To stop my mum seeing my DS after what she said to him?

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NC because this is quite identifying. I’ve got ds who is 8 and dd who is 5, and my mum is their grandma. She has always been very involved with them and normally has them every other Saturday, sometimes picks them up from school and takes them out. They absolutely adore her and until now I’ve always thought of her as a really good grandma, even though she can be blunt sometimes. I’ve stopped her seeing them for now because of something she said directly to ds and I’m not sure if I’ve overreacted.

ds is 8, in year 4, loves football and gaming and is a quiet sensitive child. He’s doing fine at school really, not especially academic. He is bigger than some boys in his class and has put on a bit of weight recently, but he isn’t obese and isn’t under any weight management or medical care. I don’t want this to become a discussion about whether he technically needs to lose weight because that isn’t what I’m upset about. Me and dh encourage him to be active and we eat normal meals, with treats as well. He’s just an eight year old.

My mum is 62 and retired, lives about 20 minutes away and has always been there for me and us. She buys them little things, takes them swimming, to the park, shopping, whatever they fancy, they look forward to her weekends. She has helped me out a lot and the kids see her as important too. My dad died a few years ago and my brother lives abroad so there isn’t another grandparent nearby who could fill the gap. I’ve defended her before by saying she’s their grandma and she’s always been there, and tbh she genuinely has been loving and involved with them.

The problem is she has got increasingly interested in ds’s weight. She’s asked him why he always wants seconds, told him he needs to watch the biscuits and commented that his school trousers looked tight. She’s also compared him to slimmer cousins and asked me if he gets enough exercise. I have spoken to her privately and said please don’t talk about his weight in front of him. She says she’s only concerned because children don’t know when to stop, but she carries on making comments. Dh has noticed too but normally just says that’s your mum and doesn’t want a huge argument.

Last week ds came into the kitchen wearing his school jumper. He’d been asking me about getting a new football shirt because his old one was tight. Mum looked at him and said, “you don’t want to get any bigger, do you? You’ll end up like your dad.” He just laughed awkwardly and I didn’t make a thing of it. Later that same evening he quietly asked me if he was fat. I honestly felt sick because he hadn’t used that word about himself before. I asked him why and he said grandma had told him boys get fat if they eat too much rubbish and need to be careful.

I rang mum and asked what she thought she was doing. She said ds had misunderstood her, then said she was only trying to help him. She said I was being too sensitive and that if nobody tells children anything they’ll become unhealthy. I said there’s a difference between teaching healthy habits and making an eight year old think about whether his body is too big. She said I let him eat whatever he wants, which I disagree with that. We do have biscuits and sweets in the house, but he eats meals and he’s active. Mum said she was giving sensible advice.

It also isn’t just this one conversation, so I’m struggling to see it as harmless. There have been the comments about seconds, biscuits, his trousers and exercise, and she has said things like he eats like a grown man. I’ve told her before that I don’t want her discussing his weight with him and she had agreed, so she knew. Since last week ds has asked me if he should have dessert and asked whether his new football shirt I want to buy will make him look bigger. Maybe those are coincidence, but it feels like something he wasn’t worrying about before has got into his head.

I told mum she isn’t going to be seeing either child for now. She said I was being cruel and using the children to punish her, and she has told relatives that I’m keeping her grandchildren away over one harmless comment. I said it isn’t one harmless comment, it’s the final one after months of smaller comments that I had already asked her to stop making. I know that sounds dramatic because she hasn’t been a bad grandma in every other respect. She has actually been a very good one. But I’m angry, and I don’t trust myself to just carry on as normal.

Dh thinks mum was wrong but doesn’t think I should have stopped contact at this point. He thinks I should tell her she can see them again if she apologises to ds properly to ds and agrees she won’t talk about weight with him. Not sure. dd keeps asking when she can go to Grandma’s and I feel awful because she hasn’t done anything. The really awkward thing for me is ds himself says he still wants to see grandma. He loves her and still talks about going there. I haven’t made him choose sides at all. There really isn’t another nearby grandparent for them.

I don’t know if I’m protecting ds or letting my anger make this bigger than it needs to be. I don’t want him growing up worrying about his weight, especially at eight, and I had made the boundary clear. At the same time I don’t want to take away a relationship with a grandmother he loves because she said something badly, not deliberately. The children adore her. Maybe tbh I am being too sensitive. AIBU to stop my mum seeing both children after what she said to ds, even though she has always been a good grandma otherwise?

If the child is already bursting out of his breeches, it won't be long before his schoolmates nickname him Fatso or something equally horrible. And you can't control what names other children call him. That's what he'll remember, and come to wish that the adults had stopped him overeating

Oh do give over! Almost every child in the UK will have biscuits and crisps sometimes. Parents just need to be sensible and make sure their children only eat such foods in moderation.

The state of this comment.

Another person who thinks the only conceivable solution to putting on weight is "call the kid fat to his face".

She's done that. It's in the OP and subsequent posts.

