AIBU to feel hurt my adult son forgot my birthday

[Thisthatandtheother2]

Am I being unreasonable to expect adult son to remember me on my birthday, I know others have real problems in their life but I am feeling very sad. I feel like I have raised such a selfish person 😞. It was my birthday last week and he is overseas at university, he messaged me the next day saying he hoped I had a nice day. No card , no call or message on the day nothing 😞. I go to so much trouble for his and I always have. He was here over the summer so could have easily left a little gift or card .

He did message a few days later asking for more money. Feeling sad that he thinks this is ok . He didn’t forget he just wasn’t bothered.

Par for the course at this age I’m afraid. I wouldn’t take it as an indication that he doesn’t care. I usually say to DC in advance of my birthday that I hope they haven’t forgotten and I’d really like a card! Usually works, but not always

He's been really thoughtless. I think you should tell him how you feel, particularly as he has messaged asking for more money! Young adults can be very selfish, they have to learn how to think of others even if that means 'dutiful' things like remembering birthdays. Sometimes they only learn by others telling them they have cocked up.
He may probably have not intended to be so thoughtless, it could have been a case of 'brain did not engage ', but it won't do him any harm to learn how you feel.

He's immersed in being a young person overseas, and not giving a thought to his home or his mum. In one way that's a sign that he's grown up confident and secure. But hurtful on occasions like this. Hopefully as he matures, he will value his relationships differently and realise that other people's feelings matter.

My adult son is the same, has been for years. So now l dont bother with his birthday, l dont expect much a call on the day would be fine. It is hurtful l agree.
Apart from birthdays we have a good relationship he just isn't bothered with cards and messages and honestly and dosent seem to understand why anyone else is.
My daughter is all over birthdays as she loves them herself, l suppose its just different people.

I once forgot my Mum's birthday. My daughter is somewhat patchy although she'll send a text if she didn't get organised with a card. I'd tell him you expect him to remember your birthday. And maybe be a bit slow about sorting out money for him. I hope you had a lovely day anyway op. (It's perfectly acceptable to remind him a week before that you expect a card).

I respectfully disagree, it is not par for the course and it’s not ok. My two late teen/adult children have never forgotten my birthday - even when on the other side of the world.
if he is usually kind and considerate I would talk to him and explain that you are hurt, and I’m sure he’ll be mortified. If this is a pattern of behaviour then perhaps a more ‘treat him as he treats you’ approach would be a good idea. I’m pretty sure he’ll soon get the message then!

I once forgot my Mum's birthday - I cried when I realised because I felt so bad. It was a difficult time in my life, which is why I forgot but still, I felt awful.

That being said, I there is a big disparity in how people view birthdays. I think you should explain to him that you are hurt and whilst you don't expect a massive fuss, some acknowledgment and consideration would be nice.

I have no idea when my mother’s birthday is. June or July I think. I’m just bad with dates

Hi Op, I hope you enjoyed your birthday Please make sure you do nothing for his birthday. If you tell him why I am sure he will remember next year. Do not send him any money until he apologises..

He didn't forget, to be fair, as he messaged you the next day. 24 hours late, but not forgotten.

Lots of people do not send cards for occassions now

However, a text, phone call, whatsapp message should have been sent to you.

You should let him know that you were upset

Happy Birthday🎂🌻

Nope. I wouldn’t be standing quietly for this. Birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day’s and Father’s Days are when we should expect our children to show recognition and respect for the others in their family.

If you have a normal, decent, ordinary relationship with your son then informing him that you deserve due respect is, unfortunately, necessary this time around.

Tosh! He's a selfish little git who remembers his mum well enough when he needs money. Which I really hope OP didn't send him.

It's not par for the course. It's self centred. He's not a child and shouldn't need reminding of the basic expectations in a family.

If he were mine I'd send back a message 'Treat yourself with whatever you saved by not sending me a birthday present'.

I would not be sending him money.

I was going to say the same. It’s not par for the course! I guess no reminder from dad? You are out of sight and out of mind. I’d be cross about the money request too. Has he a dad in his life? If he has, dad needs to step up. He’s very self centred and should be managing money - does he have Turing funding?

Yeah that's shit, hope you had an other wise good day 🥰 mines tomorrow - daughter will remember and there will be a message when I wake up and presents when I see her (she lives abroad but we're meeting up next week!) But both boys... one of which still lives at home... I expect daughter will remind them late in the day tomorrow (not her job) and he WhatsApp will come at some point. They're crap at this stuff, it really pisses me off.

He was here over the summer so could have easily left a little gift or card

That's a level of forward planning and organisation I would not expect from someone under 30, and even then it is a push.

It's a bit rubbish that he didn't call on the day. I'm sure he feels bad that he forgot on the day itself but he didn't forget entirely, he was a day late.

Cards are mostly a thing of the past - I don't know anyone under 35 who sends them. I'd just chalk it up to youth and being swept up in all the busyness of a university course overseas.

I hope you still had a nice birthday and that you aren't missing him too much.

To be perfectly transparent, I do sometimes forget family birthdays. Forget isn't even the right word. I remember that their birthday is coming this week, I am just generally not that well aware of the dates unless I make a point of checking what date it is today. Sometimes, I even remember when I wake up and think "I'll send a message once I get to work" or at lunch, or whatever. Then I get caught up with the day and suddenly get a jolt at 11pm. There is 2h time difference between the UK and where my family are so sometimes it does end up being "the next day" for them.
I have about 5 different reminders too and try to make a point to message as soon as the reminder comes in because leaving it till later has a very high risk of forgetting.
We don't do cards in my family so that part is easy.
I promise you I am not a selfish child. Nor do I not care about my mum. I do my best and sometimes fail at it.

He didn't forget to ask for more money did he. The general consensus these days seems to be that young adults get a totally free pass on just about everything. But they need to learn to give as well as take, and not to hurt people. Otherwise they're being taught that it's OK to forget or not care and basically that other people's feelings don't count. They'll also get a nasty shock when they discover in the real world that not everyone is as forgiving as mummy.

Who is paying for his lovely (and probably quite expensive) life overseas at uni hmm??

To me the son comes across as seriously entitled & selfish, even spoilt sorry.

To those trying to excuse him saying it’s hard to remember everyone’s birthday - you only get one Mum & personally I knew my Mum’s birth date off by heart from a very young age, I never forgot even during my 20s when we didn’t see each other very often.

He remembered to phone his Mum to ask for more money, didn’t he??

As your child, it's his duty to keep track of his mother's birthday. If he has such a bad memory, how difficult is it to put a reminder in his phone's calendar? Its rude.

I agree with this. This isn't a child, this is an adult man who is managing to live independently overseas. This small gesture of care for his own mother shouldn't be beyond him. Nor should the OP be expected to be glad he's so happy he forgets her until he needs money. She is a human being not a walking wallet.
If this was my son I'd definitely tell him how I felt.

He sounds a selfish thoughtless twat . Forgetting mums birthday but not to ask for money . Tell him no time to get a job.

Absolutely not ok. Selfish and thoughtless of him.

How horrible. Happy birthday op!

I would never forget my mum and dad's. I never forget my stepmum's either. Some people just don't have it instilled in them. The cheek he had to ask you for money then after... maybe you should say to him I would have appreciated a card.