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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think what's the point of being married??

132 replies

scottishmum007 · 29/06/2008 10:55

I'm married myself but really living in sin would have been a lot cheaper (no wedding fees to pay for). The only people that profit from a couple saying I Do are the Government really.Anyone else thought of this before?
Besides the obvious reasons for getting married ('we love each other') is there really any incentives to tying the knot?? financially the government are raking it in, with all us saps paying the fees to marry. What don't we get an allowance for being married couples anymore?? we used to...

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 29/06/2008 23:20

I agree with madamez - paying people to get married is as bad as paying them to give up smoking; BUT they could bring back the married tax allowance to help out.

MadamePlatypus · 29/06/2008 23:24

The party is optional. I think its cheaper to get married than to pay a lawyer to draw up a contract, and married people get certain rights as next of kin.

Tinker · 29/06/2008 23:27

Why should there be a tax allowance for being married?

MadamePlatypus · 29/06/2008 23:30

The cost of a wedding ceremony in my area is £40.

All other wedding costs are optional.

Original poster

scottishmum007 · 30/06/2008 18:56

thumbwitch, that's what I was referring to, the married tax allowance. And I would say if people did get that then you'd find more couples would be quickly tying the knot...it's an incentive. As my DH's workmates pointed out yesterday.They only got married ten years ago because it made financial sense..help to pay for things as a married couple..married tax allowance...

OP posts:

Original poster

scottishmum007 · 30/06/2008 19:00

Kizzipoppet, that's what my DH said. A child is actually more of a commitment between a couple than a bit of paper saying you are married.
YOu can end a marriage a week later or a month later or a year later and say cheerio and move on but once you have a kid together, that's it, you have to at least be on speaking terms for the sake of your kids if anything bad happened between you (splitting up).
I can see both sides of the coin.

OP posts:

Original poster

scottishmum007 · 30/06/2008 19:03

onlyjoking, i agree with your points too, the fact that it has many practical advantages over cohabiting.
sorry to hear of your DH loss. hope you are managing to sort out all the legal stuff. in events like that I supppose it does pay to be married.

OP posts:

madamez · 30/06/2008 21:32

While I can see the practical arguments for getting married (legal rights and responsibilites etc) that doesn't mean that I think it is either the Government's business to encourage people to get married, or that getting married is any kind of Good Thing for anything other than the people who do it and find it makes them happy. Not everyone wants to be married, and many people shouldn't be married (because they are abusive, or financial predators, or mugs prepared to put up with almost any kind of shit just to be able to demonstrate they are NOt Single). Encouraging people to be responsible for their children is no bad thing, but even more propaganda in favour of heterosexual monogamy when it is so blatantly obvious that this lifestyle is not suitable or desirable for everyone, is entirely pointless.

motherinferior · 01/07/2008 09:34

Totally agree, madamez.

I always also pmsl at the assertions that ooh yes all women want to get married really, it's the men who don't...speaking as someone whose response to a romantic proposal was quite literally to go into shock, and who has been fending off the suggestions of knot-tying ever since.

motherinferior · 01/07/2008 09:36

I have no wish to make a public declaration about my sex life, and/or to 'feel different'. In fact it's the number of people who say they feel different after getting married which makes my blood run particularly cold about entering into the instution of matrimony.

Spero · 01/07/2008 14:25

If you are in love and have a child, that is a huge measure of your committment to each other. But its a false sylogism to say that 'having a child means you are committed' 'X and Y have had a child' therefore 'X and Y are committed to one another.

You can have a baby with someone and not even know their name!

Sadly have had loads of clients (and even more sadly known personally quite a few people) who had partners who evidentally didn't give a damn about either them or the children.

not saying that marriage protects you from that; of course it doesn't. But most of them weren't married. I agree with ChukkyPig, it sorts out the men from the boys relationship wise.

Original poster

scottishmum007 · 01/07/2008 19:16

I wouldn't say I feel any different now that I'm married (have been now for almost 18 months). We done it mainly for legal and practical reasons (as many others have done so).
See your points of view aswell Spero, sadly so many people feel that cohabitng with kids is a big enough commitment as it is.

OP posts:

madamez · 01/07/2008 19:41

The thing is, you can coax or nag or even intimidate a person into going through a marriage ceremony with you. That still isn't going to stop them from fucking off if they don't wnat to be with you: there was a most alarming thread a while ago about a couple where one partner had been saying (can almost hear the frightened bleat)'bbbbut I don't think I love you enough to move in with you/marry you/stay with you' for about 10 years and no one would listen to the poor muppet, everyone just kept saying, don't be stupid, you don't know what's good for you, you do love your partner really. This included that reluctant partner's friends and family. ANd oh, what a surprise, reluctant partner eventually rebelled and ran off. And yet the OP was the driving force behind everything and totally bewildered by it.
The bottom line is, that a person either wants to stay in a relationship or does not. And if a person doesn't want to stay there is nothing you can do (or indeed, nothing you should do, ethically: people aren't property) to force them to stay.

