AIBU to worry my son is too young to marry?

[Eralione]

Afternoon,
DH and I have one DS he is 23 (24 in October), a teacher. He has been with his girlfriend since they were 14/15, they broke up briefly around 18/19 for about 4 months and have been together since.

He has just decided to propose and they have told us they plan to get married next summer, she will be 23 and him 24.

We recently used a deed of variation to pass on a large amount of inheritance which they have used to boy a property outright, I believe this is just in DSs name but I’ll be honest I don’t know as the money had nothing to do with us since we used a deed of variation.

Im worried they are far too young to being getting married and it may all end in flames. I don’t understand the hurry. I’m also worried this will compromise our son’s financial position.

AIBU?

I never understand these posts, they come up every now and again, and I wonder how people can think their kids are old enough for a full time job, a mortgage, children, but not old enough to get married…it’s mental to me honestly.

I met my husband at 17, got engaged at 21, married at 23 FWIW - still married at 39. They’ll be ok, or they won’t and they’ll get divorced, but that’s up to them not you.

I got married age 21 in 2018 and my husband age 24 we’d been together for 3 years. Still happily married. When you know you know

Your gift is just something that will benefit him, his standard of life and his potential children. If he chooses to share that with her well… that’s exactly what marriage is to be honest. This is always going to be an issue no matter when or who he marries. But it could allow him to build a life not on his own, but build a bigger wealth with his partner.

Who knows, she might end up with a bigger inheritance on day and then what?

Let him choose his life and who he shares everything about it with,

Couple of things though…why can’t they see the world married? Like seriously you can travel and see the world whether you’re married or single.

By see the world do you mean see other people? Would you rather they broke up and hoped they found someone else as weak suited to each other? Bit bizarre and could lead to neither of them finding anyone.

And divorce…if they divorce after a very short period she isn’t getting 50%. If they divorce after a long time, then it doesn’t matter whether they waited or not.

Just butt out of it and be happy that your son is happy, too many people end up lonely and living with their parents into their 30s…or even worse, don’t settle until they’re older and find it hard to give up some of their autonomy and to grow as a couple rather than being an individual, causing more conflict than the couple who learned who they were by growing up together.

i think these are reasonable worries
can you put them to your son
share your concerns with him
explain what you are concerned about
what you have said here,
the consequences of his decisions,
what could happen.
ask him why does he want marry now? can it wait?
see what he says
then if he still chooses too, it is his choice and up to him to deal with it.

also you said you had one son
if he is your only son
is it hard for you to see him marry

This is easily solved. If you are in England they put a deed of trust in place to regulate ownership away from 50/50. Alternatively they enter into a pre nup/ cohabitation agreement which says in the event of a split, son gets his deposit back then equity is split equally and son. Gets first dibs on buying her out. A few hundred quid now sorts the issue once and for all - much like home insurance, pay the premium and hope it isn't needed and if it is, it sorts one major headache

He should get a prenup

It sounds totally normal, they've been together, what, 9 years already?

My mum was 20 and my dad was 25 when they married. They are still happily married after 47 years. Of course as parent you worry about your child and want to protect him. In doing so now though you risk pushing them away and damaging your relationship with your son.

I don’t think it’s that young. They’re hardly children.

I think it's fine, but if you are worried, keep as much paperwork as possible. If it's a short marriage, you can get a lot back if they last a long time and have kids; then chances are he'd only get half, but by that stage it's probably fair enough.

Protect it via a prenup

It's an ok age and they can marry sooner as they don't have a house to save up for.

Unless there are some huge concerns about the GF’s personality or lifestyle that you haven’t disclosed, I’d say this is good news! 24 is a normal age to marry if you have been in a relationship for as long as they have and are financially secure.

It's not that young. I don't think age is the biggest factor in whether people will go the distance in a marriage. They have already proved they are committed to each other as they have been together quite some time already. FWIW my husband was 24 when we got married 26 years ago and I was 27. We are still together.

I agree that he’s a bit too young, but he’s an adult so just let him get on with it. Most people I know who married in their early/mid twenties are now divorced. Either way, it’s his choice.

I thought he was 18 or something.

He's plenty old enough to get married and it's not like he's only known her five minutes.

Pity my parents — I broke up with the guy I'd been dating for two and a half years and planning to marry...then got engaged at 20 to someone id been dating for a couple of months. Married the following year, a day before my 22nd birthday 😂.

Still married and nearly 30 years later...

They seem pretty solid but honestly nothing is certain either way. Just allow them whatever happiness they have for as long as they have it. I have two friends who were widowed by that age.

It's like some underlying reluctance to let go and allow their children to move on. Whenever I see one of these threads all I can visualise is Timothy Lumsden living at home in his mid 40s with his overbearing and dominant mother .

Are you more worried about the money? That she may get half the value of the property after they get divorced and he’d have to buy her out?

These posts always go the same way with posters regaling us with their life stories and being really disingenuous claiming because they were betrothed at 21,22,24, it isn't too young blah blah.

Although I do agree with a PP in that you facilitated this by providing them the means to live mortgage free at such a young age. She will almost certainly have claim on the house should they have children and a longish marriage.

Legal steps should have been taken before he was able to buy a house and potentially create a future situation where he loses half of it.

Yes I am cynical, though I prefer to consider it as being realistic.

I married at 25 having been with my husband for almost ten years. We’re nearly forty now and very happy!

Not only are you unreasonable you are being ridiculous!

How many people do you know who are mortgage-free in their 30s? I don't see how waiting another ten years is going to make any difference. He is still going to have a house. If he isn't still with the person who was with him before he got this windfall, he's still going to be prey to people looking for security, and he could still lose half his house. He's also more likely to meet potential partners who already have young children, etc, with even more reason to want that security.
Yes, some of us have shared our life stories, in response to some of the positively antediluvian attitudes to marriage. I think the idea that marriage chains you to the town you live in and means you'll see nothing of the world, etc, went out with the ark.
The real tie is children. In this day and age, marriage doesn't equal children. They are as likely to have children without being married. What's OP going to do, demand an abortion if she fell pregnant because he's too young and she wants him to see the world? Married or not, if they have a child, he's going to have financial responsibilities. Then they really aren't going to be trotting round the globe having adventures.

I don't see why people think adding this bit of paper to a long term relationship is suddenly going to stifle him, or why waiting a few more years is going to make such a difference.

My son was married at 19 at the end of his first year in university. It never occurred to us for a moment to say that he was too young. They have been married eight years, own their own home and have a family.