this situation will improve. You and your children deserve to have your boundaries respected.

This sounds horrendous. Is he from a different culture to you so has different expectations? The MIL living with me would be enough to send me right over the edge but the SIL’s are completely taking the piss!

I wouldn’t cope with that. I would be gone.

I think that would be a good plan to be honest with you. It feels like because MIL lives with you, people are treating your home as the family home and I am not sure that will change, without husband's intervention.

Leave. Or this will be for the rest of your life.

It sounds like a nightmare! His family sound disrespectful of your home and your belongings. But if your husband has allowed them to act how they want in your home then it is a husband issue you have.
Only you know if you can leave but you are not being unreasonable or horrible if you do.

That sounds awful. You are not horrible at ALL! I would however, get my ducks £ in a row before leaving.

Look, before I even read the post I voted leave. I don’t need the story, just leave. On a serious note, your boundaries are none existent at this point and your husband is a spineless prick. He can see how it’s affecting you and he’s doing absolutely nothing to tackle it. That’s an issue in itself. You can’t have any down time, you’re always on edge, living with people that think you’re miserable, all this in a place that’s supposed to be your haven btw. Boy bye. I’d go. I’m sorry

I’d have left a long time ago. You’ve really been fair here. It’s time to put yourself first

Unfortunately it seems that everyone thinks you live in HER home not the other way round, regardless of the fact that it is actually yours.

You need to explain to your husband that he has 3 choices:

1. Understand that it is YOUR (you and DH) home and set boundaries on visitors
2. Ask his DM to move in with one of his sisters
3. Separate

Hopefully he will realise that it’s not worth losing a marriage just to avoid growing a backbone.

This would drive me to insanity. Nothing you have said is unreasonable. All of their behaviour is totally unfair. Set your boundaries, communicate them and if your husband and the wider family don’t like it the your husband needs to have your back. I can’t think of a single person who would accept this in their home. I suspect if you explain this to them you may be pleasantly surprised. I suspect the imposition hasn’t even crossed their minds?.

Tell him it won't be much of a 'family home' when his wife and kids have left.

Id move out while they were away. Sort everything before. If you own half the house, you are entitled to half of any equity. Sounds like a total shit show tbh.

He’s British but Indian heritage and I’m dual (Irish/pakistani) . Honestly when I met him I felt sorry for him and my SIL (ex-friend) kept talking about her old mum (who honestly seems to have more bloody energy than me). But it just seems so disrespectful to me at this point. I have friends of all ethnicities and even those whose in laws live with them don’t have this issue.

I would leave. What will happen when MILs health declines? You will be expected to be her carer without doubt. Quietly make your plans and leave.

Is there anything you like about your husband and your current life?
If not, I would leave. At least you can have peace for you and your children.

@canttakethisanylonger is this your house (name on mortgage) and your MIL is living with you, or is it MILs house and you and your family are living with her?

Your H said it’s the “family home” which implies it belongs to MIL.

Hey OP, I had a feeling you would be of Indian/pakistani heritage. No offence because I’m Pakistani too so I know that although quite rightly posters are saying leave him I bet that isn’t an option given our culture? I was thinking about what I would do in these circumstances, I honestly think I would just ride it out while MIL is around. Do you get on with your MIL, I understand you don’t with your SILs. I would I think not cook for them or buy snacks etc for them. I might even hide the snacks for my kids in my bedroom 😂. I’d cook enough for my own family and MIL. This is really horrible. Does your husband sympathise or understand or not at all?

That’s the things that keeps pulling me back in. He’s not a bad guy and I still do love him. It’s fine until something happens like 2 days ago, SIL popped in with baby and I had to repeatedly ask for her to quieten baby as I had a zoom meeting. I then got snapped at saying baby’s make noise! When it comes between me and MIL/SIL he won’t ever back me but then makes me feel like nothings wrong and everything’s fine. Genuinely confused at whose fault this is. Should I just be more accepting? I know the replies are saying no so far but to walk out on a marriage with 3 kids because why? I dont like his sisters visiting whenever and his mum living with us? Please tell me thats valid reasoning as Im genuinely struggling to make sense of why I feel this way.

Nope. I gave part deposit but the house is on his name (he pays the mortgage, we split bills) because again I was young and dumb.

Was it the family home he and his sisters grew up in and his mum once owned?

Awww thank you for the advice and insight! I honestly don’t care about culture and leaving. I’m more worried about what it means for the children’s future as it might turn things hostile. His MIL HATES me. Never wanted him to marry me etc. And recently I’ve just started ignoring her. Just an awful situation. :(

What? No. We were both renting and then bought this house which was a 4 bed so had space for his mum.