Sharing early morning childcare on group holiday

[d2finemap]

I’d love to hear others’ perspectives on what’s reasonable here. The scenario is an annual trip, usually 3-4 days, with two families:

Family A: Mum, Dad, two children (7 and 4)
Family B: Mum, Dad, one child (3)

This tradition started 30+ years ago because the parents of each family were good friends (but have since passed away). The two families live overseas from each other but decided to continue the tradition because there’s a lot of shared history and it would have made their parents happy.

This is the only time a year they see each other. The group stays in self-catering accommodation, rather than at each others’ houses.

Family A are late risers who enjoy a slow weekend morning. The siblings usually wake 7-8am and are sent downstairs to play until 10am when one of the parents will come down and join.

Family B are earlier risers. They tend to wake with their child at 7am and begin the day together.

This means that Family B keep an eye on all three children for the first 2-3 hours of the day. They are already up organising breakfast/play for their child so naturally do the same for the other two.

After a couple of years, Family B have now said this is unfair and a lot of extra work. They think at least one parent from Family A should come down with their children to help each morning. Family A feel a bit blindsided, that Family B are up anyway and the children all get on well so it really doesn’t require a lot of extra management.

Everything else - planning, cooking, cleaning - is shared equally. Who is being unreasonable?

What happens at home normally for family A? Are they happy with the children being unsupervised usually?

I think family A are taking the piss. If I was family B I would get up as usual and go out and find breakfast in a cafe or something and leave the other kids alone.

You say this has been going on for a couple of years. If family B have been having to care for a 2/3 year old whilst the parents of family A have a lie in no wonder they are a bit pissed off.

Family A, by a country mile.

You say this has been going on for a few years, so the 4 year old was only 1 or 2 when this started?

So family A have happily left family B in charge of their toddler for up to 3 hours every morning, if they weren't there one of the actual parents would surely have been with them. They have massively taken the piss and I don't blame Family A for feeling taken for granted and finally speaking up.

Family A parents are very unreasonable.

We went on a group holiday this summer - 3 couples, various children, ours are the oldest by several years. At home, ours go down earlier than us and are unsupervised while we doze (although not until 10am), but on the holiday we got up because the other couples were up with their toddlers.
Even if Family A are happy for their children to be down stairs by themselves, they’re not by themselves, they’re with other adults who they are presumably asking to play, colour, read, sort the tv etc, so the parents need to get up.

If family A is staying in bed later because they think family B can deal with everything, obviously they are BU.

if family B is expecting family A to change their normal dynamic, they are BU.
No way should family A gets up earlier just because they are staying with early risers. No one is making family B get up early, their choice.

So which one is it?

Do Family A reciprocate the childcare of all 3 children at another time of day, to give the parents of Family B equal childfree time?l while they are away together?

If yes then as long as both parties are happy I think that's fair.

If not then Family A are taking the piss and I'd be distancing myself from this traditional break going forwards.

Family A need to tell their child to wake a parent up before they go downstairs. It’s one thing if you let them plonk themselves in front of the TV and make themselves some cereal at home, but on holiday that responsibility is defaulting to the other parents and A are taking the piss!

Family A are unreasonable. They can’t just leave their Dc to be looked after on holiday won’t he other family. And very neglectful to leave a 4 year old without an adult for 2-3 hours every morning.

I think out of courtesy parents should get up earlier and have eye on their kids.

I think their 3 year old is making family B get up earlier. I’m not reading it like they’re early risers who love getting up and want everyone to get up with them. They just don’t want to also have to look after two other children.

Family B should leave the house early tbh and go to a park with a flask of coffee

@d2finemap are you Family A or Family B? Has the imbalance been raised by one of the families? Was there any discussion?

if this was the first holiday ever, I'd say family B are being unreasonable. But if this has been going on for years with Family B getting up and looking after toddlers every day, then yes, that's unreasonable. Are you genuinely saying that Family A would leave a 2 and a 4 year old to play downstairs alone for hours? I mean, I was a pretty relaxed parent who really didn't feel I had to get up with my children, but even I wouldn' tleave a 2 year old doewnstairs alone for hours, especially not in a strange place.

I think I'd be getting separate but close apartments. Arrange a time to meet each day and do your own thing until then.

Separate accommodation is the answer here. I wouldn't share with another family personally. Too many different parenting styles.

@MCF86 Snap!, cross post.

It sounds like you are family A.

We have been family B, didnt complain, but we judged. Very unmumsnetty to not use our words, but that's just how we roll.

but that's not the problem of family A?

I wouldn't have got up at 6am for my kids, they had gro-clock and had to learn the day doesn't start ridiculously early, no way would I get up at 6 because someone else wants to be up for their own child.

Family A are being unreasonable.

Can you get separate self-catering units in future so that Family B don't have to babysit everyday?

I’m family B on our regular holiday with friends.

If the family A children get up and are unsupervised normally why would family A parents even think to do differently on holiday? It’s not their fault family B have a 3 year old they can’t leave alone.

I can’t imagine it’s that much extra work for Family B at those ages.

We are early risers and just get cereal out for everyone’s kids and let them all play and get on with it til Family A parents get up.

Family A are taking the total piss.

Family A need to get up when their 4 year old gets up. Or all adults should arrange before hand and take it in turns to look after each others children.

10am is a very late lie with for kids that young on a holiday with friends, what do family A do in their own home? Who watches the 4 year old who would have been 2 a couple of years ago? Basically family B have been looking after 2 babies/toddlers for the last couple of years which is not usually 'easy' especially when one isn't yours.

Family A are unreasonable.

However if Family B have never said anything over the last couple of years they are slightly to blame, perhaps Family A thought they were happy with the arrangement But A shouldn't have assumed.

Would Family A get up for their two if Family B weren’t there? I’d have been quite happy to have left mine unsupervised at that age and would certainly not have got up. Just tell Family B to ignore the other two kids.

Time to look at different ways to spend time together.

But I think neither is unreasonable. I do think that a lot of the child care depends on the children and how comfortable they are with virtual strangers. I would also think that the 7yo is capable of fending for themselves with a bit of guidance towards a simple breakfast.

But family A’s children are up, and will be wanting attention. This is a 4 year old who is up for 3 hours without a parent. I doubt this child is leaving the other parents alone and playing by themselves. I imagine they want to play.