Would you want to know ..

[iactuallygiveup]

So I was sleeping with someone for the last 16 ish months, known him 14/15 years though.
I really thought he was a decent guy.
it wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
we had both said we weren’t going to be sleeping with anyone else though.
he’d been quiet for a couple of weeks and then messaged me saying he was so stressed about a certain situation in his life and that he couldn’t think straight etc.
cool, there’s no pressure from me, concentrate on sorting it out.
Then, I am just scrolling social media and see him and another woman, the post claims they’ve been dating for around 5 months 😳.
Now, if he wants a relationship with someone, that’s fine as we weren’t bf/gf but he has been sleeping with us both and that grosses me out.
in the past year I’ve had cystitis and a month or so ago thrush - never had either in my life before.
Sorry this is so long.
i messaged him saying you have been sleeping with us both at the same time, and said, why didn’t you just tell me you wanted a relationship with someone else, He blocked me.
so would you, as the GF want to know? Or just keep out of it? I feel so mugged off and in disbelief after all these years knowing each other he has just basically discarded me. I will be getting myself tested

I'd keep out of it.
You don't know that he has been having sex with both of you. He could easily have been dating this woman and not sleeping with her. Going quiet on you recently could just be because he has now started a proper relationship.
Friends with benefits do tend to get discarded when one party meets someone who they want a relationship with. He could have told you instead of going quiet, but casual set ups generally do just run their course/ phase out. Theres usually no need to put an end to it in any official way.
The gf may know that he had a fwb situation, that is now over. She may not.
You don't know the dynamic of their situation at all,
so could end up looking silly if you say something to her.

I don't really get how you can be exclusive with someone but not their g/bf. I guess if you're open, and you discussed telling the other one if you were seeing someone else then yes. But if your exclusive then seeing someone else would be cheating.

The boundaries of it as an arrangement seemed a bit blurred.

Your reaction suggests you really did see him as a traditional monogamous boyfriend.

It doesn’t really matter if you understand the logistics of it. I’ve never had an agreement like this but I would expect that if I, and another adult, agreed not to sleep with other people at the same time as one another and we didn’t use protection such as a condom based on that agreement that they honour the agreement or end the agreement before they broke it. There isn’t a secret code that becomes unlocked that stops someone being a liar just because you’ve declared yourself exclusive. If he’s a liar, he’s a liar.

You (and others on here) seem hellbent on making her feel like this is somehow her fault and ashamed. I’m not sure why. She didn’t deserve to be lied to, she entered an agreement with someone that could have been broken regardless of their status.

Normally I'd say keep out of it but she needs to get tested as do you.

There’s probably a reason for this! He doesn’t want to be tagged in anything to reveal what he’s been up to, possibly numerous women on the go at the same time.

Get yourself tested. If anything shows up, let the new gf know. Otherwise, say nothing and move on.

Well she obviously didn’t know he was a complete dickwad.

Have you decided what you’ll do @iactuallygiveup ? Given have known him for so long and always thought he was a good guy, it is quite possible he only began sleeping with her when he’d been quiet for a couple of weeks and then messaged me saying he was so stressed about a certain situation in his life and that he couldn’t think straight etc.

If he had suggested that the two of you start a proper relationship, what would your response have been?

I'm going to just let him get on with it, I feel much less bothered today. I think it was the shock of being treated like I don’t matter at all by him, goes to show how long you’ve known someone doesn’t always mean anything.
ill get on with my life and chalk it up to experience, life goes on.

He is a friend of over a decade. Why don’t you talk to him?

Did you want more a relationship with him?

Utterly ironic that all of the posters saying to tell her, are the same ones that were voting against a previous poster telling her poor husband about her year long affair 🤯🤯

Really…. You have done a thread analysis linking posters on this thread to that thread?

@Beepalarmhe blocked me so he doesn’t want to talk to me. I won’t chase anyone. I don’t want to be with him.
maybe one day he’ll look back and realise what an idiot he was

@Beepalarm I see he’d been with someone and the timeline crossed over so I sent him one message about sleeping with us both at the same time and he could have just told me and he just blocked me, no call, no apology, nothing - just blocked, 14 years of friendship gone!

@Beepalarmno, what we were doing was as much as I wanted, I have a stressful job and work long hours so it was perfect.