AIBU to think our 22 yo son is being slightly mad turning down a free London flat?

[BeNeatCat]

DS is 22 and has finally got his first proper job in London and we are absolutely thrilled for him. He graduated from the University of Edinburgh with a first in Economics last year and came home afterwards. We live in a village and while looking for work he worked at the local farm shop and tutored A-level students.

We didn't charge him rent. He helps around the house and it's actually been really lovely having him home. He says he genuinely missed the village when he was at university the peace and quiet, being able to get back into reading and cycling, and having time with our four dogs.

He's also managed to save about £16k since graduating so it's not as though he's been sitting around spending everything he earns. He's actually been very sensible financially.
He's now got a London job on £38k which we're very chuffed about. That’s a very good wage for a 22 year old newly grad.

DH and I have a two bedroom flat in Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. We’ve been renting for a while and the tenants have since bought a house now so they’ve moved out. We have had it on short term let as it’s been summer time so lots of tourists have been eager, it’s had a new group of people every other week or so since May it’s been quite hard for us to keep up with to be honest as this was our first time doing short term let’s seems as though the market in London is good. We've offered the flat to our son him and a friend completely rent-free. They would only have to pay the bills.
And he's said no.Because he wants to live with THREE of his mates. They’re currently searching and have been going to views for a 4 bed.

I have told him he's being ridiculous. He is 22, starting his first job on £38k, and we've basically handed him free accommodation in London. He could live there, pay the bills, continue saving and potentially build up a very decent pot of money over the next few years.Instead, he wants to rent a house with four friends because he wants the experience of living with them. I get it. I lived with 5 other girls (friends I made at uni) in London after university and throughly enjoy it they’re still my closest friends. And this is where I am conflicted because, if I'm being completely honest, I do understand it but also the economy is different to when I was 22

He's had a very nice year at home. He's saved £16k, had a peaceful year in the village, read, cycled, spent time with the dogs and generally enjoyed being at home. He isn't desperate to leave because he hates being here. He said he was slightly sad (albeit happy) about getting the job because he’s enjoyed being in a village his mind could finally think (his words) He does want to go and have the experience of being 22 and living in London with his mates.

DH thinks we should leave him to it. He's an adult, he's earning a decent salary, he's saved a good amount already and he's allowed to prioritise having fun and living with his friends over maximising his savings.
And I know he's right.

But I can't help thinking that a free two-bedroom flat in Hammersmith and Fulham that is fully paid for and his parents own is the sort of offer you don't turn down lightly at 22!

At the same time, perhaps I'm looking at it entirely through the lens of being his parent. I'm thinking about deposits, investments and financial security. He's thinking about having his four best friends round for dinner, going to the pub after work and coming home to a house full of people his own age.
He's not asking us to subsidise a lavish lifestyle either. He has £16k saved, a £38k salary and presumably will be perfectly capable of paying his own rent. He just doesn't want the financially optimal option.
And perhaps that's the point. He can afford to make the choice he actually wants.
So AIBU to think he's mad?Would you take the free London flat and save like mad for the next few years or would you pay rent to live with four of your best friends at 22 because you only get to be 22 once?
I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm confusing “financially sensible” with “the right choice for him”.

Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.

I know lots of families in this position. And in every single one, the young person has wanted to live out with their friends in a rubbish flat in a grotty area! And that is absolutely how it should be. Young people want to live with their friends in an ex-council flatshare in Finsbury Park rather than in a beautiful flat in leafy Hampstead. Good for them I say.

I can see where he is coming from (although Aldo see your point).

You are all in a very good situation, it can work for everyone.

let him rent with him friends. Rent your flat out again (longer term basis for ease). Earmark a portion of the rental profit for him. Put it in an account earmarked for a property purchase for him down the line.

More insulting to me and my colleague who did theirs on comedy insults himself too regarding this. I was in my 20s it was a good opportunity and I took it. It’s not everyday you get the chance to do that and research sometime niche.

I’m not saying everyone that has a PhD isn’t academic. I am saying I AM NOT an academic my research was certainly not academic most people would laugh at mine and most have it’s always a topic of conversation I’ve even had people say “they let you do that” I am not a scientist or anything even close to that. Aren’t the tories or reform (can’t keep up whoever) now saying some degrees are Mickey Mouse, my undergraduate degree has since been listed in that category I am not bothered I’m in my 50s it doesn’t matter to me anymore I am not savings lives and I did not research anything of any importance or of value to majority of people. This is me speaking about my own work not tarnishing PhDs as a whole.

Dunno. Easy come easy go, I guess.

Yes, if you look at purely from the financials, it makes no sense.

However, he went to uni, got used to that freedom, came home for a few months while looking for work and probably wants to fly the nest and live in London on his own terms. While offering the flat rent free is a very generous offer, he may well be looking past that financial incentive - especially given his £16k savings and a £38k graduate role. He may be deciding he wants to experience things without having his parents as his de facto landlords, which in some way, would be an extension of his pre-uni self. It's about exerting self-determination.

Perhaps he's done a benefit cost analysis of:

having a different landlord, that permits some form of emotional freedom to enjoy his young adult life in London, free of a familial sense of obligation / potentially feeling pseudo-parentified via the arrangement.

versus

the insane (shared) renting costs of London??.

