AIBU to struggle when my partner drinks because of my ex?

[queenofidontcare]

My exH was an alcoholic. He was never violent but he could be mean and he made me unhappy. I’m with someone new now and he’s a good man however when we go out with friends he gets carried away and drinks a lot even though he knows my past (this is maybe every 2-3 months). He isn’t an alcoholic and I think I’m probably the problem as I hate being around drunk people but am AIBU to freak out about him drinking? How have other people coped in similar situations?

I can understand this is difficult OP. But it doesn't sound like your partner is an alcoholic- he just likes to have a big night out every now and then. If that is too hard for you then this may not be the relationship for you.

Depends what you mean by freak out and how you react to him.

I know that's a bit "let's define terms" but I suppose it's needed to asess the situation.

I don't think you're unreasonable to have an instinctive reaction to something which caused such pain and anxiety in the past. You've very understandably been conditioned to have awful associations with drunk partners.

I'd think you were unreasonable (presuming him getting drunk is benign abs at most mildly annoying) to make him feel guilty or act in a manner which makes him feel responsible for your anxiety or as though he's unreasonable unless he modified his behaviour.

It might be that you're just not suitable fir each other

You feel how you feel so that’s not unreasonable. What do you do with the feelings though? Keep them yourself? Try and stop him? Get angry?

I didn’t freak out at him, it was an internal one. I just left without saying goodbye and messaged to say I’d gone home. I just felt uncomfortable, he was being the life and soul and I could feel myself getting more tense, everything was too loud and I just couldn’t be in there anymore so I smiled and told the friend I was chatting to that I had to get my train and left.

I'd say you're not compatible tbh

I had thought you meant being alone with him brought about anxiety etc. If it was in a public space with friends and his exuberance brought on his reaction then I don't think it's reasonable or feasible for either of you to expect the other to change.

Either he carries on as he does but feels very aware that despite doing nothing wrong he's choosing having fun over your comfort or he changes his behaviour and feels he's missing out from shouting himself despite doing nothing wrong and paying for the dins of your ex.

Similarly you either make it clear you need the behaviour to stop and feel guilty for stifling him or you pretend everything is OK and resent him for inducing anxiety even though he's unaware.

Could you get counselling-it isn't your fault you feel like this, but you're likely to have friends/possibly boyfriends or even maybe kids (when they grow up) who want to drink, and it might help. No judgment at all-with me it was family members who had alcohol issues, and for cultural reasons wouldn't seek help, and I feel guilty about not pushing it, which used to make me upset when others drank.

You are perfectly entitled to not want to be around drunk people OP. Drunks are not good company. At best they are boring and embarrassing,. At worst there is always the potential for violence.
I was married to an alcoholic and much of our social life revolved around drink and in the company of drinkers. I didn't want to end up going down the route of alcohol dependency myself so I walked out.
I totally understand why you are unhappy with your partners's drinking binge. Unfortunately you can't tell him how much he can drink . So I'm afraid it's a question of tolerating his pattern of drinking or else leaving the relationship.