To stop my mum seeing my DS after what she said to him?

[MangoMusique]

NC because this is quite identifying. I’ve got ds who is 8 and dd who is 5, and my mum is their grandma. She has always been very involved with them and normally has them every other Saturday, sometimes picks them up from school and takes them out. They absolutely adore her and until now I’ve always thought of her as a really good grandma, even though she can be blunt sometimes. I’ve stopped her seeing them for now because of something she said directly to ds and I’m not sure if I’ve overreacted.

ds is 8, in year 4, loves football and gaming and is a quiet sensitive child. He’s doing fine at school really, not especially academic. He is bigger than some boys in his class and has put on a bit of weight recently, but he isn’t obese and isn’t under any weight management or medical care. I don’t want this to become a discussion about whether he technically needs to lose weight because that isn’t what I’m upset about. Me and dh encourage him to be active and we eat normal meals, with treats as well. He’s just an eight year old.

My mum is 62 and retired, lives about 20 minutes away and has always been there for me and us. She buys them little things, takes them swimming, to the park, shopping, whatever they fancy, they look forward to her weekends. She has helped me out a lot and the kids see her as important too. My dad died a few years ago and my brother lives abroad so there isn’t another grandparent nearby who could fill the gap. I’ve defended her before by saying she’s their grandma and she’s always been there, and tbh she genuinely has been loving and involved with them.

The problem is she has got increasingly interested in ds’s weight. She’s asked him why he always wants seconds, told him he needs to watch the biscuits and commented that his school trousers looked tight. She’s also compared him to slimmer cousins and asked me if he gets enough exercise. I have spoken to her privately and said please don’t talk about his weight in front of him. She says she’s only concerned because children don’t know when to stop, but she carries on making comments. Dh has noticed too but normally just says that’s your mum and doesn’t want a huge argument.

Last week ds came into the kitchen wearing his school jumper. He’d been asking me about getting a new football shirt because his old one was tight. Mum looked at him and said, “you don’t want to get any bigger, do you? You’ll end up like your dad.” He just laughed awkwardly and I didn’t make a thing of it. Later that same evening he quietly asked me if he was fat. I honestly felt sick because he hadn’t used that word about himself before. I asked him why and he said grandma had told him boys get fat if they eat too much rubbish and need to be careful.

I rang mum and asked what she thought she was doing. She said ds had misunderstood her, then said she was only trying to help him. She said I was being too sensitive and that if nobody tells children anything they’ll become unhealthy. I said there’s a difference between teaching healthy habits and making an eight year old think about whether his body is too big. She said I let him eat whatever he wants, which I disagree with that. We do have biscuits and sweets in the house, but he eats meals and he’s active. Mum said she was giving sensible advice.

It also isn’t just this one conversation, so I’m struggling to see it as harmless. There have been the comments about seconds, biscuits, his trousers and exercise, and she has said things like he eats like a grown man. I’ve told her before that I don’t want her discussing his weight with him and she had agreed, so she knew. Since last week ds has asked me if he should have dessert and asked whether his new football shirt I want to buy will make him look bigger. Maybe those are coincidence, but it feels like something he wasn’t worrying about before has got into his head.

I told mum she isn’t going to be seeing either child for now. She said I was being cruel and using the children to punish her, and she has told relatives that I’m keeping her grandchildren away over one harmless comment. I said it isn’t one harmless comment, it’s the final one after months of smaller comments that I had already asked her to stop making. I know that sounds dramatic because she hasn’t been a bad grandma in every other respect. She has actually been a very good one. But I’m angry, and I don’t trust myself to just carry on as normal.

Dh thinks mum was wrong but doesn’t think I should have stopped contact at this point. He thinks I should tell her she can see them again if she apologises to ds properly to ds and agrees she won’t talk about weight with him. Not sure. dd keeps asking when she can go to Grandma’s and I feel awful because she hasn’t done anything. The really awkward thing for me is ds himself says he still wants to see grandma. He loves her and still talks about going there. I haven’t made him choose sides at all. There really isn’t another nearby grandparent for them.

