To cancel DD’s birthday party because I know her dad will ruin it?

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DD is turning 10 next Saturday and I’ve booked a little party for her which she has been excited about for weeks. There will be about 10 girls from her class and her cousin, so 11 children altogether. It’s only a 2 hour party at the local community hall, with a cheap entertainer, pizza and cake. DD picked the theme and has been very clear she wants it small and just her friends, no adults making a fuss.

The problem is it falls on her dads weekend. We’ve been separated about 4 years and he normally has the DC alternate weekends. I had already agreed I’d do the party and he could have DD afterwards and take her out for dinner, presents etc. I genuinely thought that was a reasonable arrangement. He does see her regularly and I’m not trying to stop him being part of her birthday, I just thought the actual party could be the thing I had organised.

A few days ago he asked if his parents could come. I said the hall is quite small and it’s a drop off party, so I didn’t think extra adults would work. Then he said his GF and her 2 children would be coming too. Her children are about 7 and 4. DD apparently got upset when he told her and later said to me she didn’t want them there because “it’s my party and I don’t know what I’m meant to do with them”. She just wants it to be her friends and cousin, which is what we had planned.

There have been a few similar things before. He does have a habit of making things into quite big family occasions. Last Christmas he brought extra relatives along to something I’d arranged without checking first, and at DS’s school event he turned up with several people which was a bit chaotic. I’m not saying he doesn’t love the children because he does, and DD loves seeing her grandparents too. I know they enjoy having her and I’m not trying to keep them away. It’s just that sometimes he seems to think every event has to include everyone.

He said his parents haven’t seen DD for a little while and were looking forward to her birthday, and that I was making him look bad in front of his family. I said they can see her, and that he can have her straight after the party and take her for dinner and cake and give her presents etc. He then said he is her dad and shouldn’t have to “book an appointment” to attend his own daughters birthday. I did get annoyed at that because I’m not stopping him seeing her, I’m saying he can’t just add 4 extra people to something that was planned as a small party.

The hall has a proper maximum capacity and I’ve already paid for it, the entertainer, food and the cake. It isn’t just me being fussy about having extra people there. If all the children come plus me and the adults he wants to bring it would be over the number we’re allowed. He says some of the children won’t take up seats anyway and I’m being ridiculous about it. I’ve told him he can come on his own if he wants to, but he says that’s not the point because his family should be there too.

DD has now started saying she doesn’t even want the party. She said she’d rather I cancel it and take her shopping and for lunch with me. I honestly feel sick about it because she was so excited before all this started. I know she is only 10 and obviously doesn’t understand all the adult stuff, but I hate that she is now upset about something that was meant to be for her. It feels like whatever I do I’m going to make it worse, and maybe I already have by arguing with her dad about it.

DP thinks I should just stop negotiating with him and have the party as planned, and if he doesn’t want to come then that’s his choice. My mum thinks cancelling would be unfair on DD because she shouldn’t lose her party just because her parents can’t agree. I haven’t told the other parents anything yet because I don’t want to start making a drama out of it when it might still be sorted. I’m also annoyed because I’ve saved for this and already paid for everything, so cancelling it feels ridiculous, but obviously that’s not more important than DD being happy.

I’m now thinking I should just tell him he isn’t invited if he is bringing everyone else, keep the party exactly as planned and let him have DD afterwards. But then I worry she’ll feel like I deliberately excluded her dad from her birthday. The other option is cancelling it all and doing something with her instead, which she is now saying she wants anyway. I know how this sounds and I might be completely unreasonable here, but am I actually the one who’s ruining her birthday now? AIBU to just say no to all the extra people and carry on with the party?

Birthday parties are great fun but usually pretty exhausting, even a relatively small one will be exciting and most children will not then be desperately keen to head straight out for another birthday celebration.
You could offer her dad another date that he could have her and try to swap the whole day. If that is not an option and you can’t make a combined party work then sorry but you need to reschedule it onto a mum weekend.
If it was the other way round think how you would feel.

He agreed, now he’s trying to move the goalposts. You’ve done nothing wrong and I wouldn’t cancel the party if I was in your shoes.

Did you….did you ACTUALLY read the op’s posts? Dear lord 🤦‍♀️

Tell him it is a friend party, the family party will be the meal he takes her for after. So anyone who comes, outside of dd and her invited friends, will be expected to help run the party.

