Should I leave or should I stay?

[canttakethisanylonger]

Sorry, this is a LONG one!
I was 24 when I met husband through his sister (my now ex-friend). Fast forward nearly 8 years, we have 3 children (6,4,1). Granted youngest was a surprise, I considered abortion because marriage wasn’t in the right place but ultimately chose to keep her.
I have 3 SIL who live in the same town and a MIL who lives with husband and children in our house . Husband had said we would buy a bigger house but he could never ask MIL to leave as she is elderly and he doesn’t want her in a care home etc. My dumb 24 year old self did not realise what this meant for the future.
As MIL lives with us , SIL believe they have free access to the house. Multiple occasions they come in, raid the fridge and cupboards, allow their children to wreck the play room so much so, I genuinely don’t have any peace. They ignore bed time, pitching up at 7pm and if they come earlier refuse to leave even when I’m towing mine up the stairs.
My issue throughout has been husband has never backed me always making out it’s me that’s the problem. Recently hes started saying it’s the “family home” and his siblings, their husbands and kids can come whenever the like and stay for however long they like. I want to stress here that when I was able, I happily hosted them. I’ve now had 4 operations due to health problems and am due a 5th next year which no one seems to care about including husband.
I’ve just learnt that MIL was meant to go stay at her daughters as husband and I took the children to Legoland for one night. She insisted she wanted to leave after us and now husband has happily informed me his entire family have spent the entire day at our house with his mum and she’s just now left in the evening. In my head all I can think about is the absolute carnage they must have left behind, not to mention I had just done the weekly shop and all those snacks have now definitely been eaten.
Am I just a horrible person (that’s how I’ve been described as by them) or are mine and my children’s boundaries being trampled all over?
Husband, his mum and sister are going away for 2 weeks near the October half term and I genuinely want to find a small rental and just move out? Should I? What would you do?

Well then, it’s most certainly not the “family home” for extended family. Yes, they want to visit their mother but it has to be within the times suitable for as it’s YOUR house.

Tell them the exact timings they can visit and stay firm with this. Tell your H, he agrees with this or you’ll have no choice but to re-think your lives together.

Some families are like that, love spending as much time together as possible and see each others houses as an extension of their own (although this seems to only be your house). My family is the polar opposite and this sounds like actual hell to me. I would go.

Are you legally married? If so the house is half yours even if only in his name.

Marriage counselling could help

It feels like hell because you have no control. You say you have zoom meetings, does that mean you are working from home and they are barging in? You need a bloody big bolt on the door to keep them out. Not really. You need to leave. If your husband loves you and sees you are serious he might finally stand up to his piss-taking sisters.
Got to say though that little trick with leaving you off the mortgage doesn't fill me with hope. Of course if you are UK and married it's counted as a marital asset in a divorce.

Holy shit. Get out of there yesterday and don't look back.

What a fucking shitshow. I can't imagine how horrific this would be. I am really sorry but just in case pp's haven't gone far enough to emphasise this: what you described is unacceptable. Leave. Get all your ducks in a row and leave.

I suppose you could stay but try to buy your own 'weekend home' and just have (secret) separate homes(!)

I actually feel sad about your situation. I don't even want to risk moving in with a man again in case some stupid weird shit like this happens to me! Well, it wouldn't because I would get the hose pipe out and spray them until they left.

Get out. He (and his family) sound horrendous

I think this is the way I'd go if you didn't want to make a 'leave' choice straight away, throw those choices at him.
But...

If you've had a proper sit down conversation and told your DH exactly how you're feeling and he won't even come to a compromise and consider how you feel then I think that's never going to change and your house won't ever be your own.

You're so young with a lot of years ahead of you and it's unfair to have no say in what happens, not being on the deeds is also something that needs looking into.

It is definitely valid reasoning. Do you know that you have a legal right to peaceful enjoyment of your home? You also have the right to make decisions about what happens in your home. Your partner clearly doesn't respect you. Why is it all about what he wants?

Don't his siblings have their own houses? Hide all of the food and / or put a lock on the fridge. Change the locks and don't give your partner a key. Keep doing it until he gets the message. Make life as difficult as possible for him and his siblings.

Stop speaking to your partner - you don't need his permission to tell your in-laws that their behaviour is invasive and disgusting. Turn up on their doorsteps demanding the same level of access to their homes. And if they refuse, ask 'what's the problem'? Start asking for money towards food and if they refuse, tell them you can't afford to feed them. Show them up in front of their children. Call them freeloaders and blast heavy metal music. Make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to be there. And don't worry about your partner, you should leave him anyway. Your MIL will want to leave too when she gets sick of the music and your new hobby, learning the drums.