I don’t know if I’m protecting ds or letting my anger make this bigger than it needs to be. I don’t want him growing up worrying about his weight, especially at eight, and I had made the boundary clear. At the same time I don’t want to take away a relationship with a grandmother he loves because she said something badly, not deliberately. The children adore her. Maybe tbh I am being too sensitive. AIBU to stop my mum seeing both children after what she said to ds, even though she has always been a good grandma otherwise?

I’ll give the measurements because I can see people are just going to keep going on about it even though I’ve said from the start that this wasn’t really what the thread was about. He is 131cm and 32kg. I know people will now tell me exactly what that means and that I’m in denial or whatever, but I have already looked at his height and weight myself.

And yes, I know some of you will say those measurements prove your point and that he needs to lose weight. I’m not going to argue about every percentile on here because that’s exactly why I didn’t want to post them in the first place. I’m looking at his diet and portions and I can make changes without putting him on a diet or making him feel bad about his body.

I probably should have just put the measurements in the OP because clearly it’s distracted from everything else. But I genuinely didn’t think strangers needed to know my childs exact height and weight to answer whether I’m unreasonable for setting a boundary with my mum.

I have a mother like this who suffers from verbal diarrhoea that has got worse with age. She ruined Santa, gave DC a fear of swimming, made him feel self conscious about his weight (skinny) and choice of clothes and accessories (pink stick-on earrings!). Sometimes she comes out with quite inappropriate remarks such as informing DC that "its not just ears that men can get pierced!" Anyhow, I made the decision never to leave him unsupervised so I can intercept any conversation I'm not happy with. Could that be a compromise for you rather than full NC?

Yanbu to be upset with your mum. She should be directing her concerns about weight towards you, not an 8 year old.
But no one needs seconds or deserts and one treat' a day is more than enough.
It does sound like there is some denial going on, mum wouldn't be commenting if ds and dh had a healthy bmi, they must be overweight.
So while she's approached it all wrong, I think your anger means you are still missing the message she is trying to send.

I agree with asking her to apologise to your son but maybe instead of "sorry" she tells your son that what you said. That she shouldn't have commented because XYZ. And to add on that if she mentions it again, she wants your son to let you know immediately.

Basically, you will be present while your mum enforces your boundaries in front of your son with you as a witness.

So if someone's overweight we shouldn't say anything because "mental health"?

I totally agree with you @MangoMusique - your mother shouldn’t be making comments to your DS. Especially when you’ve asked her not to. He is 8, he should only be thinking about playing and school and friends. Body image and concern about how he looks is so toxic and follows you all your life. And that’s what this is, it’s not about him being ‘healthy’ it’s about him being - gasp! - FAT. As if it’s a fucking crime. So I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable to have this squarely on your radar.

My mother makes similar comments - thankfully not directly to my DDs yet but she makes derogatory comments about herself and her weight and how ‘naughty’ she is to have a piece of chocolate and I’m not sure that’s much better. They’re still hearing it. I grew up with the overarching narrative that small = worthy and losing weight was one of the most admirable things you could do. It’s very definitely a generational thing and it’s so sad.

I think you’re right to have a serious concern about this but I do also see that keeping them from being with your mum is hurting them too. I agree with PPs about talking to your mum very directly and very last-chance, laying out your rules very clearly. His weight and size is off limits - even if she thinks it’s a compliment. YOU are aware and YOU are making choices about his food you feel appropriate - the fact she feels he should ‘know’ is completely irrelevant. She doesn’t get to make those decisions.

That’s correct. Don’t say anything.

I’m not sure that your child’s weight is relevant really OP, I wouldn’t be happy with anybody, grandparent or not, commenting on my child’s weight to them. My children have never and will never hear me call myself or anybody else fat or skinny and I certainly wouldn’t appreciate anyone else family or not making comments to them about their weight.

I do think from your posts that things are probably worse than you believe in terms of diet etc, maybe your mum genuinely is concerned that he needs a better diet or more exercise, but the way adults should deal with concerns about children is speaking to the other adults involved- the ones who actually cook the meals, buy the food, make the plans, keep track of the health etc. It is never okay to tell a child that they are fat.

