Partners family HATE me and its a long story.

[13MAPARTHELL]

They hate me, they didnt for the first few years, his stepmum is insanely difficult and controlling, likes things a certain way, if you disagree with an opinion its personal, if you ask a favour, its overstepping.

she banned me from the house 5 years ago because i thought we were close, asked for a favour and she was trying to control me on my birthday (NYE) by saying we werent welcome to her party, unless we had dinner and went home at a set time as she did not want to feel used? Weird i know. We said we wanted to go but have dinner together first, she went mad and I snapped back making a comment about constant strict boundaries around my partner seeing his mum in their family home (lesbian mum and stepmum) she in response, banned me from ever being in the home again.

his mum after, explained shes just odd & that she does not agree with her partner.

fast forward a week, they are asking to take the kids out, i said no because i did mot want to normalise the situation and wish to sort this issue out, they called me a shit mum.

sent lots of messages apologising etc as my partner was upset, all ignored, even during his bout of severe depression, tried to inform them, ignored repeatedly.

they made a comment when kids were babies stating they wont help till they are older, now 6 years later, they appear and i think oh fuck it fine they then see my kids and my partner, without me.

partner and me going through very very bad patch, hes left and is staying with them (kick in the teeth) & they had my kids when he was maant to and he didnt tell me, i text his mum asking to call so i can speal to my kids, she did & was extremely rude on the phone

i text her saying, actually you and your family including your son have put me through a lot & id really like some respect if yojr going to be caring for my children more

her reply ‘you are manipulative, you always have been and we have always put your kids first’

i feel like telling them all just to fuck off

My husbands father was abusive arsehole, his Mum was an enmeshed codependent who I genuinely loved a lot but because of her choices to stay with and drag everyone into her relationship problems we had to keep her somewhat at arms length.

My DH was the one who started the arms length and has continued to keep things separate because his family dynamics are so shit. That is where your problem is @13MAPARTHELL your husband is enmeshed with their BS. DH’s siblings were the same completely enmeshed in their family dynamics.

In abusive relationship dynamics which your DHs family has, emotional and psychological abuse, the people are not 50/50 responsible the abuser is 90% responsible and the victim choosing to stay is 10%.

Your DH is choosing to stay in that dynamic with his mothers one of whom is completely destructive but both are part of the dynamic but he needs to prioritise his own family.

Ah come on @13MAPARTHELL you need to get away from this man. How dare he. Is is as awful as his mothers are. You need to start from scratch. Build your own stable life and let go of the things that have dragged you down. You deserve so much better. Your DH is absolutely awful as bad as your mother’s in law.

Hay
What happened to women supporting women...
So what if op has other threads ,so what if she has posted 100 times ( actually 2)..if people don't want to be supportive ..there's no point posting.
Op ..this sounds a really difficult situation for you ..
Hopefully you have sorted out top up UC benefits as a single mum ,and your starting to manage without him ..
His family sound very difficult..you have clearly put up with some very difficult people in your life ..I hope things start to get easier for you x

unless we had dinner and went home at a set time as she did not want to feel used? Weird i know. We said we wanted to go but have dinner together first, she went mad and I snapped back making a comment about constant strict boundaries around my partner seeing his mum in their family home (lesbian mum and stepmum) she in response, banned me from ever being in the home again.

Surely this is just her saying "come for the whole party, don't just duck in and out for the bits that suits you"? Which sounds pretty reasonable.

You then shoved your oar in when it wasn't your place.

Of course its was her place, it was her birthday and she wanted to plan something for it rather than be dictated to

@13MAPARTHELL it must have been very difficult for you to be excluded at the time over something so trivial and now having to know they’re all enjoying family time without you. However, if this has caused so much upset for you that it has now affected your marriage then you need to call time on letting the whole thing continue to bother you.