Original poster

scottishmum007 · 01/07/2008 19:58

I agree madamez. Thankfully love is the common thing that binds to people together otherwise there isn't much point to marriage. If love isn't there between the two, then even the relationship is a bit doomed.

OP posts:

KaSo · 01/07/2008 20:05

Because the Lord said that's what I should do when I met the man I wanted to spend my life with. Simple as that. And I don't remember the government profiting from my wedding unless the church paid them some of the £100 it cost me to use the church (which I doubt).

LittleB · 01/07/2008 20:13

Haven't read all of this thread but I think we may have had the cheapest marriage. Me and dh had been together for 9 years and had an almost 1 yr old dd, when we decided to get married. Our big commitment was a joint mortgage, then dd, marriage was a next step, we also wanted to have the same names in our family and show our commitment to others, and were aware that it could help things legally, but we already knew we wanted to be together. We were going on holiday in Cornwall, so booked in at the local registry office to get married whilst on holiday, our friends came down the night before to be witnesses, we wrote our own vows, bought outfits -mine cost less than £100, but was still beautiful, a raw silk skirt and pretty top, dd and dh spent less than £100 between them and we can still wear the clothes now. We went to Mullion Cove and had ice creams instead of a reception, and had a really delicious meal that we prepared later in our holiday cottage. It was lovely, very romantic and stress free - we rang and told our family that day, who were surprised and pleased. I understand some would like to share their day with their families but me and dh both have divorced parents and I think I'd be so worried about making sure everyone was ok and aware of all the tension of everyone together in one place that I wouldn't have enjoyed it. I also waitressed at alot of weddings while studying and can see the stress involved. But everyone should do what is right for them, the couple, who are getting married, and hopefully for the right reasons.

TinkerbellesMum · 01/07/2008 22:46

KaSo, who do you think got the £60 you paid to the registry office?

mamhaf · 01/07/2008 23:11

Motherinferior - I'm interested to know why "it's the number of people who say they feel different after getting married which makes my blood run particularly cold"

We've just celebrated 20 years marriage, and had lived together beforehand - but that public committment did feel different and still does, in a very good way.

I could understand it being a negative feeling if it led to taking each other for granted, or worse, a licence for one partner abusing the other - but feeling different isn't necessarily a bad thing.

And I echo what others have said about the legal differences - one couple in their forties we know said they got married rather than stayed as cohabitees after the partner was hospitalised and she realised she wasn't his next of kin - his parents were.

mamhaf · 01/07/2008 23:11

Motherinferior - I'm interested to know why "it's the number of people who say they feel different after getting married which makes my blood run particularly cold"

We've just celebrated 20 years marriage, and had lived together beforehand - but that public committment did feel different and still does, in a very good way.

I could understand it being a negative feeling if it led to taking each other for granted, or worse, a licence for one partner abusing the other - but feeling different isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Tinker · 01/07/2008 23:16

Re the next of kin bit - what happens when parents of one of you are dead and siblings/rest of family uncontactable? Who makes any decisions then?

Jasper · 01/07/2008 23:23

I won't maarry the father of my 3 kids because I am the main earner, owned my house before we met and if we separate I don't want to lose more than I need to.

It amazes me more people do not think this way.Romantic love does not enter the equation.

The issue of seeing his kids does not come in to it as I would never restrict access in the event of a a split and he knows it.

The downside is if I were to die before him there would be a big inheritance tax bill.

Tinker · 01/07/2008 23:27

Agree. jasper. I have very non-romantic view of marriage. I can see why women who have given up work could get twitchy about not being married though.

wabbit · 01/07/2008 23:29

not read all the thread, but, being a permanently non-married person, always having wished my finger might be adorned with a beautiful wedding band... your op sounds smug and rather uneducated.

being married is much, much different to being in a loving and 'committed' relationship IMO

God, I'd love to even be asked!

daffodill6 · 01/07/2008 23:30

Tinks - my answer is always keep your will up to date, peace of mind helps me

Fennel · 02/07/2008 09:51

Officially the NHS doesn't say you have to be married to be next of kin. Cohabitants count too. It's in their guidelines. But many of the staff don't realise or stick to this.

Apparently you have to just stick to your guns and insist you are the next of kin and they have to recognise it. Though I haven't tested this out.

You can get a little Next of Kin card to stick in with your credit cards etc. You can get them from this site (which is my favourite Cohabitee rights site, it's very useful).

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together

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