AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

[HelpMEunderstand0]

I don’t know if I’m over reacting but I actually feel like I really really dislike DH and am questioning the relationship altogether based on a terrible holiday

DD13 ASD and DS15 ADHD

I have ADHD - suspect DH may be ASD but he refuses any testing as says he’s got to 45 just fine

A few incidents have happened and I’m really upset

Firstly we have not been getting on for a long time now and this was meant to be a bit of a deciding holiday as I’m struggling to connect with him at all in recent years mainly with the lack of understanding around the children’s needs or practical help with any of it

So far he has

1. Made DD cry in a shop because DS kept putting a box of Maltesers in the basket that he said were too expensive and ended up tossing them on the side of the self checkout - they then fell on the floor and a shopkeeper asked if he was buying them and he replied “ Obviously not or they would be in my basket wouldn’t they ? “ and left the shop

DD very embarrassed and apologised to the worker

1. A little boy of 8 years old is on the resort and is very good at pool and has beat both my kids in good spirits each time he’s played them. DH said “ Let’s see how good he is then “ and proceeded to floor him, hitting the balls in really hard and a little aggressively. I was mortified that a 45 year old would take joy in beating a small 8 year old and my son then got annoyed with DH and tried to knock the cue out of his hand on the last shot which made DH shout “ if you did that to someone in a real pool match they would punch you in the face “

Lastly, me and DD went to look in a shop at the airport and DH and DS were meant to wait outside

When we came out they were gone so we made our way to the gate thinking they would be there - they weren’t so I called him and he was furious that he had waited outside and we had gone anyway

Turns out he was nearby but not outside so we just missed him by accident but when we got back FD was upset as DH had said “ Well if they’re late it’s their own fault and they’ll have to deal with being stuck in Italy won’t they? “

DS panicked and told us when we met back up with them and DD then got upset as DH had her passport so in her mind we would have actually been stuck

My emotions are really high and I need some outside advice please

He sounds like a cunt. Has he always been so?

your kids sound like they hate him too. He sounds abusive.

He sounds awful.

You need to make a plan. I’d probably start with counselling but you need to put yourself and your kids first. You can then decide if couples counselling is something you want to try but ultimately you’ll probably have to leave to have joy and kids that are happy and not scared.

I was expecting to read that you were just getting on each others' nerves on holiday, but actually he sounds awful.

He sounds like a great big baby and a bully!

DS adores him

Its a massive mess because of this actually

We split last year for 6 months and DS really didn’t cope - it was the main reason I tried again :-(

What a wanker….tried to humiliate an 8 year old at Pool? Just wow…..wishing you luck however you navigate your future my love x

First one, I understand his frustration at having to take out maltesers multiple times where a 15 year old boy is involved. He needs to be firmer/clearer with the boy, it seems. He was rude to the shop
attendant.

Pool? I don’t know. Did you just want him to let the kid win? If the boy was as good as you say, I don’t see anything wrong with him playing him competitively, unless he’s a professional himself or something. I don’t know how pool sam be played aggressively or non aggressively. You need enough force to putt? Not too much not to little. He wouldn’t play well with aggression, I would imagine.

Airport, travelling can be stressful. People say or do things in haste during travel when anxious.
I wouldn’t let this be the deciding factor. However if you have already made up your mind based on previous situation, thrm that’s different.

If he’s autistic but won’t get the help he needs, that’s hard and not fair on yhe family.

All the best in your decision

You can absolutely slam pool balls into the pockets aggressively! Are you confusing pool with golf, which requires you to putt?

It certainly looked aggressive with a 6 foot 4 45 year old well built man is playing against a very small child ( I thought he was about 6 but my son asked him and he said 8 ) when DH is slamming the balls into the pockets with a lot of force

No chit chat - no well done mate to the kid - no conversation - he just floored him

I said after I wished the kids dad had seen and called DH out as it was horrible to watch - DH said the kid shouldn’t play adults if he can’t bear to lose

There’s a real lack of empathy

Theres a stray cat we have had visiting for months - put up all the leaflets, checked with vets etc and appears to be happy but stray and he won’t give it any treats because they belong to our own cat

It’s all very strange

At least it is to me in my brain but then I’m always very emotional so I can’t rely on my own judgement sometimes

Yuck. No, I don’t think I would like him either.