It does sound like you've made a mountain out of a molehill tbh

It sounds like nothing will make him happy. His daughter’s happiness should come first.

Can you ask if you can re-book it for your weekend, with no penalty? It is simplest to just stick to the agreement over whose weekend it is. Then he has absolutely no say.

Couldn’t you have arranged it on your weekend? You know how he likes to make things family affairs so why set yourself up for this drama?

Who is letting you into the hall? I know for bookings at our church (which incidentally has rooms for hire with a capacity of 6, 15, 25, 35 & 120 - so small capacity rooms do exist) the key holder has to let you in. So they would say no to the extra people…

I think you need to go ahead with it as originally planned, because your daughter needs to learn she does not have to compromise her day when other people want her to, but ask ex if he is happy to help run it, and he can come instead of your Mum

He is shitty though for agreeing originally then changing the goalposts last minute

This! If u knew he had previous form it should not have been booked on his weekend. I know dc wanted on the actual birthday, but u needed to manage this n make her understand, this wouldn’t be the case this year, and party would have to be the weekend before, or after. He has now railroaded the event and now dc wants to cancel something she was looking forward to, bless her.

Oh bore off.

THIS obviously.

But that makes no sense because his parents can be with her the whole rest of the day after the party. It's a party YOU are paying for, not him. Tell him if he wants to come, he can but ONLY him. You are not paying for his GF and her kids to come and make the party into an over-crowded mess. PLus, your DD doesn't want them there.
Your ex is making this way to hard and it's your DD's party that you are throwing. He can throw a separate party if that's what he wants.

Just nip it in the bud and stop letting him control you. There is a reason he is an ex.

Edited to add: How long is the party and what time? A few posters on here are making it sound like it ruins "his time" with his daughter. Unless the party is 8 hours long, their bloviating is bullshite and untrue. His parents, his GF, her children etc. can see her AFTER you let your DD have the party that YOU paid for. If your asshat ex tries to say "no", tell him to go pound sand and that your DD will see him AFTER the party unless he wants to come by himself.

Also, tell your ex that a person on MN thinks your ex has "main character syndrome" where if he is the center of attention, he works it to make sure he is. What a pathetic and sick thig to do to his DD on HER birthday.

Oh don't worry! The child knows exactly what a twat her father is. Her mother has made sure of that.

I don't think the mom has to do anything. The ex has shown himself to be a twat-waffle without any outside help.

Who do you consider is doing the manipulation? Strikes me they are both as bad as each other and the poor daughter is caught in the middle.
If the child is so set on what she wants I wonder why she can't communicate this to her dad herself.
Had the party been arranged for OP's weekend none of this would have happened and dad could have arranged to do something with his daughter on her actual birthday.

This Dad wants to come to his own daughter's birthday party.
MNetters just cannot make up their minds can they? Dad wants to be involved - oh we can't have that it doesn't fit in with mum's plans. Dad wants nothing to do with his children - he is a waste of space.
The misandry on these posts is palpable at times. Children have two parents. Mothers are not the only ones who care and they do not have the monopoly on what is right.

Don't you? I think this mum has a lot to do with her daughter's opinion of her father. I think it is coloured by her own disatisfaction.
OP should be smoothing things over on this occasion, realising she has made an enormous mistake and doing all she can to make the best of a bad job, instead of stoking the fire of resentment.

I agree dad should go (dad should also pay half, and should have helped with the arranging)

I think the birthday girl is a bit old for grandparents at her party, but the three grandparents could pop their heads in - just not stay for the full party watching everyone.

i don’t agree the girlfriend and her two kids should go. I don’t think dad had the right to invite them, given his daughter doesn’t want them there and he hasn’t contributed to the party.

With the girlfriend, that would be six adults watching 12 kids - it’s just too much for kids who are about to go to secondary school.

Well, since that is the ONLY time the OP's Mom would see her DGD on her birthday, I see zero reason she should not be there. Daddy did not pay for any part of the party, so he has zero "right" to be there.
He can get his parents, his GF and her two kids and take his daughter out AFTER the party. Then he has the whole rest of Saturday and all of Sunday to celebrate.

If you aren't paying for the party, it isn't your party to crash. Dad knows this but he enjoys being the center of attention and controlling everyone around him.

