Have I clipped DH wings and been unreasonable about social events?

[ShedNine]

When we met 15 years ago, DH was very sociable, particularly around work events. After DD was born his attendance at those events became more sporadic; he attended fewer and generally left after an hour or so. I should add these aren’t casual post-work drinks, they’re usually client or internal social events.

DD is now 7, so we’re on a much more even keel childcare wise, so there is the opportunity for him to go to more and stay later.

Earlier this week there was a work event. Attended by everyone. He left after two drinks, and came home. I said he could have stayed longer and he said it “wasn’t fair” to do so. I asked if anyone else had left early and he said no.

We then got talking about other events, and I asked if a date had been set for the Christmas Party. He said there had but he wouldn’t be attending. I asked why and he said “to be honest, I can’t really relax at these things any more and it’s best I just don’t go”. I asked him what he meant he referenced the previous year when he’d been out until midnight, and I’d (admittedly) sent him a message telling him that he didn’t give a shit about his family because we had things to do the following day.

On that occasion, he pointed out that he’d stopped drinking at 8:30 and he was perfectly fine the following day (he was), and he had just wanted to stay out and network / get to know some of his senior colleagues better. He says he just doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do and so to avoid problems he’s just not going to attend.

I now feel awful, like I’ve clipped his wings. He never said anything last Christmas, he just apologised. He won’t change his mind about the Christmas party.

AIBU?

I should add, tor context, I attend work events and other social events and DH has never raised any issue with me, even when they have gone on later than expected and I’ve had a few too many. Which makes me feel even worse.

I have a husband that can always been convinced into one more drink and never wants a night out to end that definitely stems got the hardcore party days of his early 20s and sometimes that does get slightly frustrating 😅. However, he works hard, is an amazing husband, is an incredible dad, does more than his fair share of everything in our life and ultimately I’m his wife and not his mum and if we have something on the next day and he takes it too far then it’s him that’ll have to put a smile on his face while his hangover tries to take him out 😂.
Look you done wrong but you’ve acknowledged it and apologised and tbh I do think it’s a bit on him that he’ll not just accept that and move on. Obviously only way you can show him you won’t it again is for him to go and give you the opportunity to. Just don’t do it again obviously.

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You sound very controlling. I would leave a relationship for less than this.

Unless you have spent the last 7 years insisting that he leave early to come home, which it doesn’t sounds as though you have as you explicitly seem to encourage him to stay longer, then this is his decision? So you’re not clipping his wings, he just seems to be choosing not to spread them. You shouldn’t blame yourself at all.

However, for an otherwise sociable guy I would question why he chose to change his behaviour so starkly on the arrival of your child - did he have an absent/negligent/abusive father? Is he trying to counter the experience of his own childhood by being more present? I’d ask him WHY he is leaving early to come home/skipping work events entirely when you are happy for him to attend and remain out late, especially now DD is older.

If there is a back story or a hang-up over how he needs to parent/father his child, then it might be worth getting to the bottom of it and, if necessary, suggest he has some counselling. But you do not need to consider this YOUR fault.

Just from one message? There’s no going back after that message?
In that case, OP should be called controlling and abusive, maybe at par with all the domestic abusers of the world?

Wow 😮

This!

The message last year was horrible tbf, perhaps if it was 4/5am and he did it all the time you’d have had a point.
did you ever talk about it afterwards and debrief and re negotiate expectations?
is he a sulker normally?

Yep, agree. Most of my friends try to control their husbands, and I have literally never told my partner what to do or when he should come home. One Saturday night he wanted to see his brother after a full week of working away, and I told him I didn't mind, because they rarely meet up.

But op, some here have suggested it won't have been the one standalone comment, but lots of digs here and there - might this be the case? If so, it would throw a whole different light on why he's like this.

Otherwise, yes I do agree there's a degree of him sulking for way too long about this if it was truly just the one single comment you made.

Well you made a mistake last Christmas but he’s being VERY passive aggressive, trying to guilt you forever more.

What’s needed here is simple conversation (and trust).

On that occasion, he pointed out that he’d stopped drinking at 8:30 and he was perfectly fine the following day (he was), and he had just wanted to stay out and network / get to know some of his senior colleagues better. He says he just doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do and so to avoid problems he’s just not going to attend.

I would hate to live like this.

Yep

I think that @Carodebalo 's post* *is a sensible way of looking at it.

