I honestly dont know where to start with this today my 15 year old DS pushed me backwards into a cupboard during an argument and it really hurt and frightened me. ive had enough rows with him over the years that I dont even know why this one has tipped me over but it has. im sat here tonight thinking how on earth have I got to this point with my own child. I know ive made mistakes with him I know I have and I keep going over things in my head thinking maybe ive actually caused alot of this myself. I feel completely lost atm and dont know what to do.
hes 15 and when hes angry its like another person comes out. he swears at me and calls me names like a cunt and a fucking bitch and screams right in my face and just refuses everything. l I dont know how much longer I can keep pretending this is just normal teenage behaviour because it isnt is it.
at the moment its basically constant. he refuses school and stays awake half the night gaming then sleeps half the day if I let him and if I ask him to do anything he says no or tells me to fuck off. he has punched walls slammed doors thrown things and damaged stuff in the house. he deliberately winds up the younger ones and sometimes they are genuinely scared of him. he walks out when hes angry and then comes back when he wants food money wifi or something else. consequences dont seem to bother him at all sometimes he actually laughs at me. im constantly waiting for the next explosion and thats not normal is it.
and I know I have to say this because otherwise people will probably wonder. I gave him far too much screen time when he was younger. hours of gaming and youtube and whatever he wanted really. I let him stay up late far too often and if he wouldnt come off the xbox I would sometimes just leave him because I knew the argument would turn into a massive two hour screaming match. when he didnt want to go to school when he was younger I sometimes let him stay home just to keep the peace. homework showering coming off screens going to bed there were so many times I just gave up. if he was screaming and the other kids were trying to sleep I would say fine just have it its not worth the row. I told myself I was picking my battles but looking back I wasnt really setting boundaries properly at all.
there was alot going on in our lives at the time as well and I dont want that to sound like an excuse. I was in an abusive relationship and when I left we ended up homeless and in temporary accommodation and it was just one thing after another with housing and money and work and trying to keep everybody ok. DS had to start secondary school in a completely new area and everything around him had changed. I was basically thinking get everyone fed get everyone somewhere safe and get through the day. I dont think I was thinking about whether I was being consistent or doing everything perfectly I was just exhausted. maybe I felt sorry for him as well because he had already lost so much and I didnt want to make things harder.
school has got worse and worse as well. when he was first having problems I actually challenged the school alot because I thought they were being too harsh with him and didnt understand what was going on. I questioned sanctions and detentions and anything I thought was unfair and I defended him in meetings because at the time I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. now he refuses to go properly and hes barely attending and im in the shit with attendance because I cant physically drag a 15 year old boy through the school gates. he lies in school meetings as well and says things didnt happen or that ive said things I havent said and then sits there acting like im the one making it up. ive tried taking the ps5 his phone being calm shouting ignoring him rewards consequences everything I can think of and none of it lasts. if I push too hard it can turn into another massive row and sometimes things get broken. I feel like ive lost control completely.
the thing I cant get out of my head is that I think I taught him that this works. if he refuses something I eventually stop asking. if he screams loud enough I give in. if hes had a terrible day and then wants something sometimes I give it to him because I just want the house quiet. ive bought him things after rows given him extra playstation time let things go that I shouldnt have and sometimes allowed him to stay home when he should have gone to school because I couldnt face the battle. I wasnt deliberately spoiling him I was surviving and trying to keep the peace but I can see now that he may have learnt that if he pushes hard enough I will back down. I honestly feel sick thinking about it because how do you undo years of that.
and then today happened. he was angry with me about something and came towards me and pushed me hard backwards into the cupboard. it wasnt him brushing past me or accidentally knocking me he pushed me and I went backwards into it. I was shocked more than anything and then he just went upstairs put his headset on and then hes gone out like nothing has happened. no sorry nothing just carried on with his evening as if he hadnt pushed me at all. somehow that has frightened me more than the actual push because it was as though it was completely ordinary to him. ive been sitting here thinking he doesnt seem to understand where the normal boundaries are anymore. I dont know when that happened or how much of that is down to me.
I think ive fucked him up completely