I think in relation to a young child you do need to think carefully about whether they are so overweight that you need to discuss it at all. And if you do consider it essential to have a discussion about weight, that needs to be handled extremely carefully and sensitively.

No one thinks your mum’s right to be discussing his weight with your son. But a boundary, meaning no contact, when it is separating someone who they ‘adore’ and who loves them is worse. I shudder to think about the myriad inappropriate things my parents have said to the grandchildren. Sometimes we laugh about it and the examples are wild but they know my folks love them, are a different generation and don’t always get things right. Cutting people out rather than communicating isn’t a great approach. It’s hurtful to you all and becomes the issue instead of the language your mum is using being the focus. Too much unnecessary drama.when gran isn’t a mean abuser but a well intentioned blabber mouth.

There was nothing careful and sensitive about the nasty lads in junior school who called me Fatty Chinese Four-Eyes. (Along with being fat, I wore specs and had Slavic features). Most posters seem to forget that you cannot protect a fat child from the outside world. Better to deal with the actual issue (the fatness of child) than blaming grandma for some home truths

I can’t be bothered to read the comments. I feel very strongly that the main problem is your son’s weight not your mum. He should not be a bit overweight. He shouldn’t be overweight at all. Give him the best chance at school and get him to lose weight. When I have grandchildren if they get overweight I will be telling my children straight away and would not let it drop. I always feel so sorry for overweight children when I see them.

I absolutely agree that your mum should not have made comments to DS and I would have come down hard on this too. Poor boy asking if he’s fat.

However, this really needs to be a wake up call to you. DS is upset after his granny made a comment but this will be far worse after comments from his peers in school if you don’t make some changes to his diet and lifestyle now.

My DS is 5 and I’m always conscious of his diet and how much exercise he is doing because I know that everything in school and beyond is so much easier if you are fit and healthy. He has peers who are a little more overweight and it is noticeable in their differing confidence, even at age 5.

It’s perfectly fine btw to say no to seconds and direct him to a banana if he’s still hungry. In general, I’d really try and get rid of all snacks/desserts on weekdays and save them for weekends only. I would also be wary of thinking two nights of football is sufficient exercise for an 8 year old boy. I would look at building in more activities like bike riding, swimming and even walking to and from school if possible.

Completley agree with you, she isnt respecting your boundaries and is being emotionally abusive

I have spoken to her privately and said please don’t talk about his weight in front of him.

This ☝️
Forget about the subject matter. It's actually ABOUT BOUNDARIES. 💯

The CRUX of this is.... you asked her NOT to talk about a certain topic in front of your child, and she IGNORED YOU carried on bringing that topic up anyway and then doubled down on you....
She said I was being too sensitive and that if nobody tells children anything they’ll become unhealthy.

FORGET that it's about weight OP.
IT'S ACTUALLY about respecting your request to STFU about mentioning that subject to YOUR son.
Then she has then twisted it to make out it is a one time remark - which it isn't. 😠

she has told relatives that I’m keeping her grandchildren away over one harmless comment. I said it isn’t one harmless comment, it’s the final one after months of smaller comments that I had already asked her to stop making.

This would piss me off. 😠
She is not doing what you asked, which is to NOT mention a certain topic.
I would have a cooling off period with the kids.
She should apologise to your son.
Your mother needs to learn to keep her 'helpful opinions' to herself.

I had an auntie like this. Made me paranoid about my weight, as it was always the topic of conversation. And yet when her own DGC was obese she never said a thing. Strange really.

Stick to your guns and don't get railroaded into believing you're too sensitive over this.

You are not wrong OP 🫂
@MangoMusique

A lot of weirdoes baying for the measurements of a child they've never met here.

The child's weight is irrelevant. What is relevant is whether his GM's comments are helpful in this situation. They aren't.