The best way to get your revenge is to dust yourself off and start enjoying your life and don’t give any of those mad people (including your H) the time of day. When your kids go to them, get ready, go out and have fun (walk, coffee, swim etc. whatever you like to do). Appreciate that you now have babysitters and that you don’t have to socialise with the weirdos.

They’ll never respect you if you kowtow and bend and scrape so now it’s started stick to your guns. That type will always always push boundaries unless they realise you’re as unmovable as stone.

You’re not with their son so they hate you even more. Don’t try to get on with them because you won’t manage it.

How old are the DC?

You have separated from your partner. His family don't like you.

You need to put the kids first. Forget trying to communicate through his mum/stepmum. That only works in a separation when you have a civil relationship with one another. Yours seems worse than with your ex.

Your child is autistic and needs stability. Agree the schedule with your ex and stick to it. If he is unable to care for them when it is his "time" agree with him whether kids will be with his mum/stepmum or with you.

Talk to the school about what is going on in your homelife so they can support the kids and communicate with both you and ex.

Stay out of his relationship with his mum/stepmum and forget about some instance when she blocked you over a washing machine or dirty look. That's irrelevant.

If your DC is old enough for a phone then keep in contact with them directly.

No, I mean the making assertions about her partner's relationship with his family.

How are both grans at dealing with your son's additional needs?
Is he safe there?
Does he hit them?
How old is he?
You need to prioritise his and your own wellbeing.
By that, I mean you should not be the punchbag and therefore would you consider him living there and you having weekend access?
Is his Dad autistic too?
What help have school offered you?

No I disagree. When she started being disrespectful you should have disengaged and withdrew stating the boundary that you wouldnt interact whilst she was being disrespectful, that you dont engage with people when they act that way (also teaching your child). By fuelling it you make it worse and teach your child to also argue.

By "asking" for respect you arent going to get it. Semantics with the wording.

If you can’t even be honest about something that can SO easily be proven as a lie, then makes me doubt everything you say about your version of events that no one on Mumsnet can know is true either way @13MAPARTHELL

The relationship is over, your boyfriend has moved out, so his relatives are not your problem.
Delete all their numbers and use a parenting app for child arrangements with the father.
You have more important things to focus on than the relatives of an ex.

The relationship is not over. This is a recurring pattern. On off on off on off

It sounds over, and the other thread indicated that OP hates him, her priority should be her financial security.

I dint know why people are being so rude to you,butjinthink you've gotta leave him sounds like a weak man with no backbone could you move far far away? Somitsnharder for him to see kids

It has been “over” multiple times before

at one point apparently living together but not “together” benefit fraud

Would you recommend that to a man? (If not, why would it be ok to tell either parent to move away to restrict their children's contact with their parent?)
Any bare minimum parent would get a court order to prevent that.

Ahh sorry, I agree with that.

I mean, that's not the way to go, it sounds like a total Shit show, but stopping a kid seeing a parent out of pettiness is awful.
She presumably chose to have children with the man, so has to take some responsibility for that.

What are your current custody arrangements for the children?

You're in the throws of a relationship break down that includes kids. You need to nite your tongue and be civil. Is it shit, yes, are they rude and odd, also yes but you need to be able to work through whatever happens the next 6 months (a divorce, co parenting, or getting back together). It's not fair on your kids for them to be stuck in the middle of it all. For their sake and to make the next little while manageable, just suck it up, keep your boundaries but stay calm and polite - it'll only cause you and the kids issues in the future if you tell them all to fuck off (I know it's tempting!!)

Sounds like personality disorder. Just have no contact with any if them .

They’re weird and you’re fine.

OP if I can give you some advice from my own experience. Sometimes in life you will have to deal with difficult, crazy, infuriating people. When you encounter these people, especially when there are kids involved, the only way is to take the high road, behave impeccablyand be a role model to your kids. You can't change them and if you engage things will only get worse. Remain calm. Remain reasonable. Never engage. Never bite even when they try so hard to get you to. Rise above it!! Your child may be easily influenced now but in the long run they will see who the trouble makers in their family are.