To feel insecure I can't go on many trips alone?

[SuspiciousChicken]

My partner's friend's wife seems to go away alone multiple times a year, girls' trips away, festivals, those health retreat type-things.

A few weeks ago I went away for one night on my own, my partner tends to go away a couple of nights at a time a few times a year for a hobby, but I don't seem to have anything like that.

Another friend's girlfriend apparently 'just went to Bali for 2 weeks on her own'. I don't have the funds or the annual leave.

I get the statutory 28 days a year and so that has to be used carefully- have found myself taking it for friends' weddings quite frequently. I have got a relative i went abroad to see alone for 1 night a few months ago.

I try and stay with my parents one night a week or fortnight as my mum's not well currently, and we do have evening hobbies, plus I work some late evenings.

So it's not that we're always together, not at all, but I'm worried he never misses me and it'll soon become stale. We do go out together and have a laugh, i also don't have close friends i can just go and stay with for a few days.

It's probably not the end of the world but I bet the above women seem more exciting and independent, I just cannot do what they do though.

This is nothing to do with them ‘being independent’.

You can go away on your own if you like, and while I acknowledge time and money are limitations for most of us - your DH seems to be managing to do so… so why not you?

Why can’t you go away on your own? I only have 28 days annual leave and I have to use a lot of it for school holiday childcare. I still manage at least one solo holiday a year. It’s not necessarily expensive. Okay, yes, two weeks in Bali is. But I often go to Spain, flight is rarely more than £60 return, Airbnb is £80 a night, I go to the supermarket and buy food for most meals so not much more than if I was at home, I’ll have a few meals and coffees out, but it’s not extravagant. The whole thing might cost me £500 at most for a few nights.

Or in the UK, I go camping and walking or get a B&B. The camping is like £25 a night. I have to buy food, but again, I have to buy food at home too. I might go out for an evening meal if I have the funds.

No one organises it for me. I have to take the initiative and do it myself. You can also say no to weddings if too costly or too much AL. It’s about finding things you enjoy. I go to Spain to wander markets and sit on the beach and swim and sit on my balcony and read my book. It’s very relaxing and it’s very inexpensive. It’s just getting some different scenery and a change of pace for a bit.

You are looking at it completely the wrong way.

It's not about being independent and interesting, its about doing what you want and can. It's not about your relationship.

Your hobbies and your interests make you "interesting", not spending some nights away for the sake of it.

If you have a life, activities, friends, you're fine. Some very close couples have hobbies together and do all the training and competitions together. You don't measure a relationship by the number of nights you spend in the same room

my partner tends to go away a couple of nights at a time a few times a year for a hobby, but I don't seem to have anything like that

So matching what your partner does is a good starting point. If you have DC you need to make sure caring for them is shared fairly as is 'careful management' of annual leave and money available to pay for personal travel.

However if spending time with your parents is already taking some of your free time and is something you're choosing to do rather than something they absolutely need then it could be argued you're already getting your time away just that you're choosing to spend it for the benefit of others, not yourself.

Don't put yourself last and don't make yourself responsible for solving other people's problems and meeting their needs.

You can do what they do you just choose to prioritise other things. Which is fine if that's making you happy. But it doesn't seem to.
I am sure they are not doing solo holidays to make their partner's miss them though, so I don't know how relevant this point is. I am sure they are doing it because they value the experience of travelling.
28 days is plenty and most solo holidays aren't very expensive. I did long weekends in Europe all through my 20s staying in hostels and getting a flight out late on Friday night and only taking a Monday off. In all seasons. I think I once paid something like £25 for two nights in a hostel in central Prague.
I was looking at taking a trip with a friend in January and three days in Amsterdam would set us back less than £200 each. Flights alone were about £20.
We once flew to Denmark with a group of uni girls for literally one day. Flew out at 6.30am, return flight at 11pm the same day. Had the best time and zero AL taken.

It’s not about going away or being independent, just do what you want to do and stop comparing yourself to other people. There’s not one person on this planet I’m envious of or feel I should be doing what they’re doing and I’m telling you that being content doing your own thing and not comparing any part of you to other people is the most independent you can be. Live your life the way you want and not the way you think you should that being said if you actually want to go away more then make it work for you

I've very rarely gone away in the last 10 years, used to much more when we were younger but I've been a full time carer for adult disabled son since he left school so opportunities to go away are few. I've never once thought that that might make me boring or stale to my partner! He works from home now so we're around each other all the time, been married 37 years and still find plenty to chat and laugh about.

You should go out and do hobbies or have a weekend away with your girlfriends because you want to - not to make yourself more interesting or to look more adventurous. Stop looking for external validation and start doing what you want to do!

If your husband can afford weekends away, surely you should be able to as well?

Where would you like to go? What are your interests?

Hear, hear!

I think it's important here to unpick why you feel the way you do. You don't seem to be saying you wish you were doing those things, and you don't seem to be saying you're generally unhappy with what you do and how your relationship works.

You mainly seem to be unhappy about what other people might think. You did mention annual leave and finance but I wasn't sure if you really wanted to change those things or if they are just part of the reason you don't travel alone.

