Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

She told her husband she wants to stop drinking, she told you she wanted a spa weekend. Which one of you is listening to her and supporting her?

It’s a very persistent reverse!

If you mean he "picks on" the ones who believe that it's only possible to "let your hair down" if you drink copious amount of booze and doesn't pick on the ones who have a more shall we say mature attitude to alcohol then that's hardly a shock, surely.

The thing that really stands out from your posts is that you are accusing her husband of being controlling when it actually looks like you are the one doing the controlling or at least trying to and, with the help of her husband, she has finally wised up to the fact that she no longer has to put up with it.

Should it not be a reverse, I imagine a large portion of the friend's therapy session is spent talking about the OP.

No way this is real

You really do need to grow up! Most adults have had a friend either change or cancel plans at some point for whatever reason. That's life. Get over it. At least your 'friend' has made sure you are not out of pocket, which was the decent thing to do. Move on.

Why can’t you have a chill weekend?? Why does it have to be all about what you want?
she doesn’t want to go out drinking so you could have done other things. You really do sound very selfish and very immature. I’m all up for a good time but I’d be listening to my friend too!

Come on now OP, this is a wind up. It's not last minute, and she's paid you back. Now in her forties, she's outgrown piss-ups. No surprise. Your prioritisation of alcohol makes me think you have a dependency. And she's trying to hold her marriage together which, as her so-called friend, you should be supporting her in. On top of that, her husband doesn't like you for the throw-away comment that you had an affair. Well guess what, if my other half wanted to go on a boozy weekend with a friend with a rep for shagging around I wouldn't be too delighted either. You're a selfish person with a possible alcohol addiction. Or you're a wind-up merchant. Either or.

You are very unreasonable and extremely unsupportive.

Friend has had a lucky escape.

I know right!!! I said this out loud and paused reading to groan loudly while rolling my eyes 👀. And every woman around 40 or 50 I meet also feels the need to fucking bring it up 🤢 - there is never even a reason to, it just comes out of nowhere!

Is this a social experiment to see if talking about something repeatedly can trigger it? I tell women immediately now that I find it triggering due to my age and not having children and that I appreciate them not discussing it around me 😂 (that isn't the reason but stops them from accusing me of being anti-feminist or something for not wanting or needing to know about their hot flashes and fucking mood swings - welcome to being a woman, since when is that new??).

OP, having thought about it some more and seeing your subsequent posts much as I think it's bad for her to let you down at the last minute, a few things leap out at me.

You say you feel she should proritise you her friend over a man. He's not any man, he is her husband and she should put her relationship with him above the one with you.

You say she did want a spa hotel break but you feel she needs to let her hair down........so you don't really care what she wants at all, you feel you know what is best for her.

She says she feels under attack.....probably every time you see her you nag her to leave her husband, because again, you know whats right for her, and know she deserves better.

You are not the boss of her. Stop being so forceful and let her have her own opinion. Sometimes people need to vent, and not be offered a solution. Just for someone to be there and listen, that's probably all she needs.

You're bulldozing her, and have no respect for what she actually wants.

I'm not quite sure I can see how getting shitfaced on a weekend is going to prepare anyone for their kids leaving the nest and going to uni, but that's probably just me.

Seen both sides of this one; my first husband chose to go out with his drinky friend and come back ratarsed. It did not make for a great life - for either of us, come to that, as they're both dead. And I've been the one going out with friends on a weekend; I usually drove because I lived furthest away and yeah, it was boring. Added to which, the older you get, the less tolerant to alcohol. If I was still at work there's no way I'd be wasting my valuable weekends getting drunk. Give the poor woman a break!

Why not? Surely someone as young hearted and fun as you should have LOADS of mates?

He has clearly identified you as someone who doesn't respect his wife's boundaries and your friendship seems to be concentrated around alcohol. I agree with him. Maybe you should try to find other interests in your forties? Focus on your kids a bit and go to therapy yourself.

Half of them have controlling husbands who don’t let them come out to the pub because they think it’s immature.

Well ask one of the other half then 😬

She's told you that she has issues with alcohol and wanted a quiet spa weekend, but you went ahead and booked several bars and clubs instead. I've changed my mind, you're not a bad friend, you're actually evil.

Or that's what they tell you when really they're using it as a get out as they find you getting too drunk and flirting with randoms tedious.

This cannot be real. Surely not.

Oh dear, it sounds to me as though you are the problem here. If she considers herself to have a drink problem and asked her DH to help her stop, and she’s managed to do that, how is it controlling on his part when she asked for his help ?

Some people find it easier to stay away from alcohol altogether and you don’t sound very supportive of that, or of the fact that she wants to spend more time with him and his friends. If they’ve been through a bad patch and are in the process of reconciling then l’d say that’s fair enough. You seem to be talking it very personally.

She has mentioned it almost a week ahead and paid your her full share of the cost. You have a right to be disappointed at the short notice, but that's as far as it goes. You are not her sister and even long-standing friends come second to her marriage or should do. Have you no other friends who would jump at a free weekend away with you?

🤣 there’s a common theme here

its fine for you to be happy with your lifestyle but you need to accept that people change and grow up so your interests may diverge.

You can’t force people not to change!

In the last two years she’s stopped drinking and is doing things like following him along to his hobbies and sitting with his friends wives.
You mean she's socialising with other couples? That's perfectly normal. Why would you feel the need to comment on this?

She asked him to help her stop drinking but this seems to mean she doesn’t drink at all when she’s out which I find controlling on his part.
She asked for his help and he's been helping her. That isn't control, it's respect.

Your clear dislike for her husband is evident. How dare you urge somebody to leave their husband. He doesn't like you because he obviously isn't a fan of your morals... there's nothing wrong with that.

She's paid you off. Take the money and go get hammered for the weekend like you want.

That’s the impression I have too.

I get being let down is disappointing but your subsequent updates kind of explained why she has.

Plenty of people grow out of boozy nights out. I’m 35 and couldn’t think of anything worse than dragging my sorry arse around the town in a pair of heels.