Was this really a friendship dealbreaker?

[PaddockPass]

Another friendship thread, I'm afraid, but I think both people involved could use some perspective please!

First time posting and trying not to be outing, but potentially throwing a match on a car crash here!

Best friends for over 30 years. Extremely close, despite not living near one another. Basically family at this point.

They share a special interest and go to see live events together whenever practical. Friend A is diagnosed neurodivergent, Friend B suspects they are, so it very much is a special interest for them both, which is relevant. For the purposes of this, let's say motorsport.

They tried to arrange dates for some upcoming races together, which was a logistical nightmare given their different family commitments, but they had several provisional dates in mind ahead of tickets going on sale.

Friend A mentioned they also intended to try to get tickets to one additional race to attend separately with their teenage son, as this is something Friend A had wanted to do for a long time.

To be clear, this wasn't proposed as instead of attending races with Friend B. Friend A was considering going with their son on a date that Friend B could not attend, due to prior commitments.

Friend A still wanted to go to several races with Friend B, as normal.

Friend B said that they would consider Friend A attending a race without them a friendship dealbreaker and told Friend A not to book tickets to go with their son.

Friend A said that they valued the friendship enormously, but also felt they should be able to experience a race with their son.

No more was said about it and the friends continued to plan their trips together.

When tickets went on sale, they successfully booked tickets to a couple of races on dates that were mutually convenient.

Each friend had booked and paid for one of the races they planned to attend together and were excited to go.

Afterwards, Friend A managed to get tickets for the additional race with their son and, wanting to be honest with Friend B, told them.

Friend B was extremely upset and told Friend A that they hated them. Friend A apologised for Friend B being hurt, but would not apologise for wanting to have this experience with their son.

Friend B effectively ended the friendship on the spot and there has been no contact since. This was months ago.

To avoid dripfeeding, historically the friends have always exclusively gone to these events together, with the exception of when Friend B's father has joined them several times (he is in a wheelchair now and unfortunately unable to go anymore).

Both friends have teenagers who have expressed an interest in going over the years. Friend A has made attempts in the past to include them, but Friend B has always maintained that they prefer that the races remain something the two friends do exclusively together.

So now both of the friends own a set of tickets to upcoming races that they had intended to see together and a 30 year friendship seems to have ended quite abruptly!

Who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here?

Was Friend B right to be upset with Friend A for crossing a line, as the races were their thing?

Or was Friend A right to want to share a special interest with their son, whilst continuing the friendship tradition?

And given that Friend B had explicitly said beforehand that this would be a friendship dealbreaker, was Friend A unreasonable to go ahead anyway?

Does either friend owe the other an apology in order to save a 30 year friendship, or should both accept that there is no coming back from this?

Hopefully that all made sense!

For voting purposes:

YANBU = Agree with Friend A (you should be able to see a race with your son separately)

YABU = Agree with Friend B (the races were special to the friendship and you have effectively chosen your son over me)

You're not being unreasonable at all OP and if it was me I'd have told her as well. You're not "stirring the pot" in the slightest it's simply a case of being upfront and honest. By not telling her you'd effectively feel guilty and like you're harbouring a dirty secret. Well done on not allowing her to control you.

I would presume friend B is having a mental break.

I've started losing perspective on whether I should simply have accepted that this particular interest belonged exclusively to our friendship and kept it that way to keep Friend B happy.

This is just a way of being held hostage, and controlled by someone else's unreasonable emotional reactions. No. Don't doubt your reality, you're completely reasonable. You sound like a loyal friend, but this B behaviour is completely and wildly out of order.

And I really hope it's ferret racing.

My ds 17 has undiagnosed asd . He would absolutely behave as friend b has. In fact he did end a great friendship where he felt his mate has chosen an outing with his gf over doing something with ds. Can't remember the exact details but friend was definitely not wrong.

In ds's eyes he had chosen the of over his best mate. Him.

Similarly I had a 5 year friendship with an asd woman. I wasn't available one day and sent her a short
Sorry I can't make it tomorrow..(I had actually disastrous news and cba to text anything more than that .
Nearly 3 years ago.

Not a peep since.

Def not implying asd =bad friend but ds struggles to navigate friendships/even family relationships at times.

Friend B is weird and a control freak. In Friend A's position, I wouldn't even want to restore the friendship after that episode.

Obviously it's fine to spend time with your son at a race, regardless of what you then do with your fotmer friend.

YABU to let it take up so much headspace months on. You held your boundary, now move on. This is her issue not yours.

Friend b is being very controlling and some space is a very good idea.

Friend B is out of order. It's completely understandable for Friend B to feel disappointed they can't go but it is absolutely not ok for them to tell Friend A they can't go.

People cannot gatekeep hobbies or public events, therefore Friend B is in the wrong. If you are Friend A, I would see this as a good sign that now you are able to fully immerse yourself in attending the events with your keen teenager.

Life is too short to spend it with petulant adults.

Friend B is a loon. Go and have fun with your son. Sad end of the friendship but that’s not your doing.

