To think this is completely ridiculous?

[RotundQueen]

DS is autistic so likes the same activities on repeat. If something works for him and he considers it safe he will happily do it again and again without wanting anything new.

It's fine but it can get expensive if it ends up being an activity that costs money!

In this case he is enjoying going to a local small leisure park attached to a shopping centre. He likes the same 3 activities: trampolines, boat racing and mini golf. It's fairly cheap but it does add up if he wants to do it multiple times a week so I have had to limit it to once a week.

So here's the AIBU.. His grandma came to take him out today and he asked to go to the leisure park. I said no because he had only just been so I said to save the money for next weeks trip. However Grandma went on a rant about how he shouldn't be going to it at all as it's not good for him.

When I asked why it wouldn't be good for him she said because it encourages gambling??

This has completely stumped me as I don't see the connection at all. Grandma has form for having what I consider to be crazy opinions on everything. When I think back to my childhood I wasn't allowed to do a lot of what I would consider to be normal things as she would always have some reason for why they were not good.

I told her that was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard and it escalated into an argument where she said she knows what she's talking about as she has met gambling addicts.

So AIBU? Can children going on rides and fair like activities regularly set them up for a gambling addiction later on? I don't believe so but she's so insistent about it that I'm questioning myself.

Obviously Grandma is highly anxious of new things as well. Don’t you see the direct link there between herself and your son.

There's no link and if grandma has form with coming up with the absurd, feel free to ignore.

I think it's time for you to start robustly challenging your mother. Otherwise you're stuck in a child/adult relationship and it needs to be adult/adult.

On the other hand have you considered that her fixed and unchanging views may be because of a rigid mindset that she finds hard to change?

Maybe this - token and use of token and happiness rush she associates with it? But she needn't add to your stress, that is for sure. Is it an option to tell her less?

Yes but she won't accept that she may be autistic as well even though it would explain so much.

She doesn't like being told no, does she @RotundQueen ? There's no point in trying to explain your reasoning for what she's dismissing; distraction or a complete change of direction would be a better option.

Does she ever agree to anything you say or suggest?

As an aside, you can always say that the leisure park is closed for maintenance. The ice rink near me was being refurbished for 3 years 😉

"So AIBU? Can children going on rides and fair like activities regularly set them up for a gambling addiction later on? I don't believe so but she's so insistent about it that I'm questioning myself"

I've voted YABU just for asking this silly question

Sorry 🤣 I knew the answer really, I just got a bit lost with the insistence.

Rarely. On the occasions when she does agree with me she will often go away and think of a work around and come back and tell me how she's actually right because of A, B and C.

If that's what she means - that it's dopamine-seeking behaviour - that's still not the same thing as gambling at all. It might indeed be a dopamine-seeking thing to put money in a slot to receive tokens, but there's no gambling element to that at all because there is no uncertainty about the outcome. It's making a purchase of something that's worth a certain amount, so it's no different to buying something in a shop or buying a ticket for a ride at a cash kiosk.

Like you say - anything can be addictive for people who fixate on it. That's why some people have shopping addictions, for example. But we don't refuse to allow a child to buy something with their pocket money because they might develop a shopping addiction when they're older.

Basically, your mother is nuts and you really just need to ignore her bullshit. Your son, your rules. If she doesn't want to take him to a leisure park she doesn't have to, but she doesn't get to tell you that you shouldn't be doing it either. He's your child, not hers, and it's none of her business.

Nah, Granny is a whack job.
You can't get a gambling addiction from a trampoline.
She needs to loosen the elastic on her judgemental knickers.

You've set a sensible limit of £5 a week. Once it's gone, it's gone.👛

I really don't get why she'd be so tightly wound from this. 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

That was my immediate thought.

It doesn’t make a difference if she accepts autism or not. You can only have a relationship with a person at their level of understanding no matter what that is.

People cannot be forced to accept new levels of understanding.

You behave at your level of understanding and let her behave at her own.

The problem occurs if you are influenced by her cognitive distortions or keep exhausting yourself to change her mind.

Knowing she behaves this way is information and you need to incorporate that information into how you engage with her.

You sound like a lovely and sensible mum.

She sounds very rigid in her thinking.

Don't let her make you doubt yourself. If it's having a negative affect on you, it's okay to see her a bit less often.

Ah-ha!

Hello sister 🥂 nice to know we're not alone.
Mine could not stand a "no" to anything. She'd argue until she was purple that it was raining even if the sky was blue.

Just laugh and walk away - don't engage.

🍷🍸🍹🍺🥃 and 🍿 while you watch her combust.

SPAG edit.

I think this is a factor, but as you say, unlikely to be linked to the specific venue.

What will happen next with your mum? How was it left?

OP if she cant stand to be told no or argued with just choose the course of least resistance "yes mum, of course, there is a well established link between trampolining and gambling addictions, I should have thought of that myself. Good thing you weren't going to take him there anyway. How about the park?"

Same with anything else, just smile or nod and then have some pat answers ready like "oh interesting, Ill have to look into that" or just complete nothing like "okaaay" "I see" and then change the subject.

Maybe start keeping a list in a diary or your phone of "mum's batshit comments" then you can look at them and laugh - even if one or two slip through and cause you to momentarily doubt yourself, looking at them all in duplicate will reassure you that its her, not you!

I introduced my niece to 2p slot machines when she was 2 years old. She thought feeding money in, with nothing coming out, was a win 😂. She's 16 now and hasn't developed a gambling habit and I expect she'll never buy a lottery ticket either.

yabu totally but I'd be a bit wary of what she might be telling your child or even saying while he is listening.

I've been there.....my sympathies op xx

I wouldn't worry about it. My granny thinks coca cola is literal poison and I was never allowed it as a child. I first tried it when I was 14. Well, over three decades later, I am still alive and in perfect health despite having a few cans a month.
My mum thinks anything is literal poison. For example, mixing protein sources with carbohydrates. Again, a lifetime of eating pasta bakes, chicken and rice and steak and chips, I am still very much alive.
Mum also used to say that playing card games is a gateway to gambling addiction. For some reason, this didn't apply to board games and I fail to see substantial difference between the two.
I wouldn't get into an argument about that at all. Simply say "OK" and leave it at that. You already said they were not going, so that's the end of the matter. What you do when she is not around, shouldn't be of any concern.

My Nan thought that too. And that vinegar caused heart attacks.

My Mum's things were a lot more restrictive though. Things like I wasn't allowed to wear any item of black clothing or have any black furnishings in the house as it was satanic. I wasn't allowed to go trick or treating with my friends because it was devil worship. I wasnt allowed to paint my nails or listen to music with earphones because it would cause cancer. I wasn't allowed to dye my hair because it would make my natural hair go grey. I couldn't wear make up or shave my legs or have my ears pierced more than once because it's what "loose women" would do. 🙄

We weren't even a religious family!

So why are you letting her take your son out without you there?

That must have a very significant impact on you now. You have my sympathies. I would guess my father was autistic and we had all sorts of nonsense rules too and emotional rages when he got very dysregulated. It is very challenging. I’ve had a decent amount of therapy to deal with it.

Have you had a chance to address the impact of growing up with your mother? There is a lot there to unpick.

That's nonsense though!