Seems to be a common occurrence. A friend of ours has a flat in Reading her son refused to live rent free there and moved to London instead. This situation is slightly different because Reading is quite far despite the Elizabeth line. From the update he seems to be enjoying London with his friends they live in Clapham that seems to be the working professional area as our son has looked at 3 places there. I’ll always support what he wants to do it is his life at the end of the day I was just shocked.

Life isn't a cost-saving exercise, life is for living.
Your son, very fortunately, has savings and a decent starting salary so allow him time to be young, free and single.
If he had no savings and a dead-end job, of course he would be mad. But if he continues on his current career trajectory, he will Have plenty of money. He doesn't need to rush. Renting with friends is FUN.

There are some quite nasty comments on here, which i can only assume is down to jealousy. It's OP its great you hqve been able to offer this. I agree with aome posters and your husband that is time to step away. He is an adult and has made a decision and needs to have the consequences good and bad. I totally disagree that you could give him the rental income. You offered him a great deal, he didnt want it, therefore he needs to sort it. You may want to have a safety net on the background but dont swoop in too quickly.

I think you need to see if from your sons point of view. This isn't about a safe and lucrative journey into adulthood. This is about living in a new city with his friends and having fun. I don't know where your flat is but if he's even a 10 minutes walk from a district line station in H&F and his friends choose to live somewhere like Hackney Wick that's could easily be a 90 minute journey each way. He will miss out on so much by not living with them.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it does sound like you are trying to make your son live there because it's what you want - to have your son in your fathers flat (which is a lovely thing to offer) because it's easy for you, rather than because it is what your son wants.

The flat is now a liability. It is going got start costing you money. Double council tax is due immediately, under H&F rules. Squatting is on the rise, and the longer you leave it empty the more you are at risk (it's just happened in a large shop 'the Italians' on the Chiswick High Road - and boy do they know their rights). Also flats deteriorate very quickly when empty.

You really have to decide what to do and stop seeing the flat as your father's flat, as it has been a rental for the last 10 years.

As you have rent it for 10 years you will be liable for a lot of CGT. So it might be best to hang on and see if a family member wants it in the future rather than selling for a low price and gifting a big chunk to the Treasury. Which means you need to rent it out. I'd take the multiple parental guarantees and a bit of mess from having students, over damage from children and pets and tenants losing their jobs and not paying the rent any day of the week.

If you can't get past that it is your father's flat then you need sell. Simple as that. I'm sure he'd be pleased as punch at saving his grandson money but I wonder if he'd be less than pleased if he knew living there wasn't what your son wanted.

My son moved last week to a flat in Clapham. There was a shooting in the building last month! That is where ‘everyone’ seems to be living and I hope he has the best time (and stays safe).

I wouldn’t rent it out and give him the income, as others have suggested. He needs to learn what real life is like, how awful landlords can be, the ups and downs of living a proper life with real financial responsibility. The flat will still be there, I’m guessing, when he’s 26, 27? Then he may be in more of a position to make an informed decision about what an insane privilege it is to have free accommodation in one of the most desirable cities in the world.

At 22 it's up to him. If you wanted, could you rent it out and save the money for him? So he is still effectively in the same financial situation, as in will have approx the same amount of money in a few years?
It's good and normal to want company. Relatively few people want to be alone at that age.

His choice. The things that matters to you at the age you are won't be the things that matter to him at 22. Hell, he may not even want the same things as you when he IS middle-aged. People are different.

Rent out the flat and put a percentage of the proceeds into an account that's for him, for a deposit when (if) the time comes. If he never needs or wants it, great, more for your retirement.

Been to Uni in Edinburgh which is not exactly a riotous place. He has expressed how much he is enjoying the quiter life at home after Edinburgh. Now he wants to do a 5 occupant share in London and working at the same time. Can't imagine his life being in the least bit quiet should he go for that. YANBU to me but let him go do what he wants. As the saying goes, you make your bed, you lie on it.

Before I answer OP, I need to know specifically your son's salary, age and the borough the flat is in. I don't think you've made that clear enough.

He's an idiot imo....
but I'm a millennial who had no "generational wealth" coming to save me.

Based on my experience of younger folks in my office...His response is very "Gen Z".
I find they often are weirdly inflexible with pedantic boundaries (i think its often kinda like talking to 70+ yo who is deeply entrenched in their ways)

Respect. I doff my (imaginary) hat to your son.
Congratulations on raising a man who is confident in himself and his choices.

The only feeling you should have is pride in himself, and your family (including yourself).

If you feel strongly about it. Rent the place out, and invest the income in to an investment so it can be a potential nest egg, if and when he needs it or when you want to gift it to him on a milestone life event.

Let him make his choices to suit himself. Your wishes can remain in a different way to support his choices.

He sounds like a great kid and you’ve done well to raise him like this. Let him be free and have the experience of living with mates. The flat is your responsibility and he doesn’t want it. Accept that and put it back on the lettings market.

Well done op on raising a well rounded young man. You have earned the right to be very proud. It is not a bad thing to actively choose to support children of any age whichever way you can rather than let them struggle. So many people (on here?) are jealous of anyone who has thoughtful, generous parents who prioritise their children.
Re the flat… he hasn’t put a foot wrong so far so trust him. Good idea to share rental income between the two siblings savings x