I do listen to nutritional advice, I just don’t agree that having biscuits or crisps in the house means I’m not looking after my child. He isn’t eating rubbish for every meal. We have normal meals, he has fruit and veg, yoghurt etc and he has snacks. Sometimes that snack is a biscuit or some crisps. I don’t think I need to throw every packet of biscuits in the bin because my 8 year old has put on a bit of weight.

And another helping isn’t some regular huge second dinner. If we have something like pasta or chilli and he is still hungry, sometimes he asks for more and I give him some. Other times he doesn’t. I’m not going to make him sit there hungry because someone on here thinks an 8 year old shouldn’t ever have seconds.

As for his measurements, I’m not posting them. I know what they are and I’ve looked at where he sits, I just don’t want his exact height and weight on a public forum. You can call that denial if you want but I don’t think it is. I’m not going to prove I’m a good parent by putting my childs measurements online.

I’m also not saying his weight doesn’t matter. I’m saying there is a difference between me looking at his health and my mum telling him “you don’t want to get any bigger, do you?” and then comparing him to his dad. He came to me afterwards asking if he was fat. That is the bit I cannot get past.

Don't tell your son that it was because of something she said to him, if you do he will blame himself for not seeing his grandma and might not tell you if she says something that upsets him in future.
OP I think you should talk to your mother if she is as loving and caring as you say she will understand, tell her you know she means well but her comments are hurting your son and are unhealthy. Tell her you love the relationship she has with your children and want it to continue but she has to agree not to mention weight again.

It was certainly normal for us to have seconds of school dinners at this age and none of us were fat. I could eat a three course adult meal aged 8. An active 8 year old boy needs 1600-1800 calories a day.

Anyway, it's besides the point, which is that granny should shut the fuck up about his weight.

My DS is 8. Very active, normal eating habits. Size 8-9 trousers are a little big on him on the waist( fine on the leg). Yes all kids are different but your DS is wearing 2 sizes bigger. Have you put his measurements into NHS BMI calculator? You’re being vague about how big he actually is which makes me think maybe your mum has a point (even if the delivery isn’t good).

The biggest issue here is that you’d already asked her to stop and she didn’t.

Eating disorders are actually far more detrimental to people than weight-related conditions or excess-weight-exacerbated conditions, but because we live in a fat-phobic society people don’t like to hear that.

That can be true at the same time as someone who could benefit from losing some excess weight. But at 8 year old is growing, as long as they are getting a balanced diet, exercise, and their health is fine, they do not need to diet and should not be at the receiving end of comments to suggest otherwise.

You know your own mother. If you feel that she can see them again as long as she promises not to mention anyone’s weight or diet, then I’d resume contact, but if you know this won’t be the case, keep things aside little-to-no contact for the time being. Everything else aside your child needs to know you love them regardless of what other people say and think of them.

By the way, I’m at a point in my life where I’m just a little bit overweight but my fitness is above average for my age. However, it took me a long time to be ok with my body thanks to the comments trusted adults made about my body when I was younger, and even into adulthood, despite a lot of my weight issues as a child being as a direct consequence of high dose steroids which kept me alive.

The best thing you can do is to try and fight fat-phobia and also try to use the term fat as a neutral term. Incidentally, people are also more likely to provide themselves with the correct nutrition if their self-esteem is higher and they don’t care what others think, so something else to think about and in the realms of what you CAN control for your own child, and ensuring no foods are banned - except in the case of allergies! Foods can be always foods or sometimes foods, but remove the good/bad labels too if that’s something else that happens. The more you try to stop access to something the more you want it. It’s human nature.

Most people know better now than to comment on someone’s appearance. I have a rule that you only comment if it’s something clearly detrimental that someone can fix immediately without hassle e.g. “Did you know you’ve got some crumbs down your front?” (Can immediately be brushed off) or “Here’s a tissue for your nose!” (Again, immediate, and you’ve solved the issue if they didn’t have a tissue.)

What we really need to do is include being Fat in the ever growing list of protected characteristics included in the Equality Act. May as well seeing as daring to notice that an overweight person eats too many crisps and biscuits, therefore making them fat, is a shameful thing and moreso if you vocalise it.

Your son’s weight is not the problem. You have asked your mum not to do something and she is ignoring your request. I would maybe not see her for a week or 2 and then try again. Reminding her that the subject is out of bounds.

I don't think you're overreacting. Stupid, insensitive comments like the ones she's been making are EXACTLY the kind of thing which will make him overeat - if shaming people worked, nobody would be overweight. It was that sort of comment constantly from my mum as a child that gave me a complex about food which turned into a full-blown eating disorder. You have to make her understand that her comments are going to make his weight issue worse, not better, and if she really wants to help, she shouldn't say anything at all.

If you're worried about his weight and don't know what to do, get the book How to Get Your Kid to Eat (but not too much) by Ellyn Satter. It was a big help when my daughter started to get a bit big as a 4 year old. She's long and lanky now and never worries about her weight.

My husband was tubby when he was about that age - and that was in the era before processed foods - his mum used to cook everything from scratch but he had a full dinner and pudding every night.

He used to walk to school but it was only when he went to secondary school and played more sport that he lost weight.

