Stepparents that cut contact with the kids are awful?

[Kimbyjab]

As someone who had a stepfather from age 3 to 28 that recently cut me off when he divorced my Mother, am I unreasonable in thinking that takes a particularly nasty type of person?

To be clear I think it’s different if relationships are shorter term, if the children are adults when the step parent enters the family, or if the step parent isn’t involved eg someone you see once or twice a year.

This man raised me, he was the only father I ever had, he came to every single event in my life including my wedding day where he walked me down the aisle, my two graduations, the hospital visit the day I gave birth to my first child, my children knew him as Grandpa.

He had an affair and I stayed out of it as I loved him and my Mother and I supported my Mother whilst also maintaining a relationship with him and one day he blocked me and my husband on everything without a single explanation. No fallout, no meddling on our end, no taking sides in the divorce etc. He’s now married to his affair partner and my husband has tried to tell me it’s likely guilt that made him cut me off but the hurt is a lot.

Has anyone else had similar?

That does sound terrible. Did you have any relationship with his wife? Maybe she’s influenced him. Still bad for him to behave like that.

That’s awful. I’m so sorry. No one could say you were wrong surely. But many actual dads do similar and walk away. My exH has not met his youngest grandchild. He just wrote off dd as she wouldn’t play his game.

They move on and forget you. Actual fathers do that too.

You mean biological fathers . ‘Actual’ fathers (who can share blood or be step etc ), would not do this.

Have you explicitly tried reaching out to him? If you’d like to save a relationship I’d ask to see him / invite him to see the grandchildren. If you get knocked back you know where you stand. I feel there’s always a risk with these situations that you will meet again when too much time has passed, realise there was a misunderstanding and not have the time to make it up.

Yes sorry I’m really tired.

in our house I brought my DC up alone as a lone parent as parental
responsibility was removed by the courts.
My father wrecked our lives when we were kids and recently has not been in proper contact with me, like giving me an address, for three years.
my DPs father didn’t want anything to do with his kids once he met someone new twenty years ago.

so between us there’s no father figures.

no need to apologise!
I feel for you about your experiences with men who should have been fathers, it’s terrible that they weren’t 💐

This sounds heartbreaking, parental abandonment at any age is, I’m sorry op

That's shocking of him, I'm so sorry. To all intents and purposes, he is/was your dad.

Your situation is shocking.

It's a bit different when kids are little. With the best will in the world it's exactly easy for an adult to maintain a relationship with a 7 year old unless one of theirs parents facilitates it, which is unlikely after an acrimonious split.

I would assume he just feels it’s best leaving that part of his life in the past and not mixing his former wife’s family with his new relationship.

It would probably be different if you were blood, he’d feel like he couldn’t cut ties but as you are not, he’s probably convinced himself that he doesn’t actually owe you anything and it’s preferable to cut ties rather than facing the hurt he has caused on a regular basis.

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with “blood”. My own biological father did exactly the same thing. So no, I don’t think it’s “blood” related, I think it’s arsehole related. Selfish, cowardly, small men with an astonishingly large lack of self awareness.

My 'actual' father did this when he left my mum for his affair partner. So biodads do it to. And yes, it hurts.