AIBU to worry about how to help my lonely 18 year old son

[Vcal2017]

I’m worried about my son. For context, he’s 18, on the spectrum and lives with me. I’ve been a single/solo parent all his life. We live in Australia.
Lately he’s been very low about his ‘personal life’ - he’s not a sporty person. Extremely intelligent, very successful academically. Kind, thoughtful, funny - I can’t say enough nice things about him! Has a small group of friends he feels ok with, but not that heart to heart kind of connection. Most of his friends have had some minor sorts of romantic connections and some actual long term relationships. He feels ( as he put it) ‘left behind’ He’s lonely. My advice has been to try and get involved in things he believes in and enjoys: he’ll meet people with similar interests. One of the difficulties is that he struggles with self care: he does wash and clean his teeth, but when he’s really low he doesn’t shave or change his clothes. Another aspect to it may be that he has gained a lot of weight and again when he’s low he sort of binge eats. I try to talk to him about this, but it can be tricky. He is technically an adult: I give him money occasionally only to see it spent on takeaways. How can I talk to him about making little changes? He can get upset quickly and his anger makes me retreat mainly because it reminds me of his Dad. Sorry, long post. Thank you so for reading. Any advice on how to talk to him much much appreciated.

Argh, it is so hard. You have my sympathy. Chatting to introverted late teens/young adults can be a real challenge.

Are there any other adults in his life who might be able to chat to him a bit? Uncles, family friends? Sometimes it helps if it is not his Mum giving out advice.

If you can, I’d back off a bit for a week or two, and just let him be while you regroup and come up with a plan of how to talk to him. Where is he education wise? Still at school? Applying to uni? (not sure how it works in Oz).

That might be your in - to start to breezily chat about what he’s thinking about doing next and throw some ideas out, very casually. Can you research some options of things you think he might enjoy and suggest them in passing?

I’ve found with this age group that they get a lot of motivation from their friendship group; as you’ve said, they don’t like the sense that they are being left behind. Hopefully as they start to plan next steps, he will be swept up in it and start thinking about what he wants for himself?

However, with ND young adults, you may need to think through how best to approach it with him; you know him best. Perhaps see if you can find a therapist that you can talk to, to help you get an outside perspective on where you are.

I wish you luck.

Where does he stand vis à vis studying for a degree, given his academic aptitude? Could he get by on a university campus?
Or maybe there’s a third level college in your location which would allow him to still live at home?

It must be so hard for you, and one’s heart aches for the young man. I hope you are given great advice and hope from other replies.

I don't know a lot about autism, but by what you have said, it looks like this young man is gifted academically and that's what he could be steered towards. I have a young autistic nephew and he is similar in many ways but has found his niche in battlefield history. He does lots of research and doesn't want or need too many "friends". He does go to re enactments with some of his history group but that's as far as it goes.

As I said, I am wary about advising, but given his academic prowess, maybe that should be his focus and he may find a subject that engrosses him, and he might mix with a very small circle of like minded people.

Just a thought.

A trip to the GP and get him on a mental health care plan then he should be eligible for 10 individual treatments and 10 group treatments.
Is there any way that he is eligible for weight loss injections?

As for his hygiene he probably realises that women aren't going to be with a dirty bird