I found out my ex killed himself , I dated him for a year, we had been on and off. The relationship I felt was becoming really unhealthy as it went on and in the end told him this, that I could not do it anymore as my mental health was starting too with how he was becoming. I tried to leave, he would not take no or the break up. If I blocked, Showing up at my door and it went on longer the relationship than I thought.. I had cared for him and at the start it wasn’t like that. The more this went on..
I’d then try remain friends as we got on well with each other the other side but then he would run with that and would become more and more controlling and pushing things forward. When we were together if I said no to sex or didn’t feel up to it, he would make me feel guilty for it and blame ans at times also would continue. I kept wanting to get out but I felt I could not, if I stayed I was damned if I left I was..well I thought it would stop it all but not this outcome.
In the year I felt it moved fast he wanted to marry me eventually brought it up a few times, wanted to live together. Said I was his soul mate. He had an ex prior to that of 11 years and she had left due to mental health drifting apart. She moved on first then he matched with me not long after he seen her with someone else. I felt a rebound when he first said but we were seeing each other so much and he was being quite serious about us, plans and had said he got on so much better with me, which I found but he convinced me. Often he’d book holidays last minute just to spend time together or want to be with each other all the time. He wanted to stay with me often and do things together. I feel as in the past he had threatened to kill himself when I was feeling uncomfortable and said space would be good, I then convinced him to come back and he was all fine like nothing had happened (just so I apologised) then it would be back to how much he loved me. There was times I was low with my previous ex and he would see that and sometimes make situation worse dig in deeper. Mentally I was becoming drained and even if I made eye contact with someone on a plane he would say I wanted to be with them
His family or friends never contacted me about the death which I didn’t think they would but my psychologist went did no one tell you? I didn’t expect to because I blame me, I feel they are all blaming me for it deep down. As he spiralled and the messages I was getting, If I had stayed with him he’d still be here today. He was happy and kept saying about this life together..After the break up this time I didn’t respond but I never blocked him a few days of long worded texts. I wanted to reach out so many times because there was so many memories but then there was this other side. The last thing he said was I had broke him and scarred him. These are the last words I have and then weeks later that was it. Since breaking up I have been told I was dealing with emotional abuse but at the same time, I feel awful. His family are left with this view of me that I broke him. He said he was going to tell them the truth about me, that I was a cheat which again I felt?
The last song he listened to was also directed at me (was logged in still) he liked speaking through music
He had a child and I just feel why did he not stay for them..i know many but he could have found love again?
I don’t know how he did it and i’m wondering if there was a letter or if he was in pain for long, I cant reach out to friends etc i’ll never know but I haven’t stopped crying or thinking about everything