Was this really a friendship dealbreaker?

[PaddockPass]

Another friendship thread, I'm afraid, but I think both people involved could use some perspective please!

First time posting and trying not to be outing, but potentially throwing a match on a car crash here!

Best friends for over 30 years. Extremely close, despite not living near one another. Basically family at this point.

They share a special interest and go to see live events together whenever practical. Friend A is diagnosed neurodivergent, Friend B suspects they are, so it very much is a special interest for them both, which is relevant. For the purposes of this, let's say motorsport.

They tried to arrange dates for some upcoming races together, which was a logistical nightmare given their different family commitments, but they had several provisional dates in mind ahead of tickets going on sale.

Friend A mentioned they also intended to try to get tickets to one additional race to attend separately with their teenage son, as this is something Friend A had wanted to do for a long time.

To be clear, this wasn't proposed as instead of attending races with Friend B. Friend A was considering going with their son on a date that Friend B could not attend, due to prior commitments.

Friend A still wanted to go to several races with Friend B, as normal.

Friend B said that they would consider Friend A attending a race without them a friendship dealbreaker and told Friend A not to book tickets to go with their son.

Friend A said that they valued the friendship enormously, but also felt they should be able to experience a race with their son.

No more was said about it and the friends continued to plan their trips together.

When tickets went on sale, they successfully booked tickets to a couple of races on dates that were mutually convenient.

Each friend had booked and paid for one of the races they planned to attend together and were excited to go.

Afterwards, Friend A managed to get tickets for the additional race with their son and, wanting to be honest with Friend B, told them.

Friend B was extremely upset and told Friend A that they hated them. Friend A apologised for Friend B being hurt, but would not apologise for wanting to have this experience with their son.

Friend B effectively ended the friendship on the spot and there has been no contact since. This was months ago.

To avoid dripfeeding, historically the friends have always exclusively gone to these events together, with the exception of when Friend B's father has joined them several times (he is in a wheelchair now and unfortunately unable to go anymore).

Both friends have teenagers who have expressed an interest in going over the years. Friend A has made attempts in the past to include them, but Friend B has always maintained that they prefer that the races remain something the two friends do exclusively together.

So now both of the friends own a set of tickets to upcoming races that they had intended to see together and a 30 year friendship seems to have ended quite abruptly!

Who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here?

Was Friend B right to be upset with Friend A for crossing a line, as the races were their thing?

Or was Friend A right to want to share a special interest with their son, whilst continuing the friendship tradition?

And given that Friend B had explicitly said beforehand that this would be a friendship dealbreaker, was Friend A unreasonable to go ahead anyway?

Does either friend owe the other an apology in order to save a 30 year friendship, or should both accept that there is no coming back from this?

Hopefully that all made sense!

For voting purposes:

YANBU = Agree with Friend A (you should be able to see a race with your son separately)

YABU = Agree with Friend B (the races were special to the friendship and you have effectively chosen your son over me)

Friend B is unreasonable.

I'm ND and can guess how B's thoughts may have spiraled into seeing it as a rejection, but that's for B to accept or seek strategies to cope with. It doesn't give her a right to dictate what A does with her son.

Friend B is controlling and I would suspect there's been other situations that haven't escalated quite like this that friend A has smoothed over or been the bigger person about.
Because that level of control and craziness doesn't come out of nowhere!
Friend A consider yourself free.

I felt that A Brief History of Time was too long and complicated, so guess what.... I didn't read it.

If you feel incapable of following the OP it's nothing to be ashamed of, but to actively complain about it is ridiculous. Are we all obliged to tailor out posts to your level of comprehension when we don't even know you exist?

Are you friend B??

Tailor our posts!

Any thoughts on the responses here @PaddockPass?

This is an absolutely ridiculous thing to lose a 30 year friendship over! Friend B is acting like a 5 year old!
However, if this friend is important to you, regardless of who is in the wrong- try and do what you can to heal the rift before it escalates further. I lost my friendship with my best friend of 20 years a few years back and it has been like a bereavement. Five years on, I still miss her terribly. If I could go back in time, give her head a wobble and try and fix things, I would do it in a heartbeat.

‘Friend B said that they would consider Friend A attending a race without them a friendship dealbreaker and told Friend A not to book tickets to go with their son.’

I’d have been on my way out at this point; I couldn’t remain friends with someone who tried to tell me what I could or couldn’t do in my own time and with my own money.

Given the lack of response by OP, I'm wondering if they are actually friend B?

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I've been reading them, although I didn't want to jump in too quickly, because I genuinely wanted people's perspectives rather than to argue one side over the other!

