Boarding school houseparent life

[extracurricularsomuch]

my husband and I are houseparents in a boarding school. i am really struggling with the job, and quite frankly, would like to not work for a few years while our kids are still young.

We are not very extravagant people, and this is the second live in boarding job for me. I have always been a bit of a saver, and started investing a few years ago. I took ownership of the family money, and our portfolio has now reached 1 million. My goal was always to use this for retirement, or to retire early, but now I want to use some of this money now if I need to.

The big problem is my husband does not want to leave the job, and we have a joint role. I have grown to hate how intrusive it is, and how we (especially him) are always looking after other people’s kids, sometimes at the expense of our own.

I recognise the benefits, and there are many, but I’m struggling so much with it at the moment. He won’t commit to doing one more year or give me a timeframe for how much longer he wants to do this.

He genuinely seems to enjoy the job, and likes the financial benefits. I’ve spoken to him, explained, but he just says we can make a few changes in the boarding house to make things better. He doesn’t seem to care that we also have no time for us. We work evenings, so once the kids are asleep, we are on duty wjth the boarders. We work every other weekend, and I dread those weekends.

How can I move forward with this? I’m so sad to be missing out on time with my kids when they’re young, and feel I will regret all this work when they are older and dont want to be with us as much.

Sounds very difficult OP. You need to take a step back maybe see out this academic year.

Why does your husband have to be the one to put a limit on it? Given your feelings of burnout and fear you may regret this life in years to come, you could easily end up resentful and that’s toxic.

Explain you only have this one more academic year in you. After June 2027, you want to be living and working elsewhere with a more normal family life. How would he react?

You have a million pounds you can take a few years without teaching.

can’t tell if you are being serious!

Yes, e we did this previously, but really don’t want to leave where we live. We love it. And Theres only one school here. But that would be an ideal option somewhere else.

Yes, I would go back I think when my kids are older.

i could put my foot down for the end of the academic year. But he’s coming up with all these reasons why it actually does work for us. I don’t teach much, so have a decent amount of free time during the day, our kids actually really love the boarding community. Sometimes after a good day or good week I feel I could do it longer, other times I could quit tomorrow.

He just tries to convince me that the role isnt actually that bad, especially compared to some other boarding roles , and the benefits are very good. His perspective is that there are a few difficult points in the week, but every family has that. And there are a lot of positives that outweigh the inconvenience.

Surely at this point, you lay your cards on the table for your employer. You feel over-worked and may leave, what can they offer? They won't want to lose 2 good employees

Could he keep his teaching role in the school and just give up the houseparent role?

If you are feeling this bad, he needs to start paying attention. You’re an equal part of the setup and if you’ve had enough, that should carry weight.

You have £1million pounds?? Surely that’s a lot of money and you could take a couple of years off? How much would that leave you? How much do you need to live on a year?

I think it would help you both to be far more concrete. What do you need to live? What would your husband do if not this job? How long? Where? You don’t seem like you have a valid option on the table to talk about properly. Obviously he’d need to quit as well so then what? A million sounds amazing but it won’t last forever - particularly in Switzerland - so will you be moving somewhere more affordable? Are you on visas? (only because this is a primarily uk site).

Well some is inaccessible until we are closer to retirement age. But I do have access to quote à bit. It was meant to bridge the gap between retiring and getting pensions. I’ve realised now that some will also need to be used for the children’s education if they decide to go to university. So it may not be as much as is on paper. We own no properties.

I asked my DD, who more or less grew up in school. She liked having friends nearby and the community and friendly meals eaten with the boarders. Having the facilities close by. Joining boarders outings. No regrets on her part, so OP, your children might feel the same.
That said, I think there comes a point doing this job when you're just done, at least for a while and just need to stop. Is there any way an assistant housemistress can cover you for a year while you re-evaluate and most importantly, rest and spend time with your children?

Yes you’re right.

My husband does not particularly want to be a full time teacher in this school, as it is not a very rewarding place to be a teacher. Generally low motivation and standards from pupils.

But we want to stay here, so there aren’t many options. It’s very expensive to live here. I think I am stuck doing this if we want to stay here, which we really do.

We have Irish passports so visas aren’t so much of an issue.

Yesterday was my day off, but had this awful underlying anxiety all day, that I am now not sure is completely related to the job, but also possibly peri menopause! 😂 but the job is a definite contributing factor.

Why does he need to be contacted even if it’s your weekend off? Surely the staff on duty should be sorting things if a child needs to go to hospital etc. You can be informed on Monday about what’s gone on during the weekend…unless it’s an absolute emergency and the house is burning down?
I would firstly start with trying to put some boundaries in place - if you're off, then you’re OFF.

Yes, it’s very difficult to do that in boarding. Much easier at my previous school where the deputies had worked there for 10+ years. Here, it’s different. But boundaries do need to be firmer. It’s partly him though, he is the lead person in managing the house, and he needs to be better with certain communications and instructions.

You have got to read the riot act to him, him not wanting to listen or discuss the matter of is simply not good enough.

Does he really want to test your marriage to destruction? You need to force the discussion in these terms. YANBU