Seriously. This is your home!!! Take charge!!

sorry if this has already been suggested but have you tried talking to your husband about it - maybe SIL sharing MIL? Lots of families do this. I guess because he is the son she has to stay with him 🙄. If your husband isn’t listening or willing to try for you then I would have at least a trial separation. Maybe when he misses the kids he will see he needs to speak up and put his OWN family first. It’s hard to follow routines for your kids like getting them to bed on time etc when you have people turning up at 7pm!

The way I see it you are the last in line in the pecking order as to how they treat you and take your needs seriously. It's not a nice feeling, whatsoever.

A lot has to change, either your husband and his family start to respect you and your children's choices in your own home (ie, their ability to go to bed at bedtime), then maybe it is time to really rethink things and how you want to live the rest of your life... I don't think I could live in a home like this, never relaxed, never respected. So sorry OP, must really get you down.

This made me feel slightly ill. Just no, a massive no to all of it.

You can't go on like this.

Good for you!! X

It's perfectly valid!
Look around you in the UK, when given the choice, very few of us would want to live with their parent (let alone MIL !) as an adult with a family.
Because you want your independence, privacy, and freaking peace!

Your husband might be nice otherwise, but he and his family have no respect for you whatsoever. They don't even like you so why would want to be around them 24/7?
Think about the example this set for your children as well. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

I wouldn't leave tomorrow. I think you should get some legal advice first (e.g. you would be entitled to part of the house since it was bought during the marriage), and financial advice (maybe stack some savings into a separate account over time?).
There could be some local charities able to help you with this. Then when you're ready and have a clear plan, leave.

It doesn't have to turn nasty either. You don't have to talk to your in laws once separated. Get a court order for residence, stick to it, and let your husband deal with his family.

Yes you should and this would be the ideal.opportunity, let him live with his mother and his sisters and his aunts and the whole e tende family, in 'the family house' they are taking you for a mug

Your husband should have your back.

You should be his number one priority.

What do you think he would do if you told him you were leaving?

Really your problem is with DH refusing to have boundaries with his family- you have to have clearly defined boundaries otherwise life will be unbearable -you would be better off living alone with DC than this hell- you need to tell DH just that- boundaries , or I leave with the children.

There is no way this is going to work.

OP, your H wanted to buy a family house for his whole family. You didn’t want this, or don’t want it anymore. There is no compromise here.

the only thing I’d caution is I wonder if you should stay a little longer as 10 years is generally considered a long marriage which will make the financial split more straight forward. Maybe get a session with a local solicitor in to check all this out.

This is absolutely awful OP and you absolutely are being reasonable to realise you are in a position that is just untenable.
Ultimately you and your DH don't seem to have the same opinion as to how the situation with MIL can be managed. From what you have posted, I think you may be willing to continue living with her, which in my opinion is very admirable. However the total lack of respect you are being shown as the homeowner and mother of the house is disgraceful. If he is unable or unwilling to set boundaries with his families disgraceful behaviour then I'm really sorry I think you absolutely run for the hills. And I really do not say that lightly, your opinions on what is appropriate seems so far apart I can't see any way this resolves without further deterioration and resentment building.
Good luck x

If you feel uncomfortable and disrespected in your own home, then your children will believe that it is acceptable to treat you in the same way!

I would seek legal advice (a Solicitor who specialises in family law will usually give you a free 30 minute session)

If it was me I absolutely would leave!

Without respect and consideration I think it would impact my mental health over time, especially as there isn’t a safe place of sanctuary that you can go to!

Good luck with finding a home and making a fresh start! In time you will be grateful that you didn’t delay any longer than you already have!

You would find more peace on your own and less work to do with the children without the rest of his family's toxic dynamics. You will feel emotional and overwhelmed for a while but this isn't a healthy situation long-term.

First post nails it !

Sounds absolutely awful. I couldn’t live in that situation. I’d give your husband an ultimatum, although it doesn’t sound like he would listen or change.

You are married so the house is jointly yours, doesn’t matter who is on the paper work.

I knew someone like you OP. Everyone went to hers, her DH friends, family etc. I was dating her DH's friend and I used to feel sorry for her.
House trashed, random people turning up, as in friends of friends etc.

Theu divorced in the end and she was like a new woman.

Don't bog yourself down as it's also aging you.
Save that energy for your kids and maybe future husband who will put you first.

You’re not breaking up a marriage because you don’t like SIL/MIL. You’re doing it because your husband doesn’t care about you. Thats an absolutely massive big deal and worth ending a marriage for.

I would tell him “I need xyz or I will leave” and if he’s not willing to do it and back you up in enforcing anything you’ve agreed on then I would leave. When he’s away on holiday sounds ideal.