Have I clipped DH wings and been unreasonable about social events?

[ShedNine]

When we met 15 years ago, DH was very sociable, particularly around work events. After DD was born his attendance at those events became more sporadic; he attended fewer and generally left after an hour or so. I should add these aren’t casual post-work drinks, they’re usually client or internal social events.

DD is now 7, so we’re on a much more even keel childcare wise, so there is the opportunity for him to go to more and stay later.

Earlier this week there was a work event. Attended by everyone. He left after two drinks, and came home. I said he could have stayed longer and he said it “wasn’t fair” to do so. I asked if anyone else had left early and he said no.

We then got talking about other events, and I asked if a date had been set for the Christmas Party. He said there had but he wouldn’t be attending. I asked why and he said “to be honest, I can’t really relax at these things any more and it’s best I just don’t go”. I asked him what he meant he referenced the previous year when he’d been out until midnight, and I’d (admittedly) sent him a message telling him that he didn’t give a shit about his family because we had things to do the following day.

On that occasion, he pointed out that he’d stopped drinking at 8:30 and he was perfectly fine the following day (he was), and he had just wanted to stay out and network / get to know some of his senior colleagues better. He says he just doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do and so to avoid problems he’s just not going to attend.

I now feel awful, like I’ve clipped his wings. He never said anything last Christmas, he just apologised. He won’t change his mind about the Christmas party.

AIBU?

I should add, tor context, I attend work events and other social events and DH has never raised any issue with me, even when they have gone on later than expected and I’ve had a few too many. Which makes me feel even worse.

And everyone is telling her she's wrong to have done it! Which she is.

I know you people can't ever take a day off, but is it too much to keep it off threads where it might at least be relevant? We know you can't cope with a mostly female place reflecting mostly female interests but can't you at least save it for when that might be happening?

I don't believe this is after just one incident. Not a little bit. There will be other instances of pecking and he's given in.

Well at least you know now OP. Might want to reflect

He clearly can't do right for doing wrong in your eyes, if he wasn't out drinking into the small hoursso he's being a drama queen and if he had stayed out into the early hours, rolling home with the milkman as we used to say, no doubt he would have been wrong too! Why do so many women on MN hate men, whatever they do?

I voted YANBU because you’re right- you have held him back. But I think it’s nice you are able to discuss the problem and think of solutions together.

Exactly. An abuser would never ever write in to ask opinion like the OP has. She’s willing to think about it and do something about it.

Sorry- meant to quote from above where someone despaired about the pile on against women.

I agree. My friend always looks frazzled and stressed on a night out but it’s usually because she has had a run up of her DH tutting and sighing over things like having to make tea. Suddenly fish fingers and chips in the air fryer is a mammoth task that keeps going wrong. He also recruits the kids into it and suddenly they’ll have a tech or homework emergency for her to sort out which dad can’t because those darn fish fingers are just so tricky. Then she’ll get home to a hundred mini whinges about how the kids were rowdy, he’s so tired and stressed. Sometimes it’s not overt control but death by a thousand paper cuts.

Don't people realise that their 'social eventing' should change after they get married and even more so after they have a family? What, he does not spend enough time at his stupid work place to want to see those colleagues, only tipsy, at parties? This is so naff, unbelievable. Office party social event, my arse. Aye.

Oh that was an awful message to send OP, no wonder the poor guy is confused about how to behave around these events now.

Yes you have. You sound very self absorbed.

OP, is this you, but drunk?

Yes you have. I had a friend with a wife like you. He became a shell of himself until they split up and his personality gradually reemerged.

Have you apologised for the Christmas Party message?
And acknowledged that it was OTT and unfair?

I think you need more talk and communication.

Some people get a bit reclusive or socially avoidant once they have been out of the habit of socialising. Is he using you / family as an excuse not to attend or stay? Does he socialise with non work friends?

How are other decisions and responsibilities shared out/ Would you say you are the more dominant in these respects?