He shouldn’t be invited at all. If he wants to throw her a party and invite all his family then he can do so, separately to the one you’ve booked and paid for.
message him and tell him he’s ruining her party and she should be allowed to have a party the way she wants it.. tell him hes causing unwanted drama and is now not welcome and you’ll drop her to his after the party is over… end of… in future book parties during your weekends and don’t tell him!!

I get she wanted it on her birthday but if they was his weekend then things would have better to change the date of party

be blunt to dad and say he is welcome to come but alone. Def not with new gf and her kids.

adding extra kids let alone ones who don’t know rest of kids is silly / be different if a family party

and why doesn’t ex let his parents come round on his days to see their grandchild

Mum is happy for dad to attend though…. She just doesn’t want his parents, new girlfriend and her 2 kids to hate crash the party because their daughter has expressed she doesn’t want adult and any extras there!
It is perfectly normal post separation for mum to do something with their child on their birthday, and dad to do something separately…. Would it really kill this dad to arrange something for his DD rather than using the party his ex paid for and arranged to entertain his family.

Sorry? You said the op cant control what people think. I was responding that ahes trying to deal with his intended actions. Not sure what's wrong with that.

For all those saying the op is in the wrong for booking on dad's weekend ..he AGREED. It is his daughter's birthday weekend.

He CAN come to the party, just not bring a crowd. He hasn't offered to contribute or help which is the only reason the op's mum is there.

This is nothing to do with misandry. One the one hand we have a parent trying to give her dd the birthday she wants. On the other we have a parent trying to impose what THEY want and disregarding tje child's wishes. The sex of each parent is irrelevant.

It sounds as though DD is trying to take responsibility and fix this for you, but really I think your mum is right.
You and your mum can bring folding chairs and sit outside the hall, and you can grab a bar cake at the supermarket, maybe even dairy free, to fill out the cake supply . problem solved. let the party happen and dont remind dd there was drama and all should be well,.
Demonstrating reslience is good for kids. Learning plans can change and people can adapt and be fine.
His family did not quietly accept the lack of invites so i feel all there is left is to be graceful. on the bright side they clearly think she is worth a fuss.

You say this side of your daughters family has a history of inclusive family celebrations?. Perhaps avoid this drama by accepting this and inviting the grandparents from both sides in future. .. even if your daughter says not to as when she is older she may feel bad about excluding them .

I know from your other replies it wasnt- but this read at first as though instead of contingency plans to include the paternal grandparents you were trying to control for them always wanting to come by doing some master level chess moves with the hall size. I was relieved when i saw it was not! I am laughing now and apologise for ever thinking of it!!

My and my DH families had radically different approaches to christmas and our parents were civil but bewildered by each other so we arranged while the kids were still babies for dinner(lunch) with one family then tea(evening meal) with the other swapping every year. Our kids werent aware of the inlaw thing because my mil and mum were both early education teachers and insisted they not be.. When they grew up it went to not swapping. (they chose dinner with mils roast and tea with my parents) We usually had birthday parties out of home so everyone could come. Yes laser tag rooms were about waiting outside but that was part of the fun.

As a young woman decades ago i would be very stressed about things I dont blink about now, and part of my being able to change that was being quite busy with community things, which is a good example for kids. Local theatre or historical re-enactment? the national trust and wildlife groups have a lot of important work.

I am not op, but have to say that it isnt hate crashing for grandparents to want to attend a tenth birthday party. Far from it,

Saying oops, small hall, and convening after the two hours at another venue for another leg of the party would be very simple if op just wanted to include everyone. (to be fair op may not have thought of that, I know I find it hard to pivot, ) .I think ops mum is right that her DD should not have to miss out.

I didnt see new girlfiend? The possiblity of either of them having a partner with kids feels like something worth having a conversation about after four years.. DD could have step or half siblings in the future. If the ex and his gf are common law she may already have them.

Op did the right thing to a different set of manners to that of her ex.. Op was pointedly impolite she did not invite them despite being absolutely sure they would want to come given they are an inclusive celebrations family. She went on assume she was going to be able to exclude them as it would be rude or intrusive for them to notice she iced them... which would work with my inlaws.. of course with many more boisterous families ( like my mums) being carefully icey is missed. ( Dad grew up with my in laws rules but adored mums ways:)