AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

[HelpMEunderstand0]

I don’t know if I’m over reacting but I actually feel like I really really dislike DH and am questioning the relationship altogether based on a terrible holiday

DD13 ASD and DS15 ADHD

I have ADHD - suspect DH may be ASD but he refuses any testing as says he’s got to 45 just fine

A few incidents have happened and I’m really upset

Firstly we have not been getting on for a long time now and this was meant to be a bit of a deciding holiday as I’m struggling to connect with him at all in recent years mainly with the lack of understanding around the children’s needs or practical help with any of it

So far he has

1. Made DD cry in a shop because DS kept putting a box of Maltesers in the basket that he said were too expensive and ended up tossing them on the side of the self checkout - they then fell on the floor and a shopkeeper asked if he was buying them and he replied “ Obviously not or they would be in my basket wouldn’t they ? “ and left the shop

DD very embarrassed and apologised to the worker

1. A little boy of 8 years old is on the resort and is very good at pool and has beat both my kids in good spirits each time he’s played them. DH said “ Let’s see how good he is then “ and proceeded to floor him, hitting the balls in really hard and a little aggressively. I was mortified that a 45 year old would take joy in beating a small 8 year old and my son then got annoyed with DH and tried to knock the cue out of his hand on the last shot which made DH shout “ if you did that to someone in a real pool match they would punch you in the face “

Lastly, me and DD went to look in a shop at the airport and DH and DS were meant to wait outside

When we came out they were gone so we made our way to the gate thinking they would be there - they weren’t so I called him and he was furious that he had waited outside and we had gone anyway

Turns out he was nearby but not outside so we just missed him by accident but when we got back FD was upset as DH had said “ Well if they’re late it’s their own fault and they’ll have to deal with being stuck in Italy won’t they? “

DS panicked and told us when we met back up with them and DD then got upset as DH had her passport so in her mind we would have actually been stuck

My emotions are really high and I need some outside advice please

Anger, argumentativeness and frustration are also emotions - how come his emotions are so important that they need to be accommodated and worked around but yours are unworthy of respect to the extent they can be used as a way to dismiss perfectly valid concerns about his behaviour?

He’s not very nice. At all. Sadly though only you know whether you can put up with this. If you do separate it will be easier now the dc are older because the onus won’t be on you to force contact. I suspect Ds struggled because like most dc he won’t want the apple cart unsettled - a divorce is unsettling for dc and initially they will struggle but in time it’s fine. He would have come to terms with it given time, instead you’ve gone back which is like putting a plaster over it all again. No one sounds very happy.

This is spot on.

@HelpMEunderstand0 whether he has or hasn’t austism is irrelevant. You no longer like him. Which means you are no longer in-love with him. You may care for him as he’s your children’s father but that’s likely not going to be enough long term.

Wait to the stress of the holiday has passed. If you still don’t like him then separate. Explain to your children it’s final and that they still have two parents that love them - they’ll get used to it eventually.

He sounds like an angry deranged bully.
I honestly couldn't look at a man who would bully an 8 year old like that.
Pity the father wasn't around.
Your husband could do with a slapping, might calm him down.
I never advocate violence normally but that behaviour is both nasty and ugly.

Yanbu to feel done. He sounds very stressful to be around.

I said exactly this

He needs taking down a peg or 20 that’s for sure

Wouldn't do it to a bigger man.
He picked a child.
Bullys your children too.
Nasty piece of work.
Screw the diagnosis.
I have several diagnosis in this house and there is none of that ugliness.
Hes a nasty prick who MAY have a diagnosis.
Stop wasting your life with him.
He doesn't deserve it.

I, at least three of my kids and my sister are a mixture of AuDHD or ASD.....you know what none of us are? Cunts.

Being ND is not a free pass on being a cunt. And as he wont actually seek a dx, then I think you need to take his word for it that he is simply a cunt for no other reason than.....he is choosing to be a cunt.

Do with that information what you will. But for your son's sake dont let him think that his father's behaviour can be excused.

