Is this a normal work arrangement or a massive red flag?

[henryric]

Okay, I'm writing this a bit differently because it's not that I don't trust my wife. I do. But sometimes I feel like trust is one thing, and trusting another person's intentions is something completely different.

My wife and I are both 44. We've been married for a long time, have three teenagers, and have a very good marriage. There aren't any problems between us. I work in PE, so I completely understand that meeting clients, travelling for work, going out for dinners, etc. is normal.

My wife works in the art world. She owns a gallery and has quite a lot of international clients, so travelling abroad for work isn’t unusual for her either. The issue is a new client she met around six months ago. He’s very wealthy and has now offered her what sounds like a very lucrative arrangement.

He wants her to travel with him for about a month through France and Italy, and then spend another two weeks in the US, staying at his home. The purpose is apparently for him to buy artwork, attend auctions and have my wife assist him with the art side of things.
He's offering her a very large amount of money for this.

However, there are also NDAs involved. Some of the arrangements apparently have to remain completely confidential including certain things about what they buy, where they stay, etc. And apparently she wouldn’t even be allowed to tell me some of those details.

That last part is what makes me uncomfortable. I'm not worried that my wife is going to cheat on me. I genuinely trust her and I know her well. My concern is more about the situation itself and this man's intentions. He’s essentially asking my wife, whom he has only known for around six months, to travel internationally with him for six weeks, stay at his private home for two weeks, and keep certain details secret even from her husband all for a substantial amount of money.

Maybe I’m being overly cautious. Maybe this is completely normal in the high-l end art world and I’m simply unfamiliar with that side of it.

But my instinct is to tell my wife to reject the offer. Would you consider this a reasonable professional opportunity with normal confidentiality requirements, or would you also find the whole arrangement a bit strange and uncomfortable?

Your wife posted about this here a few weeks ago. Look for the thread, it might give you answers. That's assuming you are not the same person working on a project looking at the different responses about the same issues depending on the sex of the poster....

It’s all very odd. Are you sure she’s not in the special forces or MI6?

The idea that this person is so special that their own husband can’t know where they are and they literally disappear for six weeks is utterly absurd. Does she find this absurd? Does she want this? Is it worth being isolated from her family for six weeks every year? Even if it were Elon Musk, surely she should be able to say where she is physically even if details like what is bought are withheld.

Some of the NDA bit sounds like it may be reasonable. I've had to sign them and agree not to say who the client is or what we've been working on (not art related, so I can't comment on that side of it). If he's bidding on extremely expensive art, or trying to get other collectors to part with what they own, he won't want others to know what he's after (to ensure they don't get their first/push the price up), or risk theft. I don't know about not being able to tell people where she's staying. I mean, if she's in NY, is she not allowed to say she's in NY, or is it just the hotel? I'd want to understand why the concern about location (it might be something genuine to do with worries over theft, privacy etc).

The staying with him in his home I would think was weird if I didn't know someone who did the same thing. She works remotely for an extremely wealthy US person. For about 1 month a year (maybe two separate months in two trips sometimes), she goes to the US and stays in his massive house so they can ensure the business is on track. She says she has a whole section just to herself (bedroom, bathroom, living room) and they only meet to do business.

The client obviously trusts your wife and feels she's good enough at her job to help him. I wouldn't find that in itself suspicious. I wouldn't assume she'd have an affair, unless you had other concerns about your marriage. I would worry about the safety aspect of not being allowed to tell anyone where she was. If she's not allowed to divulge the location, can she at least call you every morning and night, so you know she's safe?

You'd be unreasonable to TELL your wife to reject a lucrative and what may be a wonderful offer that's fantastic for her career (not to mention financially). You would not be unreasonable to raise concerns and talk with her about how to manage them.

I’m single and can have sex with whoever I want

But no way would I stay at some random man’s house for weeks!!!

Why is she even entertaining this?

Fair enough go travelling… but she needs to stay in her own accommodation!

Me too. Scratching my head trying to think where...

The staying with him in his home I would think was weird if I didn't know someone who did the same thing. She works remotely for an extremely wealthy US person. For about 1 month a year (maybe two separate months in two trips sometimes), she goes to the US and stays in his massive house so they can ensure the business is on track. She says she has a whole section just to herself (bedroom, bathroom, living room) and they only meet to do business.

