NC because this is quite identifying. I’ve got ds who is 8 and dd who is 5, and my mum is their grandma. She has always been very involved with them and normally has them every other Saturday, sometimes picks them up from school and takes them out. They absolutely adore her and until now I’ve always thought of her as a really good grandma, even though she can be blunt sometimes. I’ve stopped her seeing them for now because of something she said directly to ds and I’m not sure if I’ve overreacted.
ds is 8, in year 4, loves football and gaming and is a quiet sensitive child. He’s doing fine at school really, not especially academic. He is bigger than some boys in his class and has put on a bit of weight recently, but he isn’t obese and isn’t under any weight management or medical care. I don’t want this to become a discussion about whether he technically needs to lose weight because that isn’t what I’m upset about. Me and dh encourage him to be active and we eat normal meals, with treats as well. He’s just an eight year old.
My mum is 62 and retired, lives about 20 minutes away and has always been there for me and us. She buys them little things, takes them swimming, to the park, shopping, whatever they fancy, they look forward to her weekends. She has helped me out a lot and the kids see her as important too. My dad died a few years ago and my brother lives abroad so there isn’t another grandparent nearby who could fill the gap. I’ve defended her before by saying she’s their grandma and she’s always been there, and tbh she genuinely has been loving and involved with them.
The problem is she has got increasingly interested in ds’s weight. She’s asked him why he always wants seconds, told him he needs to watch the biscuits and commented that his school trousers looked tight. She’s also compared him to slimmer cousins and asked me if he gets enough exercise. I have spoken to her privately and said please don’t talk about his weight in front of him. She says she’s only concerned because children don’t know when to stop, but she carries on making comments. Dh has noticed too but normally just says that’s your mum and doesn’t want a huge argument.
Last week ds came into the kitchen wearing his school jumper. He’d been asking me about getting a new football shirt because his old one was tight. Mum looked at him and said, “you don’t want to get any bigger, do you? You’ll end up like your dad.” He just laughed awkwardly and I didn’t make a thing of it. Later that same evening he quietly asked me if he was fat. I honestly felt sick because he hadn’t used that word about himself before. I asked him why and he said grandma had told him boys get fat if they eat too much rubbish and need to be careful.
I rang mum and asked what she thought she was doing. She said ds had misunderstood her, then said she was only trying to help him. She said I was being too sensitive and that if nobody tells children anything they’ll become unhealthy. I said there’s a difference between teaching healthy habits and making an eight year old think about whether his body is too big. She said I let him eat whatever he wants, which I disagree with that. We do have biscuits and sweets in the house, but he eats meals and he’s active. Mum said she was giving sensible advice.
It also isn’t just this one conversation, so I’m struggling to see it as harmless. There have been the comments about seconds, biscuits, his trousers and exercise, and she has said things like he eats like a grown man. I’ve told her before that I don’t want her discussing his weight with him and she had agreed, so she knew. Since last week ds has asked me if he should have dessert and asked whether his new football shirt I want to buy will make him look bigger. Maybe those are coincidence, but it feels like something he wasn’t worrying about before has got into his head.
I told mum she isn’t going to be seeing either child for now. She said I was being cruel and using the children to punish her, and she has told relatives that I’m keeping her grandchildren away over one harmless comment. I said it isn’t one harmless comment, it’s the final one after months of smaller comments that I had already asked her to stop making. I know that sounds dramatic because she hasn’t been a bad grandma in every other respect. She has actually been a very good one. But I’m angry, and I don’t trust myself to just carry on as normal.
Dh thinks mum was wrong but doesn’t think I should have stopped contact at this point. He thinks I should tell her she can see them again if she apologises to ds properly to ds and agrees she won’t talk about weight with him. Not sure. dd keeps asking when she can go to Grandma’s and I feel awful because she hasn’t done anything. The really awkward thing for me is ds himself says he still wants to see grandma. He loves her and still talks about going there. I haven’t made him choose sides at all. There really isn’t another nearby grandparent for them.
I don’t know if I’m protecting ds or letting my anger make this bigger than it needs to be. I don’t want him growing up worrying about his weight, especially at eight, and I had made the boundary clear. At the same time I don’t want to take away a relationship with a grandmother he loves because she said something badly, not deliberately. The children adore her. Maybe tbh I am being too sensitive. AIBU to stop my mum seeing both children after what she said to ds, even though she has always been a good grandma otherwise?