This doesn’t sound good. Often people with no empathy make you feel like you have “too many feelings.”

He sounds absolutely vile..maybe your DS sees himself in his Dad and that’s why he took the break up badly, fears it’s a rejection of him too....now is the time OP before exams if this is an issue…begin to keep a diary of how DH is

It sounds torture to live with

DS is actually a lot more like me

Very emotional and very kind - he just wants mum and dad together or at least in the same house

He excuses his dads shit behaviour because he loves him and doesn’t think DH can help it if he’s autistic

We make a lot of allowances for DD because of her sensory needs etc I think DS now feels if his dad is autistic this could mean he’s blameless for everything

He sound absolutely vile, and cruel. I could not live like that, or put my Children through it either.

Hard to say. With a little less emphasis all of those incidents could be perceived very differently. The neurodiversities you mention for you and DCs and the fact DH does not want to be similarly labelled seems to be an important undercurrent and irritation. You are definitely annoyed by him. Only you know if it is justified.

He sounds really mean and aggressive to me too. If he doesn't want to seek counselling or diagnosis (maybe doesn't even see a problem?) then I don't see where else you can go than permanent separation. I think you have to be decisive this time for your son's sake.

I do understand that his exam year will be holding you back but is it going to be unpleasant at home or can you all mostly avoid your husband for a year? If it's going to be unpleasant then I think having the push you need to leave now is a good thing.

Best of luck. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

ASD doesn’t give anyone carte blanch to be a cunt

Happy to hear another perspective

Can I ask what you mean by a lack of emphasis on these things?

I’m sorry what!!

you are self diagnosing your husband as autistic then you and DS are excusing his behaviour because he is autistic.

No! Being Autistic/ADHD does not give you carte blanche to just do as you please. Yes allowances should be made where they are needed but just no letting that kind of behaviour happen and then teaching your kids its Ok to behave that way cause he is autistic is so wrong. Sorry, it’s just all wrong.

You only mention your husbands behaviour on holiday? Is he like that at home too? Or is he possibly more stressed on holiday & having the children around because day to day he is at work/barely sees them.

You need to still teach your children how to behave. Eg the maltesers thing should not have happened or should have been stopped. They also deserve to know what healthy relationships look like.

Autistic or not your husband did not behave well at all

Your husband sounds like a mean, petty bully.

Even if he is autistic he can still be held accountable for his behaviour! If your DS was autistic, would you let him be rude and aggressive to shopkeepers, or small children? No, you wouldn't.

I don't see how you can possibly have a relationship with a man like this which isn't abusive. And how can you be intimate with a man who delights in beating small children at pool? My fanny would have locked up shop forever at that.

You can't stay in a relationship to keep your son happy. I suspect he would do better without his father around so much. I'd recommend therapy for you snd your kids as you navigate divorce.

Also - stop saying your judgement can't be trusted as you are too emotional. That sounds like your husband talking, to me. Emotions should inform judgement along with logic and experience.

Why do you think you are very emotional at the moment? Probably because you are feeling trapped married to a c*nt. Anxious about what he will do next. Anxious about what mess you will need to clear up next, with children upset and deliberately scared by their own dad. I'd be emotional too. I'd want to weep and weep.

He may or may not be autistic but he’s sounding like an arsehole here.

This was also said, well shouted at by me this evening.

That I am sick of picking up the pieces of the mess he creates.

We haven’t been sexually intimate for a very long time - he is the same at home but on a lesser scale as works very long hours and sometimes away

I feel like I love him as my children’s dad but I do not like him at all

Well, you can love him as your kid's parent and coparent well, then.

You know what to do. I assume you are trying to gather your mental and emotional strength for it.

This Internet stranger is telling you that to leave him would be the right thing to do - the right thing for your kids, and maybe even for your husband too.

Sending hugs to you, and lots of moral support xxx