To feel like my bro’s fiancée is being golddigger-like?

[worriedsstr]

My brother lives abroad and has done for a while. He met his fiancée there, they are getting married, and that is the country they will continue to live in after they get married.

My parents are planning to buy him a flat there. The laws in the country they live in / where the flat will be are such that, broadly speaking, anything you own before marriage isn’t divisible in a divorce, whereas anything bought, earned or gifted after marriage will considered marital property and divided. So, in very simple terms, if my parents buy my brother the flat before he gets married, it would remain his if they were ever to divorce. If they buy it after he gets married, it could potentially become a marital asset and be divided between them.

His fiancée has asked him to wait until they’re married before the flat is bought, because she wants to feel financially secure and wants half of the flat to be hers in the event of a divorce. My brother is completely happy to go along with this, so that’s where the situation currently stands.

I have to admit I’m quite concerned and I find the whole thing bizarre. I completely understand wanting financial security within a marriage, but I struggle with the idea of deliberately waiting until you’re married for a property that is being bought for one spouse by their parents, specifically because that means it could become divisible if they divorce. It’s a gift from HIS (our) parents to their son, it’s not something he has “earned” with her support or they’ve earned as a couple. They haven’t yet been told this but I know my parents will feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m looking at it completely the wrong way, but AIBU to think my parents should just buy their son the flat before he gets married, rather than waiting until afterwards when, under the laws of the country they will actually be living in, it could potentially become a marital asset?

Who knows, maybe, its not like the practice no longer exists. Do you always struggle to understand that other countries arent all like ours?

*off

Ha ha bless. You have no idea. About me or about the country in question.

This 100pc

Gently, does he have additional needs? Is this why you need to look out for him and he can’t make decisions? What is it about his fiancée that you feel is a scam? How would losing half a flat he didn’t pay for make him financially vulnerable, is it linked to additional needs?

This is her husband, they may have kids, she’s not some lodger,

Bloody hell. How is that attitude In any regard, she’ll have cut off her nose to spite her face as they’ll have to fund their own property now a help to a young marriage?

There are so many ways to help young couples starting out, that can be sensible and elegant, but not aggressive or punitive.

No I don't, and neither do you, which is why I said "IF" he is marrying into that kind of culture.

All you can do is give him your advice and prepare him for the fact that your parents may not agree to these conditions. It's really their decision as it is their money.

I can see why she would want the security of being an owner of her own future home, especially if this is where they will likely live for many years, even if it does feel unfair to you.

I think your brother is an adult and it's entirely up to him.

Not your money, your relationship or your business

Why should she have nothing from the marriage? Would you think that fair? That's not the law in this country.

Would you accept being homeless and getting nothing in the event you and your partner divorced? It's not good diggery to want assets to be shared.

But ultimately if it's a gift to him and the parents don't want her to benefit then they buy it for him now. It's their money so their business.

But again if I was her I wouldn't think I'd be getting an especially secure future. What would be the benefit in marrying anyone in that country if it does not carry any financial benefit for a woman?

I take it you don’t agree with prenups then? My dd is engaged to someone who’s family have tens of millions and he is asking her to sign a prenup. Even though it’s my dd I can’t say I blame him. I will of course be advising provision for both future children and herself if raising them is fair.

How about she does NOT give up work if they have kids? Why could HE not give up work? Or neither does?

I think that it is your business and you should look out for your parents and brother.

However, I would certainly not like my daughter to be living with a man who owns the property and my daughter having no financial security, owning nothing etc. so from the fiancée’s pov, I can see why she’d want it bought after marriage.

I can also see from your parents and your pov that this is family money potentially being gifted to a gold digger.

So I would say the solution might be to buy it after marriage but to buy something modest, not luxury. That way, the potential loss from a divorce is minimised and they can trade up together when they are able. And if your db is divorced by the time your parents die, then he will be able to use his inheritance to get a better property for himself.

I knew before reading the replies what they would be because your brother is the one receiving the house. I think this is one of those scenarios that would get different answers if you had reversed the sexes. If the flat was being gifted to your sister people would be saying to have it pre marriage to protect it for her.

And because he is a man, you are told to mind your own business, which I doubt you would be if it was your sister instead.

IMHO there is nothing to stop the couple jointly buying a property they can afford and then renting this out. Or even buying the property in her name so she has that security as well. Or they could put what they would have spent on housing into savings or investments, so she would quite significant savings.

Op I guess that even if your parents buy him the property before marriage then there is nothing to stop him selling it after marriage and them buying a place together with the proceeds. Presumably it would then be an asset of them both?

Your parents either need to accept that he may lose half the value if they split, even if it only a year or so down the line. Or don't buy the flat for them at all, and perhaps just help them out a bit with a modest flat rather than this fancy one

She will file for divorce as soon as she legally can. Heard this story a thousand times.

So either your parents get comfortable with likely losing half their money, or brother accepts that he cannot dictate the timing of the gift. Its definitely not for fiance to dictate the timing.

So they get married have children live in the flat bought by his parents
Then 15 years later he has an affair and she's left with nothing.. despite I expect having spent 15 years paying bills and cleaning it .
I can see her point ..but I can also see yours

I agree if the genders were reverse and your brother was female they would be much more people saying to buy it before marriage.

I can also see where the Bride is coming from. However if it was my parents and they asked my view I would be suggesting that they either buy before he gets married or buy them a much more modest flat.

I think she’s right to be looking out for herself, when things have the potential to go wrong.
Then maybe she needs to make a financial committment to the flat too, at the moment she is indeed looking out for herself by making sure she can claim what was never hers.

I can see both sides. Would I want to protect a gift to my child, and stop it going to someone else in the event of a divorce - yes

Would I move in with someone to a 'forever' home, knowing I'd never legally have any say in the property and never live in a property that I own or part own for the rest of my life (as it sounds like a forever type of property rather than a starter home for example) - not really

I'd be suggesting to your brother he works out a compromise with his fiance, how can he help her feel secure without respecting his parents wishes to ensure their inheritance is kept solely through his side of the family? Eg could they buy another flat together and rent it out with the agreement that it goes to her in the event of a divorce? Could he sign an agreement that gives her a percentage of the property (potentially that increases the longer they've been married).

They'd also need to discuss what happens if they have children, who pays for maintenance and improvements, who gets to make decisions (from whether to extend to how to decorate)

Probably be best to consult a lawyer and get some form of agreement signed

It's not 'your family money' - it's your parents' money.

Give over.

That would be a good idea all round, running away.

Totally agree with you @worriedsstr

The property isn’t something she has earned or contributed to. So I don’t see why she should get half of it. It’s a gift from your parents to their son. Your brother can now discuss with his fiancée how they can use this position to build savings. Presumably they will no longer have a mortgage. His fiancée can now save whatever she would have contributed to a mortgage if they had one to give her future financial security.