AIBU to feel hurt my adult son forgot my birthday

[Thisthatandtheother2]

Am I being unreasonable to expect adult son to remember me on my birthday, I know others have real problems in their life but I am feeling very sad. I feel like I have raised such a selfish person 😞. It was my birthday last week and he is overseas at university, he messaged me the next day saying he hoped I had a nice day. No card , no call or message on the day nothing 😞. I go to so much trouble for his and I always have. He was here over the summer so could have easily left a little gift or card .

He did message a few days later asking for more money. Feeling sad that he thinks this is ok . He didn’t forget he just wasn’t bothered.

It's nothing. Really. They don't attach any importance to those things when they are young. If he is a kind and loving boy in other ways forget it. They leave and have their own lives that don't revolve around you. Mine forgot my two surgeries for breast cancer. A bit hurtful but ok. He has his own life. I don't want him to be spending his student years constantly thinking about my significant dates. And really, once you get past 16 years old to be fixated on everyone celebrating your birthday is odd.

Reminding them? Why do that? I'm not that important.

It's not selfish or uncaring. It's just kids being kids.

That teaches your child to behave a certain way towards their spouse and child.

I don't know where to begin with this thread. It feels like a competition to be the mother who needs the least attention or love. So many selfish young adults described here who will go on to marry and be crap husbands because no one ever said to them (presumably their dads didn't either) that actually other humans like to be acknowledged too and love is a two way street and "having your own life" doesn't mean you can piss on those who love you.

And at the risk of sounding "not my Nigel" all young people are not inherently selfish. Most of the ones I know (including my own) are not. yes sometimes thoughtless and get things wrong but not inherently selfish.

I totally agree with you.
My mum and I had our ups and downs but until she died in her 80's we never ever forgot each other's birthdays. We always exchanged cards and presents - on time - and would phone on the day if not meeting up.
I still think of her on her birthday.
Ditto for my dad though he died years before mum.
Hopefully this is an one-off omission by the OP's son.
Is this more of a son than a daughter thing? Genuine question.

Those excusing him are ridiculous. He’s a thoughtless git and you need to tell him you were upset as no doubt he will do the same next birthday. So he needs to be TOLD .

No, because as I said, if a birthday is important to someone I respect that. Mil and dh love their bdays and I always celebrate them. That I don't teaches my children that we are all different and to celebrate those who wish to be celebrated and not make a big deal about birthdays for those who don't care.

He's at university overseas!! These days I'd not forget my parents birthdays but at that stage of life I'd have multi-days benders where I'd forget what species I was, let alone that birthdays existed.

Agree with Pallisers. Outrageous. Selfish little git. Can’t believe the low bar. Couldn’t imagine ignoring my own mothers birthday.

Tell him you spent all your spare money this month, celebrating your Birthday!

Have you discussed what expectations around birthdays/ Xmas are? Me and DDs did (although tbh we continued to pay for their gifts from us until they left uni) Now they spend £30 on us and get a card. We usually arrange to see each other on or around the day and would do a phone call on the day . But this was all discussed and agreed in advance

You tell him. I sent mine a list when they were young teens called, ‘Here are things I’d like for my birthday. Pick one’. Then the was a list of modestly priced gifts - a tub of Nivea, a bottle of wine, a book, socks, chocolates, etc. and they’ve used it since - as they’ve got older the wine has got better, the socks are now alpaca, and the chocolates are Hotel Chocolat instead of Black Magic (I think I prefer Black Magic). I don’t care what they get me and I don’t want them spending a lot, but I do think it’s important they are in the habit of acknowledging special days, especially when they expect to be treated on theirs.