So I'd say... forget about what other people think... would you actually like to go on a trip on your own, or does it just not appeal? If you have a clear answer to that question, and it's yes, then you will be able to identify ways of making that happen, even if less frequently or on a less extravagant scale than others.

If you don't have a clear yes to that question then it's about making peace with being different from those other people, and preferring and prioritising different things, and really... just owning that and living with it as simply who you are.

I'd also try not to make assumptions about others. Two weeks solo on Bali lady might have been sobbing into her cocktails for all you know. Try not to assume that everybody is having a far more exciting time than you.

Put simply... are you happy as you are? If so, great, if not, make a plan to change.

And I'm off walking in Cornwall on my own for 5 days on Saturday. I cherish my alone time and love it. Not everybody does, and that's great!

I frequently travel alone, but I don't do it to make me seem more interesting, or to make my partner miss me.

I just have things I want to do, and places I want to go to, so I do it.

It sounds as though it's not something you particularly want to do, it sounds as though you are comparing yourself to others and think you should be traveling alone, or that you are somehow lacking because you don't.

No one has to travel alone. Some of us go because we enjoy it. I just got back from a trip with my dog, roaming around the SW, but I absolutely need alone time and space. Not everyone has that need or drive, indeed some people can't cope with the idea of being on their own. That's ok. It's ok to be different and do things the way we prefer, and it really doesn't matter what other people do or where they go

You don’t need to use annual leave to go away for a weekend or part of a weekend, and you certainly don’t need anyone to go with or visit unless you specifically want to. I go away cheaply by myself a lot, if there’s somewhere I want to go.

I dont understand why you think you need to go away to make your partner miss you 🤔 My husband goes away once a year on a golf trip and once for a weekend to the races. I sometimes go away for the night with girlfriends and very occasionally a few days away but essentially my husband and I like spending time together so Id rather save holidays to spend them with him. I used to go away a lot more with the girls when I was married to my ex but that was more because I didnt want to go away with him! If you want to go away for more than a night or 2 then of course you should go, but dont do it for the reasons you have given!

Reckon most people have your setup.

I personally would hate travelling on my own. I go away for work a fair whack. Often head out a day or two before to get used to timezones so always have that time to myself and I wish DH or friends were with me. I do get to see some cool things but personally prefer sharing it with someone.

Do you WANT to go away on your own? I rarely go away on my own. In fact in the 10 years since having children, I have gone away overnight 'alone' twice - once staying at my sister's and once for a wedding.

In the early days of my relationship before kids, I went away more, but it was probably still once a year for a hen do and on 1 occasion I had a week's holiday with my sister.

I could go away more if I wanted, but there's nothing calling me, so I'd rather go away with my husband and kids.

Plenty of people do enjoy going away alone and often prefer it, especially women who spend a lot of time running around pleasing other people as it is very freeing to do exactly what you want without having to consider everyone else for once.

Is the issue more that you say you don’t have any close friends? I’d start building up my social network so I have people to do things with.

I’d say going to Bali for two weeks on your own is pretty unusual!

It sounds like your motivation to go away is to get your husband to miss you and think you’re exciting. Change it up a bit and question: do you actually want to go somewhere alone? If so, where and to do what? Once you know that, you’ve got a starting point and can start making plans.

The reason why you can’t do their holidays, is because their holidays are not your cup of tea. A trip to Bali or a spa weekend, not for me. A weekend poking around old bookshops and antique shops in somewhere like York, then count me in.

Theres a saying, comparison is the thief of joy. If you enjoy a quieter, family life, that’s fine. Nothing wrong with that. It’s not boring, it’s different.

Maybe if you want to start being more adventurous, start small. An overnight stay in Edinburgh, for example. Doesn’t have to be some where hot and abroad.

Why do you have to do what others are doing if it’s not what you are comfortable doing?

I live traveling solo and do so as I enjoy traveling. I’m not going to please other

You're looking at this the wrong way around. You seem to want to go on holiday so your partner misses you and because it makes you sound more interesting to other people. Forget that. Think about what YOU really fancy doing and how you'll make it work. It might not necessarily mean going abroad alone. You could go on day trips in the UK, stately homes, theatre, what sort of things are you into?

I'm all in support of people travelling alone if they fancy it but for me it wouldn't be fun. I prefer to share the experience and have a bit of company. (I quite fancy doing one of those Flash Pack adventure holidays where you travel in a small group of people a similar age, but I'll need to wait until my kids are a bit older and can stay home.) Could you go on a short girls trip to Paris or Prague with a friend or your mum? I did this with my daughter last year and it was fantastic. We booked just a couple of days before, got a bargain deal on flights and a new hotel with a pool. Walked all over Paris seeing the sights and munching baguettes on the go, did some of the Olympic "obstacle course" on the Seine path, very low cost while there and only used two days annual leave.

It sounds like you’re wanting to go away just so he will miss you. What may make the other women you know very interesting is not that they’re going away but that they have interesting things gs in their lives which cause them to go away. You could also have a life full of interests, passions and hobbies that never take you away from home overnight.

That doesn't sounds like you've ever been away alone tbh

Not at all on the Bali thing. It's really really commonplace for people to solo travel around SEasia especially