My husband and children are on the spectrum. Now I know autism presents differently in many people. It is not though an excuse for rudeness of the sort that you are dealing with here. As it has been explained to me, people with autism sometimes do find it difficult to work out what other people are feeling or thinkg. Your husband sounds sufficiently high functioning that he can work out how that 8 year old felt if he bothered to turn his mind to it. He was being aggressive and I believe he intended to intimidate that boy. He knew he was rude to the shopkeeper.

I do not think austism is not the reason for the bad behaviour of your husband. Even your daughter who you say is ASD could understand that your husband had been unbelievably snarky and unpleasant to the shopkeeper. Your son too tried to intervene in that dreadful intimidation of an 8 year old by a 6 foot 4 45 year old well built man and was threatened in response.

The truth of the matter is that your husband is an unpleasant pig. Counselling with a partner who is this abusive would be a total waste of time. You need a lawyer not a therapist. I am not so sure that your son adores DH either - maybe desperately seeks his approval. But nevertheless even if DS is a miserable for a bit I can't think you can endure this or even contemplate having sex with yor husband ever again. Counselling for the children might well be a better alternative.

Ok, that settles it then. You already know your marriage to this wankbadger is over, all that remains is to set the ball rolling on the divorce.

Your actual issue is your son. You need to convince him that it is possible to adore someone, and find their behaviour reprehensible, at the same time. Because it is.

"He excuses his dads shit behaviour because he loves him and doesn’t think DH can help it if he’s autistic"
Firstly, you don't know if he is autistic. That's your suspicions only, and it's prompted by your trying to find a reasons for his behaviour that isn't just 'because he's an abusive cunt'. It's hard to admit that the man you originally thought you'd want to spend your life with is an abusive cunt, but when he turns out to be an abusive cunt you just have to get on with it, admit it, move on.

And even if he was autistic - is there something about autism that inoculates you against being an abusive cunt? No, there isn't.

"We make a lot of allowances for DD because of her sensory needs etc I think DS now feels if his dad is autistic this could mean he’s blameless for everything"
I don't know how you're going to get this totally erroneous notion out of your son's head, but for his sake that's what you have to work on.

Let's look at it logically. If he'd behaved like this when you first met, he wouldn't have got past the first date - you'd have chucked him without a second thought. And if he is autistic now, he was autistic then. So logically it follows that his abusive behaviour cannot be due to autism, it is a choice he is making. Therefore even if his dad was autistic he if far from blameless.

Consequences. We teach them to our children when they are small. Your husband seems to have forgotten his lessons and thinks his abuse is consequence-free. It isn't. Divorce him, work on your son to help him to see reality.

Being autistic doesn't mean not taking responsibly for your own actions though.

Its not carte blanche to behave like a cunt! He should still apologise and care that he's upset people he loves, even if he doesn't understand why you're upset.

You don't have to put up with being treated like shit if it turns out he's autistic. You still get to decide whether this is what you want for your life. Has he always been so awful? If not, what changed?

And seeing you accept being treated like shit is a terrible example to set your kids - staying together isn't necessarily helping them. What your son wants, you all to be happy together, might not be possible. Do you want your son to think he can also treat people badly because it's 'not his fault'?

This is not the first time he's been abusive to your children. Protect them and get them away from that prick.

Oh and stop making excuses for his abuse. His abuse has NOTHING to do with autism and is deeply insulting and bigoted towards autistic people.

Agree with some others;what really shouts out to me from your posts OP,is not so much that your son adores him (I’m sure he loves his dad,of course) but that your son seems desperate for his dad’s approval and is struggling hugely with the dichotomy of wanting to look up to his dad and get on with him but objectively seeing and knowing his dad is,in reality,a bullying arse who is not a nice person and is very difficult to get on with.

Staying with your DH is massively damaging your children’s view of what a man/husband/father should be and their own self-worth and lots inbetween…
I’d make plans to permanently split - doesn’t sound like anyone is happy and definitely doesn’t sound like anything is going to change for the better. Do it for the good of all of you because it will be.

And DS shouldn’t fear because he won’t lose him - dad can still have all the quality relationship with him (and DD) that dad makes effort for.. (when dad gets over himself...)

