What am I doing wrong regarding school mums?

[Schooolm]

I really struggle with this group of mums, I don’t know where I’m going wrong, can I talk about today for example and get some insight on where to improve my interactions?

I recognised a mum in my son’s year group (year 2) it’s a 3 form entry, and said hello to her, we sat on a bench together waiting. Conversation was polite and nice. Another mum I recognised walked near us and I said hello to her too and she was standing so I moved to the edge and said there’s a seat here. We talked for about 20 seconds and then I introduced the other lady to her and they chatted which was fine but then they just talked to each other and didn’t even look in my direction. I tried to interject where I could but they didn’t even make eye contact again. They carried on chatting after 5 minutes I got up and said “have a nice weekend, take care” really friendly not in a horrible way, they looked up said bye and carried on talking! I felt a bit uncomfortable just sitting there on the edge whilst they were chatting away there so that’s why I said bye and moved closer to where kids will line up.

I said hi to the people I was standing next to. I smiled and was friendly to all the new parents. The kids parents from my sons class who is in year 2 now came to the line one by one but not one said hello to me! I am always the person that first says hello so today I thought let’s see what happens. The one I thought was good friends with me as she’s been to my house numerous times and we have met up for coffee without the kids and play dates with the kids she blanked me too! She said hello to the other parents in my class and there were about 8 of them in a circle talking,

Y am I going wrong? Please don’t dismiss my feeling by saying usual moment stuff of “who cares “, “why don’t you make friends outside of the mum groups”. I don’t want to be best buddies with becomes but I do want to not walk away every Friday feeling they hate me and I’ve done something wrong, I only see them Fridays as it’s my job working day, but I don’t think this is the reason we’re not close as there’s a doctor in the group too and she only goes pink up and drop offs like 2 times a month whereas I am there once a week sometimes 2 or 3 if I don’t have meetings.

Be a bit more quiet. Smile, stay standing near and avail yourself of conversation, yes.

Start conversation sometimes.

It is rude to exclude another but equally rude to interupt your own discussion with a person - to cut it short and introduce another bistander.

Chill and if you connect warmly with one other petson per day, that is brilliant, if not no one thinks badly of you.

Sometimes ask another parent to share coffee, or to yours before school pick up for a play (toddlers similar in age).

Probably the two mums chatting didn't realise that they were leaving you out. Being in the situation where this happens feels like ages to the one not involved but moments to those talking. As you introduced them, they were likely just being polite to each other.

I can feel awkward when others are chatting away and apparently ignoring me and I have had those negative thoughts you describe. But experience tells me it's all in my head - act lively and interested and others take an interest. Some people won't like you, just as you won't like some others, but overall people are mostly open to most other people.

Chatty confident people have more friendly experiences- you can fake it till you make it.

OP what do you do when there is a group chatting that you feel excluded from? Every person In that group bar the 1st one or two have needed to include them selves by joining the group. Have you tried including yourself instead of waiting for someone to include you? Also the park bench situation, I would not have been to bothered about that. 1stly it shows that you do have mum friends as you were sat chatting to one. When you invited the other to sit down and talk, this is the 1st time they have spoken to each other and find things in common, them chatting may have nothing to do with excluding you and next time when the 3 of you meet it will be different. Also when people are chatting do you wait until someone has stopped speaking, I know that a bit of a silly question but sometimes you can wait forever being polite and not get a word in edgeways and then feel excluded.

OP you say you have lots of friends elsewhere so why does this bother you so much? Not everyone will like you and that's normal. Other people do like you so why does it matter?

@Schooolm Hi OP again, reading your update I have a further thought… agree with a PP where they said call the rude one out. Just casually wonder up and make a comment about your meet ups over summer. She’s the bloody rude one, not you. Please dont think there is something up with you, you sound very inclusive, where some of us are perhaps pretty insular and that’s their own small minded issues.

I think here, you need your feelings validated and I can tell you I get what you are saying in these posts. Other posters telling you to ‘get over it’ or ‘you’re reading into it too much’ is useless commentary. You feel how you feel and that’s how it is. It really resonates with me because I see a similar bunch of strangely cold people are our gates…. But as time goes on I’m continuing to have quick little polite interchanges with people and slowly getting to know people and finding some friendly!

I think what’s galling for you is your meet ups over the summer with this odd woman and her lack of acknowledgement of you in front of these other women. It’s utterly bizarre and rude. Trust your judgement on her now… Call her out on it if you feel able (I defo would not let her get away with it) and step back from her… she sounds quietly transactional (for her own needs only) and doesnt make you feel good. Make sure she knows you have noticed her behaviour and stay friendly, keep your head up and find a couple of Mums who are decent…. There will be one or two who you could get along with, am sure of it. X

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, some people are just rude.

If it's Y2, where have you been until now? Perhaps they've been friends for two years already and they don't know you as well.

OP, people are rude and have lost the art of conversation and small talk. Its not you. Basic manners are lacking these days

OP - people are like dolly mixtures, some you like, some you don’t. Some people can act like dicks whilst others are nice. I also think for the most part many parents just want to come and go. Of course, some people will click and great! But I think for the most part, parents just want to collect and go. It comes across that you are expecting more from these people than they are likely to give. I’ve learnt some parents can just be offish, they probably think the same about me but honestly meh. I’m curious why you’re seeking a greater connection than they are prepared to give? There’s nothing wrong in seeking connection, it’s the most human thing to do and is tied to overall health, but perhaps you should be investing elsewhere?

I recognise it can feel shit and hurt. But if you are able to just focus on getting the kids and start reflecting on how and who your energy is invested in you may find you don’t become so downhearted when you don’t get the response/connection you deserve.