I’m not going to bash you because I think something positive has happened in this interaction. The first thing is you got curious - you dug a bit to find out what was going on. That’s great and something couples (especially in long term relationships) can be guilty of not doing. Secondly he was open and honest. That’s great too - that’s what we want our partners to be. Thirdly you listened and seemingly didn’t get defensive or try and deny anything he said to be true. And fourthly you’ve reflected on yourself and your behaviour and realised that some of how you’ve behaved in the past wasn’t ideal.

We’re not always our best selves and that’s ok, as long as we seek to do better next time and repair things when we realise.

I think you just need to have an honest chat. Apologise for the text you sent. Acknowledge that he’s given you more grace for social things than you’ve maybe shown him. Reassure him that you want things to be different and that you want him to feel relaxed about socialising and then show him that’s the case by not repeating past behaviour that has led to him feeling this way.

You can’t go back in time and undo anything so just set a new ‘better way’ for going forward.

This is all very dramatic. Did you miss this bit 'He goes relatively often, as much as me. He has 4-5 weekends away with friends (one night) every year as they all live in different places, and he sees local friends too. It’s not excessive and he’s never drunk and incapable. I don’t have an issue with that, the Christmas thing was an exception because of our plans the next day'. That is not coercive control by any stretch of the imagination.

She admits the message last Christmas was shit. I'm sure many people say worse on a daily basis nevermind a one off months ago.

The op's dh cba with work social events anymore and for some reason wants to hold the op responsible for that.

This. Sorry but it sounds like a very controlling dynamic from you towards your husband.

did you regret it at the time and apologise or are you only realising now its been brought up?

if you say that he doesn't drink excessively and isn't incapable the next day, what prompted your approach to his work events? or were you just feeling vulnerable in general.

are there any other children you're dealing with?

Yes, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to attend and stay. It's not as though he's not coming home until the next day is it? You are also attending events and this isn't a problem to him.

"What is good for the goose is good for the gander"

From your previous post, at least he can control his drinking...

even when they have gone on later than expected and I’ve had a few too many.

It's not as though he's out with mates on a weekly/nightly basis getting pissed up.
He's only trying to better himself and show interest with work colleagues/clients.

You sound controlling to the extent that he no longer enjoys or wants to go out.

Socializing is important for him as a person, and probably also important for his job. I think you need a serious conversation - you need to apologize for what you wrote. I think @DaisyChain505 has it exactly right.

In my view there is a big difference between socializing and staying out for a bit versus being incapably drunk. I wouldn't stand for the latter on a frequent basis, but the former is really important for work and mental health.

That message was absolutely disgusting.

He has given in, he knows how you really feel about work socials, so no amount of saying you don't mind will change it now, he can't enjoy them knowing you resent him going to them, so he's choosing not to bother instead.

I would hazard a guess that there is more that he quietly goes along with 'to keep the peace' than you realise.

He sounds like a nice man who loves his family and maybe you are worrying too much about one daft text

He might just hate the people he works with, work events are not always fun

Yup. Controlling and unreasonable.

i think there’s more to this. What stood out to me “we’re on a much more even keel childcare wise so there is opportunity for him to go more/stay later,” and “never raised an issue with me…gone on later…worse for wear.” These 2 points stood out to me to suggest that you’ve had this attitude towards him for some time and he has fitted around your requirements. It is absolutely right he should be home to be a father but it seems there is an imbalance on what is expected of him vs you. It maybe worth sitting down and looking at the discrepancies between your freedom and his and try to work on a compromise. I suspect he maybe frustrated with some aspects of your behaviours around these events and drinking so you need to brace to hear some uncomfortable truths before having a calm, open discussion.

If that’s how op sees it, she’s an irresponsible family woman, if she sees it that she can go out and socialise but is abusive and controlling when he goes out!
or will this become a “reverse”?

Poor guy