Has he done other things over time that are abusive to you and the kids and what are those things. On the face of just those incidents I wouldn't end a marriage although it paints quite a picture of an angry man, but I would put money on him having been like this to you or the kids as well? I think you need to look at the overall pattern of behaviour over time. You could try quiet quitting the marriage for a bit while you do some counselling (just for you to begin with)?

Theres a stray cat we have had visiting for months - put up all the leaflets, checked with vets etc and appears to be happy but stray and he won’t give it any treats because they belong to our own cat

This confirms what I thought about the pool match - it boils down to ownership and perceived disentitlement.

The cat is not allowed treats belonging to HIS cat bc that’s getting one up on HIS property.

The little boy wasn’t allowed to feel good at winning pool bc he was beating HIS children and getting one up on him through them.

If somebody or something happened which affected you, say for example - a man knocked into you at a crowded bar and spilt your drink, but apologised - your husband would probably be seething - not bc YOU were embarrassed and had your drink spilt, but bc he would perceive it as disrespect to him bc you are his.

He sounds absolutely foul.

He sounds unbearable. I would move on. Get therapy for DS and your self

Taking an 8 year old down a peg or two is just so grotesque - especially as your children were happy for the boy to beat them and shows they are clearly far more emotionally intelligent than he is. The fact your son intervened to try to even the score or embarrass your husband for behaving like such a prick is admirable and he sounds like a lovely boy. Your husband seems threatened by anything that encroaches on his ego or by proxy anyone or thing (pet) he has ownership of as they are extensions of him. The autism may explain a certain lack of empathy - though many autistic ppl have hyper-empathy, and from the way you describe I’d say it’s more of a major character flaw than a neurodivergence. He’s just an unpleasant piece of shit.

The kids sound a bit annoying, especially DS, but no excuse for DH's behaviour which sounds miserable to be around, and pretty nasty.

Bit worrying that your DC seem to have got the message that Autism etc. excuse poor behaviour rather than meaning that different tools etc. are needed to behave appropriately. I think letting DS believe that would be really detrimental for him. At 15 he surely knows that he can't get away with treating people badly because of his condition? He should be learning that its even less of an excuse for a 45 year old man.

I think leaving and impressing on DS that DH doesn't have to act the way he is, and that no one should put up with behaviour like that from their spouse, would be good for him, even if it distressed him.

Your D’H’ sounds like a bellend - please tell him to fuck off. I’m sure that and your kids will be so much happy

This sounds like a terrible holiday. Really awful. Think about what a nice relaxing time you could have had without him there.

You can't stay in a relationship because your DS doesn't like change, or is fearful of what divorce might look like. There are so many good co-parenting arrangements that would work for you. Staying in a relationship with someone that you don't like is a terrible idea and won't benefit the DC at all.

I guess it's easier to stay with some if you think they have some type of disorder.

What would it mean to you to have to admit that he is most likely a bog average bully and abuser?

Thought exactly the same as this. He sounds pathetic.

sounds like a dick. What’s he angry about? Has he always been so angry. I don’t understand the abbreviations about DS or DD sorry. Is he your husband and dad of your kids? Either way, what the he’ll is bothering him. He sounds like my partner who smokes weed everydya and goes through withdrawals on holiday. Maybe he didn’t want to be on holiday , what a misery. You deserve someone to enjoy life with you. I know it’s hard. I’m struggling to take my own advice too. Pm me if you want. But yes , they suck the fun out of everything. We only get one life. Remember that.

Don't confuse love and kindness with wanting to keep the peace for safety.

Not saying your ds doesn't love your DH but wanting to keep the peace at all costs is usually a sign of someone who's adapted for their own safety and nervous system. It's called the fawn response.

Children learn they need to appease the aggressive or abusive parent for their sense of safety and for the sake of harmony in the house.

Teach your children that their feelings matter and they are worth standing up to your DH for.

It doesn't matter if your son is too terrified of his dad to stand up to him, or wants to make his dad love him.

You're his mother and it is your job to protect your children. In this case, his father is the danger.

Get them away from this abusive prick.