AIBU to feel upset and insulted? What should I have said?

[Disappointedandunamused]

So, I’m 45, perimenopausal, with a history of medical issues : Crohn’s, lipodema, MS, PCOS and type 2 diabetes. I’m on medication inc steroids and with my Crohn’s I can’t tolerate fibre and a lot of protein, (meat, fish,. salad, fruit and veg). I live off bland foods, crackers, pasta and potato mainly. Have seen nutritionists, done umpteen food diaries and any of those cause my digestive system to flare up.
I recently saw my husband’s friends after 2 years at a wedding and one of his good male friends, asked me ‘what have you done to yourself?’. The women married to these male friends who I’ve known over 10 years, treated me like dirt. I’ve probably gained 4 stone and gone from a size 16-18 to a size 22-24. I was so shocked that gaining weight has made me less of a human being to these shallow people and I didn’t know what to say. I was stuck there too as we had a room at the hotel, far from home. I went to the room and cried, had a shower and texted DH to say I wasn’t going back down to the party. I told him what was said to me and he’s livid with his friend and has told him it was out of order.
I wish I’d have had a witty reply ready. What should I have said?

“Grown up”

I don't think you needed a witty reply.
He was rude, you were hurt, your DH was supportive.

You were natural and human and real.

Ive been bullied

I think you shouldve told him to get to fuck, and done so loudly

Mouth off - honestly thats the way to deal with twats like that

My best to you 💚

Did you mean I should grow up or him?

What a horrible man. I can empathise OP, as I have Lipoedema and went from a size 8/10 in my youth to a size 20 and everything in between. With the help of Mounjaro am a size 12/14 and it has been a complete game changer, but I completely understand how you feel and appreciate the differences in the way your treated according to the weight you are. Lipoedema is a complete bitch and the summer months are the worst.

Thank goodness you have your lovely husband, who has your back.

I’d ah e probably asked him why he looked so haggard, old and ugly and explained that fat is so good at hiding the wrinkles - but then am a grumpy perimenopausal baggage who doesn’t care what anyone thinks any more.

What utter twunts. Hope you have easier times ahead.

I read it as he should grow up OP as in speech marks

What should I have said?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but when someone says an unwanted and nasty comment, say “sorry, could you just repeat that?”

There’s a psychology behind it which makes the person then pause and really think about what was said. It also shifts the power dynamic as it forces them to either backdown or try and justify what was said.

It’s actually really hard to do once your in the moment and on the receiving end of something so shocking and upsetting. But there’s nothing you should have said. Cunts like that don’t deserve other people’s breath or time.

I’m glad your husband stuck up for you and stood up to his mate.

What a horrible man! His comments say more about him that you.

Can you say that again?
What have you done to your manners?
What happened in your life to make you so rude/nasty/ignorant/judemental?
Bit of projection going on then, Dave?
I love how you think your opinion matters!
Small mind, small man!
I didn't realise until now that everything people say about you is true.

His mate just said he was drunk and didn’t know what he was saying. Yeah, right!

Honestly I think in your shoes I’d have slapped him, and I say that as someone that’s got colitis, pcos, lipodema and permanently on steroids. I hope you’re ok. People have no right to comment on what illness or medications do to our bodies.

"what have you done to yourself?"

"Well Dave, around 8 years ago I decided that rather than argue with ignorant pricks I would simple eat them instead. Sadly I encounter rather a lot of them, hence the weight gain. I would probably BBQ you but you look like an acquired taste so I'll give it a miss. Anyway, what have you been up to?"

I agree with what you say, the only thing is, if it’s somebody of low intelligence, thick skin, or they’re drink-taken, like the idiot being described probably was as it was a party - they’d probably just repeat themselves, maybe even louder and go on to elaborate hideously so you got the message. If they’re sober they may be more likely to reflect and feel uncomfortable but it’s risky doing this when they’re a loose canon as they may something worse.

Even saying something like “Wow. I had no idea ppl like you existed in real life” leaves you open to some smart alec turning it back on you and saying “same here”. I guess you could just go with “pathetic” and remove yourself from the situation, but they’d be unlikely to see they’d done anything wrong bc they’re a massive twat with or without drink inside them.

When someone says something like this to you it’s a massive shock and humiliating, so it’s really difficult to react bc you’re vulnerable and don’t want to make things worse, but in hindsight I’d have probably wanted to say “What a seriously shitty thing to say to somebody.” while staring at them and then walked away.

Sorry it happened to you, OP. IM glad your husband stuck up for you.

I thought @Ohthatsabitshit meant that to mean telling him that you had grown up implying he had the social skills of a young child

You can’t beat yourself up on a hypothetical situation with hindsight. He was out of order, and it’s great your DH has your back. I hope tomorrow the friend shows more contrition. I sincerely hope you don’t need to be prepared for a next time. 💐

I’ve had a number of health issues and significant surgeries over the last few years and increased a number of dress sizes. On the (thankfully rare) times people euphemistically said ‘oh aren’t you looking well’ (as in ‘bonny’) my response was something along the lines of ‘well which of my health conditions would give you that impression’ which reverted the shock back onto them.

Love this. 😂

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm sending you hugs. I was working and a colleague, who I didn't know that welll, came up to me and said "what have you done to yourself". I replied "what do you mean" and she said "you've put in weight" all the time looking me up and down. I had put on half a stone! She said I had "let myself go". I was distraught and phoned up my husband, who was shocked and said " what did she get from saying that". I refused to work the rest of the shift with her and made sure all the other staff knew what she had said. She caught up with me later and apologised and I repeated what my husband had said, " what did you get from saying that". She said that I had a really good figure so was worried that I had put on weight. I was about 10 1/2 stone. This woman was shorter than me and must have been six stone heavier, so that just added to the shock. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you, it is something that I have never forgotten. And thankful that your husband had worked with him.

I don’t think the aggressive, sweary responses are good. It’s the lamest form of being defensive. It makes it look like he’s right - that the weight is a problem because clearly it’s upsetting you.

The bit to take issue with is him being rude. No one should be commenting negatively on appearance in a social situation like that
I agree ask him casually to repeat it. If he’s rude enough to do so, pause, and ask concernedly if he’s a bit drunk. If he carries on laugh or sigh and “well you always were a charmer Dave” before walking off or “does that mean the affairs off ” depending on the level of banter before and walk off. Cause he’s embarrassing, not because you are.

Fuck off is a full and valid response. I'm sorry some arsehole has made you feel shitty, but it's great the DH has your back.

I think I read it differently to others.
Him: What have you done to yourself?
OP: Grown up.

Some people are utter pricks! So sorry you’re had to deal with one. Have a good response I’d he, doubtfully, manages to apologise …. Maybe something along the lines of ‘next time you decide to berate a woman about their weight, why don’t you engage what tiny brain you have lurking in your thick head that perhaps people have health issues, and consider yourself very lucky that you don’t have them … fuckwit
good luck and hugs re all hour health issues

Yes. I think the PP meant this.

Sorry you were left upset OP. It was a horrible thing to say. I'm glad your DH supported you