Have I clipped DH wings and been unreasonable about social events?

[ShedNine]

When we met 15 years ago, DH was very sociable, particularly around work events. After DD was born his attendance at those events became more sporadic; he attended fewer and generally left after an hour or so. I should add these aren’t casual post-work drinks, they’re usually client or internal social events.

DD is now 7, so we’re on a much more even keel childcare wise, so there is the opportunity for him to go to more and stay later.

Earlier this week there was a work event. Attended by everyone. He left after two drinks, and came home. I said he could have stayed longer and he said it “wasn’t fair” to do so. I asked if anyone else had left early and he said no.

We then got talking about other events, and I asked if a date had been set for the Christmas Party. He said there had but he wouldn’t be attending. I asked why and he said “to be honest, I can’t really relax at these things any more and it’s best I just don’t go”. I asked him what he meant he referenced the previous year when he’d been out until midnight, and I’d (admittedly) sent him a message telling him that he didn’t give a shit about his family because we had things to do the following day.

On that occasion, he pointed out that he’d stopped drinking at 8:30 and he was perfectly fine the following day (he was), and he had just wanted to stay out and network / get to know some of his senior colleagues better. He says he just doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do and so to avoid problems he’s just not going to attend.

I now feel awful, like I’ve clipped his wings. He never said anything last Christmas, he just apologised. He won’t change his mind about the Christmas party.

AIBU?

I should add, tor context, I attend work events and other social events and DH has never raised any issue with me, even when they have gone on later than expected and I’ve had a few too many. Which makes me feel even worse.

Gosh you are not very nice to your husband and then act surprised.

Where's his backbone? He should have told you you were out of order with your message the next day (especially given he was fine next day and not hung over) and you should have apologised for it (which you may well have done) and then he should have gone back to attending networking events sensibly, bearing in mind what you both have on as a family the next day.

I'd have a reset now, and maybe agree on some guidelines for both of you regarding attending work networking events e.g. aiming to be home by X time, and if you're going to be later letting the other one know. I do hate the anticipation of waiting up for my partner, as I feel I can't go to sleep until he's home, so I appreciate it when he keeps in touch re timings so I can manage my expectations!

It sounds like he's afraid of you or certainly of upsetting you OP, which is sad.

I seriously doubt it was one incident.

My mum hated my dad going anywhere or doing anything without her.

She very rarely had to lose her temper or tell him not to do something. She was far more subtle than that. It was passive aggressive comments, sulking, face like a slapped arse, manipulation, day in day out until he was a shell of himself with no friends and no life outside of her.

She claims he was free to do whatever he wanted, he was not happy doing anything that took him away from her and it was his choice.

The truth was very different.

I remember one time my husband managed to get my dad to go out with him. He suggested they stop and eat and dad went into an actual panic!! He started shaking because he knew what he'd get when he got home.

I have read the whole thread and what I just don't get is the 0-60 nature of the Christmas message.

My husband and I are not in a good place right now. But I would just never, ever tell him he didn't give a shit about the kids. He works hard and loves them.

I am not an angel but with a responsible adult, I'd be careful to give him space to socialise. When my husband is out, which is not often, I deliberately don't message at all. If I wanted him to come home, I might say something like "can you let me know how much longer you'll be, just conscious we have xyz on tomorrow" - type of thing.

To go straight to swearing and accusing him of neglect, either this really isn't the first time or the OP was having a massive uncharacteristic moment, like drunk/ recent bereavement/ huge work stress.

Because you just don't go from happy families to sweary hectoring msgs in one evening. There has to be previous here.

Did you apologise after you realised you overreacted?

You are a big ol’ 🚩….
if you were the husband there’d be calls for divorce

Clipped his wings? That’s putting it mildly. You’ve ground the poor bloke down.

Oh gosh OP you know you've been unreasonable. Feel for your DH but I would have told you to wind your neck in so he needs to take a bit of responsibility for being a sap.

I do think it wasn't an OK message and you should apologise and reiterate he should go out. Equally I do wonder if he's guilt tripping you a bit, or perhaps just doesn't fancy it and it's easier to blame you. I mean, you explained it was worry due to events the next day and apologised, you told him to stay out later and said he should go to the Christmas party.... I'm not sure what more you can do, it was 9 months ago and you've repeatedly said he should go out longer/more. I'd apologise once more and say he should go but then leave it, I think you over reacted then, but now he is being a bit ott dragging it out for so long. People sometimes do/say things they regret especially when tired or worried, we apologise and then everyone moves forward. So long as you've genuinely said sorry and explained it was not something you truly think/believe then it's up to him. If I'd received that message, I'd have firmly rebuted it, been annoyed, my dh would apologise and we'd all be back to normal 24 hrs later! I'd not expect him to feel any guilt half a year on

Your behaviour seems like a massive overreaction but so does that if your DH. Most men would have told you "where to get off" which makes me think he isn't that he may not be that interested in these work events.

She's only aware because he brought up that particular instance.

It's not necessarily a matter of lying, people aren't always aware of the vibes they're giving off. Facial expression, tone of voice and changes in demeanor when a subject is raised can be just as loud and telling as words.

Never fucking mind talking about his backbone.

Men aren't allowed to have one these days for fear of hurting women's feelings.

I've no idea why men still want to bother with women any more.

Why on earth do you equate having a few drinks for Christmas with not caring about your family. You sound very controlling. If my DH did this I'd be gone

Or maybe the Christmas text was one explicit example of years of implicit behaviour and he’s decided it’s just not worth it.

I’m sure the OP isnt the devil. But if she is the sort of person who’d send that text in the first place then I think it is sensible to assume that this tension exists elsewhere in the relationship.

I feel very sorry for him. You really need to stop this. You will ruin your marriage if yiu haven't already. Imagine a woman was saying this about her husband? It would be cohesive control, abuses and everyone would tell her get her ducks in a row. I'd tell him the same. Regardless of if this marriage lasts I hope you get sine counseling. First you and late couples counseling.

I agree as he apologised to OP (why?) and has decided to not even go to this year's party.

@ShedNine well it is all completely reversible- tell him to go out and have a great time, say now kids are older he does not need to come back early- stop sending snarky messages

I find the term “Have I clipped DH wings” a bit cringe. He’s an adult. As are you. Unless this is a lowkey abusive relationship with lots of info kept off this thread it sounds like OP had a go at him once because he was out late and they had plans the next day and he’s now saying that’s caused him to not want to stay out late ever again? Assuming they have a good enough relationship there’s no reason why they both couldn’t have discussed this before the overdramatic “clipping his wings” laments.

He is making you feel bad years later. Instead he should have communicated properly at the time and carried on going to his bloody work parties instead of finding a way to put the OP in the wrong for years. One shitty text and he’s all “I can’t enjoy them anyway”. He should either communicate or leave and be free.

You messaged when he wasn’t home by midnight from a Christmas Party? Yes you are being totally unreasonable. He is terrified of letting his hair down. If this was the other way round everyone would be on their high horse over a controlling relationship.

You sound heavy and controlling
hes on eggshells around you