I'm a shift worker, so I apologise for not having the time to reply to individual posts.

No, this isn't about motorsport, but the actual events are very niche and would be completely outing.

For those wondering, I am Friend A.

I completely understand why Friend B was hurt and I don't dismiss that at all. I knew before booking the additional race with my son that they would be upset, which is partly why I've been questioning whether I was unreasonable to go ahead and do it anyway.

Thinking about another poster's comment, Friend B has tended to take the lead on things over the years and likes to be in control. Despite my neurodivergence, I've become quite good at accepting this about Friend B, because in all other aspects they are a wonderful person.

I suppose where I've been struggling is that whilst I can accept that my decision hurt someone I love very much, I still don't feel that wanting to share the experience separately with my son was actually wrong.

I respected that Friend B didn't want to change the dynamics of the two of us seeing the races together, which is why I deliberately chose a separate date to take my son that Friend B was never going to attend in the first place.

The friendship ending has been incredibly upsetting and I miss Friend B terribly. I am lucky to have several good friends, but Friend B was undoubtedly my best friend.

But I think even if we both apologised tomorrow, I would struggle to get past the knowledge that they effectively wanted me to choose between my son and the friendship. I am also very sensitive to rejection and would find it extremely difficult to trust Friend B in the same way after they were so quick to tell me they hated me and cut me off.

Having said that, this genuinely was our first major falling out in over 30 years, so I'm not looking to paint them as a terrible or controlling person based on one incident. They're someone I love and who has been an enormous part of my life.

I think I posted, because enough time has passed with no contact that I've started losing perspective on whether I should simply have accepted that this particular interest belonged exclusively to our friendship and kept it that way to keep Friend B happy.

The status quo has always been for me to back down on things, but I feel strongly about doing this with my son and won't be cancelling my plans with him.

In terms of the other tickets we booked, we both have a while to figure it out.

Part of me hopes that Friend B decides to take their eldest along to the race they have booked. I wouldn't want Friend B to miss out and know how much their eldest would enjoy it.

I will probably try and sell on the other pair I own or, if not, cut my losses. It's quite tricky to book time off of work and I would rather take a longer period off to spend with my son, than two shorter breaks that would feel quite rushed.

I've found the responses on here really helpful, including from those that have tried to explain how Friend B may have experienced it, so thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I'll keep checking back, when work permits, but my shift is about to begin, so forgive me for not being active on here.

Also meant to vote YANBU that’s bonkers!
of course you should be able to take your son anytime you want but even more so if she couldn’t attend on that date anyway!

But why tell them.. that seemed a bit weird, like you wanted to stir the pot and create drama.

Friend B is obviously wrong. I could be unkind with my language, but as they are neurodivergent I can only assume that they have built up an inflexibility about this activity - it's black-and-white, exclusive to Friend A and B - and the introduction of the son to the shared past-time makes it 'grey'.

It's not worth a 30 year friendship, of course, and you'd need to talk it out. However, if friend B has ASC then they might not be able to shake their fixed mindset and see that like love, something shared between people does not give it to one at the expense of the other, but rather grows it.

And given that Friend B had explicitly said beforehand that this would be a friendship dealbreaker, was Friend A unreasonable to go ahead anyway?
And just in response to this, no, because the demand itself was unreasonable. It would be like saying a hostage dying was your fault because you didn't accede to the demands of the terrorist.

Friend B is batshit and even if she does reach out to reconcile the friendship would never be the same for me.

Friend B sounds mad as a lorry, frankly

Is it hockey? Go enjoy the game with your son, it’s soooo hard to get tickets!

YABU for the whole Friend A / Friend B rigamarole when it’s perfectly obvious who you are. YA also BU to put your questions in a different order to the poll as people keep voting for the wrong one.

YANBU to want to take your son to your interest. Your ex-friend is controlling.

Friend A knows that B will be offended and the friendship will be over if she goes with son. Decides the best plan is to tell the friend that they are going with son. Erm why? B would never know if they weren't told.

So A is idiotic for telling B she's going seperately. B is idiotic for trying to allege the hobby cannot be enjoyed unless both parties are present.

Friend b is being completely unreasonable. Friend a was actually being really accommodating I think to protect the one on one time friend an and b have together enjoying their hobby. What difference does it make if friend an attends a race with their son on a date friend b could never have done anyway?! What a sad reason for such a long friendship to come to an end.

I meant to tick you are NOT being unreasonable. Friend B is V, V unreasonable.

B is not a friend! They are controlling and quite frankly abusive with their expectation that they get to dictate your life!