It sounds like he already has plenty of evenings out and weekends away. It's only natural that parents of very young children have to rein it in a bit, and you've recognised that things are easier now.
Your message wasn't great but if you've apologised and said you understand.. I'm not sure why he's so resolute in not going to the Christmas party now... a little bit of guilt tripping perhaps?

I wouldn't take it all on your chin. You've only clipped his wings if he's let you.

But it sounds like you are both talking it through so I'm sure you'll both find a solution.

Yes, you've more or less bullied him into giving up on almost everything. The poor man sounds demoralised.

It's the hypocrisy for me - you can go - but when I want, for how long I want and I am going to make you miserable while you are there.

I never understood women who are so needy, clingy, controlling that they constantly text, message, call when their OH are out but are quick to say their OH is a wonderful man and father.

He sounds like a great husband. I won’t bore you with the sad details of what my ex was like or how little I socialise for ANY reason but much less ‘client events’ as a single parent. You have one of the good ones!

To be honest to me looking in from the outside this is an example of ‘how the other half live’. I can’t imagine being able to go out half as much as you do and if I had a partner I wouldn’t dream of having a say in what they did or where they went. You’re very lucky.

I asked him what he meant he referenced the previous year when he’d been out until midnight, and I’d (admittedly) sent him a message telling him that he didn’t give a shit about his family because we had things to do the following day.

Wow, that was out of order and nasty, OP. Agree with PPs that you spund controlling.

His reaction suggests that it isn’t about one message, that message was just an example.

So not only are you controlling and abusive but you’re also a hypocrite? And you genuinely needed strangers on the internet to point that out to you?

If the roles were reversed, people would say you are controlling. You have made your husband feel guilty about attending work functions, to the point he feels he can't attend or if he does it's the bare minimum.

Your reaction to him staying at his Christmas Party until midnight, was awful. Unless your husband is out every night, rolling in at 3 am, pissed as a fart, then what's the big deal?!

You have some apologising to do. You then need to take a long hard look at the way you have behaved. Your behaviour is controlling. Like I said unless, your husband is out more than in, and a complete inconsiderate arsehole, then you need to reign yourself in..big time.

Yeah. You should feel like you feel.. for being a schmuck.
Do as I say not as I do.
It's not alright to use emotional blackmail..that's abuse.

But op seems self aware and accepting her mistake. I don’t see any reason she will be lying that it’s one off.

Fuck me. This shithole never gets any better.

Pile on over this. Pile on over that. Ganging up on posters who soon give up and disappear. Barely able to read. Making shit up. Always wanting to have a go like a rabid dog or start an argument. Only ever half a dozen sensible responses on any thread.

Do the majority of women really hate other women this much.

How about, before calling anybody else disgusting, some of you take a look in the mirror to see what that truly looks like.

OP had a wobble one time, has owned up and is reflecting on her behaviour. Abusers do not do that. Abusers could be shown a video plainly showing something bad they did and would simply refuse to look at it.

But why he doesn’t know what to do or not do from one complaint where op was wrong?

Why is he walking on eggshells without ever mentioning it to op before. To me it sounds like he doesn’t enjoy late night outs and using one incident to blame and guilt trip OP or he is a very sensitive person. And I am surprised that there are so many posters, who will leave through partner after one unreasonable complaint.

He says he just doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do and so to avoid problems he’s just not going to attend.

I did this to myself growing up because of my mother. I never had many friends and once I turned 18 or so I had no friends, but it was easier that way then having to manage my mother and the constant text messages I’d receive, the pressure I’d feel to get home early and finding her awake if I got in because she was “worried”.

It continued when I moved to a different part of the country because she’d phone constantly - and usually at about 9pm on a Saturday night. If I went into the city on a weekend afternoon, she’d tell me she’d “phone me later when I got home” and put the phone down. That was my cue to stop what I was doing and immediately get the train home because she’d be on the phone again in 45 minutes.

She used to go out with different friends on a weekend and my dad would give her and her friends lifts every time she did - three or four nights a month. He’d pick up all her friends, drop them off, come home and then wait until midnight or so and then go and be a taxi service again to pick them all up - sometimes dropping them off miles out of the way.

He never went out and didn’t really have a social life or a circle of friends. One Saturday night he was invited to a colleague’s retirement party and he agreed to go and my mother agreed she’d pick him up at midnight. She arrived outside in the car over an hour early and told him she wasn’t going to sit and wait all night. He left early and never went out to anything like that again.