Pregnant with my ex's baby, he thinks I'm trying to trap him

[danabre]

I'm 29, a model and also work as a manager for an MNC. I've been modelling since I was 16, and between both jobs I make around €120k a year. Financially, I'm completely independent and comfortable. I'm mentioning that because it becomes relevant later.

I was with my ex for 8 years. He's 27, comes from a very wealthy family, and honestly... he's an asshole 😂. Not necessarily a cruel person, but definitely a man-child. Despite that, our relationship was genuinely good for most of those years. There were problems, obviously, but I loved him very deeply and, sadly, I still do.

For the last four years we lived together. I always contributed 50/50 financially rent, bills, holidays, everything. I never depended on his money. A few months ago, I finally asked him about the future. I basically said, "Where is this going? Where's the ring? I want to get married and settle down."

I genuinely thought we were on the same page. Apparently not. He told me he doesn't want to get married anytime soon, at least not for another five years. Iwas honestly like... WHAT? By then I'd be 33–34. I've always wanted children, and I don't want to wait indefinitely hoping a man will eventually decide he's ready.

We had a horrible argument after that. He started becoming distant, stopped answering my calls and generally became much less available. I eventually realised he was probably trying to end the relationship without actually saying it.

Then, about a week ago, I found out I'm pregnant. He's the father. He's been my only sexual partner. This isn't actually the first pregnancy we've had together. I became pregnant once before, several years ago, but we weren't ready and I chose to have an abortion. This time feels completely different.

I'm 29. I'm financially secure. I have a stable career, my own income and a support network. And, most importantly, I want this baby. I called him because obviously he deserved to know that he was going to become a father. His response? He accused me of trying to trap him into marrying me.
I honestly couldn't believe it..I'm not trying to marry this man. At this point, I don't even want to marry him. I was literally just telling the father of my baby that he was going to be a father.

I told him I intend to have the baby and that I will raise the child whether he's involved or not. And yes, I know people will judge me.
I'm expecting comments saying I'm keeping the baby because I secretly want him back, or because I want his family's money, or because I think having his baby will force him to marry me.

No. I love him. That's unfortunately still true. But I don't want to spend my life trying to convince someone to choose me. I want my baby. I'm also not naïve about the situation. I don't know whether having a child without an involved father is the ideal situation. Obviously I'd have preferred my child to have two loving, involved parents. But I can't make him want that.

If he chooses not to be involved during the pregnancy or the baby's early life, that's his decision. I will concentrate on being the best mother I can be. What worries me is what happens later. Suppose he disappears now. He doesn't attend appointments, doesn't support me during pregnancy, doesn't meet the baby, doesn't establish any relationship with them. Then two, three or five years from now he suddenly turns up and says:
"I've changed my mind. I want to be a father. I want 50/50 custody. I want to co-parent."

I don't think I'd be comfortable with that.
I don't want someone to be able to disappear during the difficult parts and then suddenly demand equal involvement when the child is older and things are easier. I'm living in Madrid, although I'm half Spanish and half Dutch, and the father is also based here.

I personally dont think it’s fair to have a baby when one parent doesn’t want that child.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, just leave him be and focus on you and your baby. You can’t make him be involved and honestly it’s easier for everyone if he’s not compared to him being difficult. I would ensure you locate to where you want to raise your child before it’s born as he will be able to prevent you moving (within countries and certainly to other countries) if he wants to.

P.s. I was a lone parent and my DS is the most wonderful thing in the world, I wouldn’t change him for the world and the fact his dad isn’t in his life is deeply sad but doesn’t prevent him having a fantastic life. You sound like you can easily provide for your child and I would focus on the child and not the idiot who wants to be a sperm donor but not a father.

You just need to focus on now. I wouldnt pursue a relationship with him even if he's offering one. Id keep things as civil as possible. Id only communicate via text.

Its up to you if you want to invite him to scans or not. Ultimately, they are your medical procedures.

If he wants to be involved great. If not 🤷‍♀️. You cant worry about 3 years down the road. No one is going to give him 50: 50 from nothing. He'd need to build up to it.

On another note. Id give them baby your surname. You arent married or in a relationship.

You might get lucky and he’ll just disappear and have nothing to do with his child; or he might decide to stay just involved enough to control and restrict enough elements of your life through sharing a child, without being much of a real co-parent. You won’t get to choose which, so getting comfortable with the idea of the latter is something you’ll need to really think about. You want the baby, so just try and look at his you might take each step as it came.

You’re able to do this alone financially, and of course you don’t have name him on the birth certificate, which I think may help if you didn’t want him involved (but someone will no doubt tell you either way how that actually works).

I think 2 parents are important, totally appreciate this is just my view, based on conversations with friends who only had Mum around mostly when growing up.

I think only you know how it would work, so only you can make a decision. It’s not easy bringing a child into this world, even with a supportive partner. Although if he’s acting like this now, then you’d be better off on your own from day one, rather than him letting you and your child down.

Does he automatically gain rights when the baby is born under Spanish Law or would you have to do anything to give those to him? Could it be better to give birth in the Netherlands as a result?

You don't want to find him exerting control over where you live, where you work, where your child attends school, etc, for the next 18 years, so find out the legal positions in each country now.

That last line is Sweet, whatever I'm happy

You don’t need him. Focus on you and your baby. Best of luck.

You’ve got the funds. You want the baby. You’re happy to do it alone.

Fine. Probably don’t marry him though even if he offers as you “baby trapping” him will
always be his thing. Just be a happy single mum and he can be whatever type of dad he can be bothered to be.

If he won’t go with you to register the birth, you can’t put him on the birth certificate. He then, pretty much, loses his rights.

Very sad start all around.
I think OP's partner deserves a say and frank discussion needed.
Babies do better with 2 parents and there are distinct disadvantages for all in single parenthood.
Just because OP can financially afford a baby in itself doesn't make it OK.

Well, yes he may come back wanting to be involved. That kind of thing would make me not want to choose to be a single parent with a bloke in the background. It's worth considering. Don't have a baby if you aren't prepared for that to happen.
Presumably your income is going to drop significantly while you're pregnant and the baby is little. Also worth thinking about.
A lot to consider. Not sure I'd do it.

This. Some of the posters on here are advising you based on U.K. law which may differ from Spain’s. You may need to think about having the baby in the country you intend to be living in long-term.

Well then he can step up and parent the child.

The ops decided she doesn’t want an abortion and there is no seemingly good reason for her to have one other than he might not want the child.

The ops decided can do it alone. No mental health issues. No immigration issues or anything. Has a job and stable life. No other children to worry about the effects on.

Really? Read some of the posts on MN about husbands/fathers and you might change your mind about that!

Years ago, I would have agreed with you, but then my DP became terminally ill and died while our child was still in infant school, so I ended up a lone parent unintentionally. There are definitely worse things in life.

There are things to take into consideration, though - the impact on your finances and whether either or both careers will be viable, not only with a baby (the nursery years are incredibly easy), but once you have a school aged child; whether you have other support, how you will navigate things if your ex suddenly wants input or his parents want access.

Exciting. You'll be responsible for the baby and it's life without a man interfering. It's lucky you're financially stable so the baby will get everything that other children get. Well done, have fun, and enjoy your new life 😁