One of the reasons people overeat is that they get a guilt complex over certain foods and about eating in general. Food, particularly very unhealthy food, becomes forbidden in their mind, and we all know how much more alluring things are when you can't have them. It's perfectly ok to have some unhealthy stuff in your diet, even if you're overweight. The problem arises when you become obsessed with those foods and don't want anything else. Banning them is a good way to ensure this happens. We know from studies that if you ban raisins for all but a 20 min window per day, but allow chocolate all day, kids start to prefer raisins to chocolate. When it comes to food, children have a weird way of doing the opposite of what you try to pressure them to do.

By making little comments OP's mum is making her son self-conscious and anxious. He will end up feeling bad about enjoying eating and his ability to regulate himself what he puts into his body will disappear into emotional eating. He is 8 and cannot be put on a diet anyway. The way out is healthy food using the division of responsibility system, with some limited but everyday access to treats, a calm, cool head - and time.

You can't just say "I don't want a conversation about whether DS's weight is ok" as, whether DS's weight is ok is central to whether to your mum's comments were reasonable and whether you are BU.

Adults in the children's life still need to be careful about how they discuss these issues. Raising the issue in an insensitive way risks making the issue worse rather than better (eg if the child associates food with guilt they may get into a cycle of binge eating and put on even more weight).

I don't need your sympathy, your children do. To remove a loving grandmother from their lives (who they adore) because you are uncomfortable being faced with your DS and DH weight problems is ridiculous. If they didn't have a weight problem, this would not be an issue. You owe it to your children to set them on a journey of healthy eating, which doesn't mean having a healthy diet and an unhealthy diet on top of it.

I had already said in the OP that he’s put weight on and that I’m aware of it. I’m not denying that and I’m not saying his weight is completely irrelevant. Obviously I’m his mum and if I think things need changing then I need to do that.

But I didn’t start the thread asking for advice on how to put an 8 year old on a diet or asking people to decide whether he’s obese. I was asking about my mum repeatedly making comments to him about his size after I had specifically asked her not to.

I can accept that his weight is part of the context without it suddenly becoming the whole thread. If people want to tell me I need to change his diet then fine, I’ve heard it now, several times over. when she knows I’ve asked her not to.

And maybe if he was a completely different size the comment would be viewed differently, I don’t know. But he is my child and I’m the one responsible for dealing with his health, not grandma making him conscious of his body every time he eats a biscuit.

If fat shaming children or adults worked, we wouldn't have fat people. Its the last socially acceptable hate.

I think the grandma's comments to the DS are unreasonable regardless of whether he is overweight. She risks giving him a real complex around food.

In fairness OP, it sounds like you have only just started to address the issue of him being overweight, yet you say your mum has been commentating on it for months. Maybe if you were actively doing something about it rather than justifying him eating seconds and puddings, crisps and snacks etc, she would back off.

My sister never did anything about her overweight boys decades ago, she was in complete denial about their size, and said a lot of the same things as you, as soon as they got to 13/14 she could no longer control their eating habits and their weight skyrocketed, one is now around 35 stone and is virtually housebound, the other is around 25 stone, it's no life.

Your mum has no right to tell them anything, but to be honest early intervention and not "normalising" those bad habits are a very good way to tackle it, you don't seem to have done either until now, so maybe this was the push you needed.

As an overweight adult myself, nip it in the bud while you can, the more you eat, the more you want, and sugar addiction is a real battle, the weight is 10 times harder to lose than it is to gain, so being in denial about it now is not going to help him at all, and may set him up for a lifetime of misery.

Maybe you need to pause for today and come back to this thread tomorrow, reading your OP again.

You spend a lot of time and energy defending your family diet, why your son's eating habits are fine, etc.

If you had come to this thread saying "my son is slightly overweight, I'm aware of it and tackling the situation, my mum is making all those comments to him", you would have had very different responses.

It’s cruel to cut a well loved, close, loving family member out because she’s tactless and direct. Cruel to your son who loves her. Just tell him she doesn’t want him to be unhealthy so she goes over the top a bit.

Incidentally, while we are terrified of traumatising our kids by telling them they are overweight and need to eat less, in other countries they are far more direct and blunt yet they don’t have the obesity problems that we do in the UK.