@C152

Sound like it may be the same person.

Why does your friend not stay in a nearby hotel?
If they only meet to do business then why does she need to stay there 24/7?

It sounds like the start of a thriller novel!

But I wouldn’t sign such an agreement - way too dodgy and I’d expect my husband to care enough about me to strongly advise me not to go.

The nda is normal for reasons posted up thread. And it’s not unheard of to stay in a clients house, I assume he’s buying for the house so she’ll immerse herself in what the space is like, the light etc. I know a high end interior designer who works like this.

Not being able to contact you is unusual.

Let's be honest, most people on this forum will have no idea whether this sort of arrangement in wealthy circles is normal or not.

But... just as an outsider looking at it, I would absolutely not be ok with it. It just sound exploitative as fuck.

I think it’s more about what your wife wants to do and whether you trust that!

Ask to be brought into the nda. You can’t talk with anyone else sbout, but you and your wife are free to discuss. If both of you feel comfortable with her traveling with a stranger, that is

I've been travelling for work for decades and my long term partner never has any idea where I am as he's not in the slightest bit interested. Show me the money!

You don’t TELL your wife to do or not do anything.
You can express your concerns to her and let her decide either how to mitigate them or whether to refuse the offer.

I don’t know anything about the art world so can’t comment on if it’s normal. But I do feel like people get this sort of job in films and tv shows. I think it comes down to whether you trust them or not.

Yeah completely normal, we all do it all the time 🙄

But my instinct is to tell my wife to reject the offer. Fastest way to make me do something is to tell me not to do it! Yeah I know, "I didn't mean it like that" - yes you did. You can ask her not to but she doesn't have to come to heel when you instruct her to.

There are no nearby hotels. Being filthy rich, he can choose to live in the middle of nowhere!

I have no idea what they discuss. She has explained it, but it's rather boring, so I didn't store the info away. I guess it's hard to be a hermit and run a global business successfully if you never actually see anyone. Why do other companies have away days? I guess I've just known enough people with unusual working arrangements to not necessarily see this as odd.

As a female, I would be concerned about my safety

The nda arrangement is far too ott. Even if it were Elon musk, who gives a shiny shit about what artwork he buys? And loads of staff must know where he lives and what country he is in so it all sounds rather far fetched.

Not normal nor acceptable in the high end art world.

Are you the same poster who was offered a job in the US and whose high-level art world wife wanted him to refuse it because she travels a lot for work?

Are you talking about trust...what she might get up to....or safety...that she might be getting into something unsafe?
I know nothing about the art world but my late DH had to sign the Official Secrets Act. Before he did it he came home to discuss it with me and made claer that he would know things that he could never tell me, could never tell me that there was anything to tell me and it might involve him going away for short trips without notice and not being able to tell me where he was going or be able to contact me or I him while he was away although I would be given an emergency contact number which would mean I could get a message to him.
I know it sounds like a badly written novel..... This was in the age where the only mobile phones were wired in car phones so I must admit there was less communication expected.

It wasn't the same for me because it would be likely to be for shorter periods or might not happen at all, which it never did.
He did sign it. I had no worries about trust but I must admit I did worry about his safety.

I don't see how you can stop your wife doing it if she wants to and it does seem a bit of an elaborate story if she just wants to be unfaithful.

If your wife does go ahead with this (and I think there are real dangers), please insist that you two will speak daily and pre-arrange a code word with your wife that she can bring up in her convos with you, whereby no one else will know that it means "help!" It should be something that you would not normally talk about and that will not arouse suspicion in those around her. For instance, if you have a dog or cat at home, she can ask "How's Ariosto?" even though the dog/cat is really called something else.

I think an NDA can be in place that protects his interests. But he cannot deprive her liberty in another ways - restricting number of phone calls, mechanisms of contact, removing choice etc. that’s a no go and may not be legal.

for her own safety she needs an independent itinerary of travel and accommodation where she meets with him in his capacity as a client.

She needs contractual freedom to leave at any time, and the means to do so.

she should not be compelled to keep unnecessary information secret if it compromises her independence and safety.

overall if the terms and conditions are right and it’s not an uncommon practice in her field then it could be an opportunity but it must be one she retains control over.

Agreed, also seen it on here before

She's 44 and wants to do it then I think you have your answer.

Not all women are feeble and she is happy about the situation then you should support her.