I could only be bothered to read the first few paragraphs of this post.
I have never read anything so absolutely ridiculous
People need to grow up !!!!

Its actually pathetic.

Friend B is a dick. You dont gatekeep joy. Id have had some sympathy if it had been seeing it with the son INSTEAD of the friend but it isnt.

Friend B was also happy to include their dad.

I wouldnt crawl to a friend determined to be angry with me because i refused to be controlled by them. And I wouldnt hurt my son by excluding him from my hobby

Tbh not sure if Friend B did it to me I wouldnt just think the trash took itself out

Friend B is a lunatic. What a controlling monster.

I suspect this is the first time youve fallen out because its the first time you havent done as youre told?!?

You dont owe her onedience? She doesnt own "niche activity" and shes hurt you want to bond with your son? Do you hear how manipulative and nasty that is?

You didn't sack her off, you didnt refuse to go with her, youve in 30 years refused to enjoy your hobby with anyone but her. She can feel however she feels, but it isnt reasonable to punish you because of it.

Look at it this way, you unintentionally hurt her because you love your son, hes interested and you want to share your hobby with him. And shes responded by hurting you on purpose.

Shed rather lose your friendship than see you enjoy this hobby with your child. It says how little you matter to her.

I agree with everything that PP have said about Friend B being wildly unreasonable- especially when she used to bring her dad along!

Please don’t doubt yourself OP, you’re not remotely in the wrong here.

However what sticks out to me is that you’re sad about the loss of your friendship. What would you like to do about that?

You could do nothing and see if they get in touch, but it sounds as if that ship may have sailed. Do you think you could come to terms with not having this person in your life any more, forever, without trying to reconcile?

Or

You could send them a message, offering an olive branch. No apology because you aren’t in the wrong. Maybe something like you miss their friendship, it’s a shame to fall out over something inconsequential, and that if they ever feel as if they want to get in touch you’d love to hear from them. The only trouble with this approach is do you think you have it in you to return to a friendship where they’ve punished you unfairly? I don’t know that I could.

I’m AuDHD so I understand the complexities of navigating friendships in the ND world 😂 12 years ago my best friend treated me horribly and I knew there was no way back. It took me a long time to get over it but it was the right decision (what she said was unforgivable). I sometimes still feel a bit sad about it but I don’t regret it.

As a society we don’t really recognise the grief that comes from a lost friendship but it’s just as painful as a romantic split.

Only you know what would be the right move. But if you reach out while harbouring a lot of secret resentment, it will do more harm than good in the long term. Maybe have a think about what feels right for you 💐

100% this, with bells on!

@PaddockPass

This.

A - maybe shouldn’t have told B given knowing how they felt about it, but also respect the wanting to be open and honest about it too. True friend move there.

B - an absolute controlling, insecure, unreasonable, twat!! Who also has the double stand aspect of their dad going previously!! (Now, maybe they’re secretly glad dad now can’t go, but still).

Sorry for the loss, A. That is going to hurt. However, if there’s a pattern of you usually backing down, I suspect B wasn’t really much of a friend, but we can still grieve what we did gain from the friendship/connection.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. I hope you still get to enjoy your niche interest.

Are you likely to bump into B, or are they busy enough they should be well hidden/diluted?

Good for you holding your boundary too!

Ridiculous and if I was friend A I wouldn’t have told friend B!

Friend B is a nightmare - could not be bothered with a friend like that.

Imagine saying "You can't do this activity with your son because that's what we do" and thinking you're in the right.

I can only assume the 7% who agree with your 'friend' accidentally selected the wrong option for the poll (tbh I misread it at first).

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I didn't go out of my way to paint Friend B as a villain and certainly don't think they are one. They really have been the most brilliant friend and one bad day where we both were extremely hurt doesn't undo that.

I don't think the issue was necessarily taking my son, but going without them, which I do understand to an extent.

I think there's been a real mismatch and lack of understanding about what these races have meant to us individually, in the context of our friendship.

I appreciate how ridiculous I must come across in my posts.

The truth is, I have a lot on my plate right now personally and haven't told a soul.

Losing my best friend over something so seemingly trivial, when I arguably need them the most, couldn't have come at a worse time and has left me utterly heartbroken.

It is what it is.

Thank you for the kind words, the not so kind words (some were outrageous and made me laugh), for giving me an outlet and some much needed perspective.

I think I'll focus on my son right now and creating new experiences with them, whilst I'm in a position to do so.

I am going to look into ferret racing as a previous poster suggested, because that sounds amazing!

Have a good weekend, everyone.🙂

So Friend B said it is something they can only do exclusively together (which in itself in batshit) but brings their father along when it suits?

😆… Easy one… YANBU.

This, so B can change the rigid rules, but you go to something with your son and this is their nuclear response?
she doesn’t actually sound that nice!

Friend B isn’t a friend

agree with this, the friendship probably lasted so long without issues because you got into the habit of B's feelings always being prioritised.