Personally I think if a child is active and overweight, they are eating too much. It's not hard to cut portion sizes and get rid of crisps and biscuits in the house - you don't need to ban them completely but just have them at weekends, for example. Also, do you take the kids to school in the car and can you walk or cycle?

I'd be more worried if she started telling your dd she is fat, as I think girls are more likely to have eating disorders.

I can totally imagine my mum being like this by the way but fortunately my son was always a skinny little thing (and still is very lean).

No we don't. Most people are fat because of lifestyle. And where they are not, it's covered by disability anyway.

I'd actually prefer to see height added, as you can't change that. You can change your weight in the majority of cases (upwards as well as downwards!)

Edited: sorry I think I've misread your post but my point stands!

Well the parent obviously sn't being sensible if her son is overweight.

Also, she said that her husband was not very overweight as if being overweight is acceptable.

If that it is what she thinks about her husband then she probably thinks the same about her son.

He might not be eating rubbish with every meal but he is eating a lot of rubbish if he is overweight.

And it's not acceptable to have biscuits and crisps in the house when your husband and your son are overweight.

It has become acceptable in the UK because so many people are overweight that they think it is normal to eat biscuits and crisps.

Absolutely this

Other cultures have a much more open and blunt language about weight.

Im concerned you dont seem to want to focus on your son being overweight. We ar literally killing children by not addressing childhood obesity.

.And being vague about portions and snacks, while mentioning "another helping" as if it normal for children to regularly have another helping.

@Herewegoagainandagainandagain then you’d have been horrified at my dcs,
Dc1 was eating massive portions then. About the same size than me. And the snacks etc….
And you know what? He wasn’t overweight then. He still isn’t as a 23yo despite eating about twice as much as me now.
And yes many parents commented on it,

Rules like this are just too inflexible to cater for all the needs of everyone. Let alone tge varying needs of the person - like I’m expecting that child is eating more after football training than on other days.

Thats wo talking about the fact that even if the OP’s dc was obese, the way to approach it is NOT to shame him the way the gran is doing. That is counterproductive anyway.
Its not to shame his dad either (or the OP)
It’s for the adults in his life, INCLUDING the gran, to take responsibility and TEACH him to recognise satiety, to give him better choices. Not to cut down his food intake - he is NOT supposed to loose weight the way an adult is- but to guide him.
And the last thing you want to do, if the OP needed to do any of that, is to try and shame her for not being more precise on how overweight her child is or not.

Can you think of other ways to address obesity other than repeatedly vocalising it to the person concerned?

Allowing children to become obese is a form of child abuse. Parents are leading them into a lifetime of ill health and low self esteem. Many UK parents are in denial about how fat they and their children are. This explains why rates of obesity in UK are so much higher than those in other European countries. It is genuinely shocking to those of us visiting from abroad.

This places an unbearable burden on the NHS meaning that there are fewer resources to treat those with unavoidable illnesses.

OP. Your mother should not have spoken directly to your DS about this. He is too young to deal with this himself. But your post suggests you are in denial. You need to address your son’s weight problems before they cause irreversible harm.
(And he is not big boned, and he will not grow out of it without action from you).

I’m also not saying his weight doesn’t matter. I’m saying there is a difference between me looking at his health and my mum telling him “you don’t want to get any bigger, do you?” and then comparing him to his dad. He came to me afterwards asking if he was fat. That is the bit I cannot get past.

Does this mean your son sees his dad as fat? If he is making the connection that grandma is saying he is getting like his dad is he aware that his dad is big?

Just to answer one point on here, there are many I could respond to, but if a person/child eats their dinner, and its a normal size dinner, they are not 'hungry' at the end of it. They might want more, but its not hunger

So denying the second 'helping' is not leaving him hungry. I have to apply this to myself. Its not easy, but wanting more, is not hunger, its just wanting to eat more of the thing because its nice.

You won't put his measurements here on an anonymous forum OP, because you know you will get your arse handed to you. It is your own fault that your child is fat and is getting fatter, you are just letting it happen. This has obviously been going on a while if your mother has been continually questioning you concerned about your sons weight, you have changed nothing, you still let him eat as he has been.

That said, your mother should NEVER EVER have made comments to your son regarding his weight. Cutting her off is ridiculous, she obviously loves him and is worried about him, speak to her and tell her never to do that again.

A PP was right, it is only a matter of time before one of his peers says something to him, you need to be prepared for that and you also need to get a handle on his weight.

Also, have you spoken to your son to find out what he thinks about the comments from his grandmother? Does he feel he’d only like to see her if she didn’t comment? Does he still want to see her, knowing she will make the comments, but wants to know from you how he should deal with them? Maybe he wants to remain in contact but wants a script from you so he’s got a rehearsed response for her? This is also a good opportunity for you to teach him how to tell others it’s unacceptable to comment on others’ bodies, and how to set boundaries when you cannot avoid dealing with people who will always overstep.

Your DS could just be putting on a bit of weight before a growth spurt. It wouldnt be good for anyone to stop them having contact with their Grandma where there is such a close relationship. However, it does sound really annoting if she cant stop saying these things. Having a quiet word hasnt worked. Perhaps a very loud telling her might?