Overthinking?

[Hi1993]

Hi,

I just wanted to ask if I’m overthinking this? My friend posted on fb about going out so I messaged another friend and said she’s looking good I wonder where she’s off to? And that friend messaged back to say that they’re going out tonight last minute but I didn’t know any thing about it until I asked, she did say then I’m welcomed to meet them but I feel like it’s a bit of a pity invite because I found out about it (these two friends of mine are related to each other and going out with another family member of theirs) I’ve spoken to my mother about this and she said I’m over thinking it and should just go out but I’m just thinking that I wasn’t meant to find out about it and now I’m being invited because I did find out about it? I know I’m an adult but I think I have a bit of trauma from past friendships and things around friendships do affect me more than they should sometimes but I’m just going back and forth whether I’m the problem or not at this point and what do I do? I’ve lost so many friendships in the past and I try and people please now like it becomes beyond.

Yes, you are overthinking it. You didn't 'find out' - she literally posted she was going out online! Being as they are all family members, more than likely they were doing something as a family and last minute decided to go out. I would base going on whether you want to or not! Do you like the other family member?

I wouldn’t be offended. I have a close friend who I occasionally see with another friend but she also sometimes sees that friend on her own. Never any offence taken by any of us.
ETA I probably wouldn’t go as I hadn’t been asked originally but I wouldn’t be offended by any of it.

Heya, yeah there’s a group of 5 of us ladies and 2 are family members and the other 2 are away at the moment (on separate trips) and I’m just at home, so I’m close to the two family members I don’t really know the 3rd family member met them a few times but that’s it really, I text then to the one I’m closest to to say that is she going too and she said yeah and for me to come if I’m free and I wanted too but I just keep thinking it’s got to be a pity invite now because they would have asked me wouldn’t they in the first place before they actually were out, I went out with them loads last year I was invited everywhere and I just start to think then there’s something wrong with me and they don’t want me out now and I just feel like I’m losing friendships all over again due to being unlikable, sorry that was a long reply

Hey, yeah my mother said the exact same (34 years old and still go to her for everything haha) she said that they probably just thought they would invite family tonight but I can guarantee if the other girls were home from their trips they would be asked - I just feel like the outsider of the group which is fine but I just keep going back to past trauma regarding friendships in my life (been to therapy about things loads of times) but it has just genuinely hurt my feelings and I’m thinking again this group just doesn’t want me around anymore either

There’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt but I think that’s your past trauma speaking so I’d try and not let it sour your current relationships.
ETA were never too old to go our Mother’s for advice. I’m 46 and still get advice from my mum, to her annoyance I don’t always take it but appreciate her opinion!

Life is going to be very long and difficult if you continue to ruminate on every perceived slight.

Why did you message Friend 2 to talk about Friend 1? Seems a bit unnecessary. Friend 1 openly posted on FB, so it's not like she's hiding it.

Why couldn't you leave a 'Looking good. Hope you have a great time. Where are you off to?' comment on her post?

That’s what my mam said too don’t let this ruin the friendship you have with them because of one time they haven’t asked to do something but again the past trauma loves to tell me it’s me and I’m the problem haha, that’s so true! Haha always go to her for everything!

That’s what my mam said too don’t let this ruin the friendship you have with them because of one time they haven’t asked to do something but again the past trauma loves to tell me it’s me and I’m the problem haha, that’s so true! Haha always go to her for everything!

If the three friends are related I would think they were at a family gathering today and decided to go out just today, no invitations given as it was last minute and thought people (you) might already have plans or didn’t want to pressure you last minute, they posted they were going out (so not hiding it from anyone) and when you messaged thought they would ask as it had come up in conversation and not just an out of the blue invitation.

*sensible me thinks this but overthinking me would feel the same as you and feel I wasn’t wanted but I know this is ridiculous🤣

Yeah I think that’s how I need to see it just feel really left out (so sad coming from a 34 year old, wish I was an adult already haha) but yeah my friend said she wasn’t meant to go and it was last min but I went out with the 3 of them last year and now it’s like I’m forgotten about but again I do over think for the UK, just wish I didn’t feel so hurt by it thank you for messaging!

Why does it matter? They asked you. Do you want to go? If yes, then go. If no, then don't go.
Do you really think it will make you feel better to sit at home thinking about this? Cutting your nose to spite your face comes to mind. And even if it is a pity invite (spoiler alert, they don't exist in an adult world. Nobody will volunteer to go out with someone they don't want to see), it's not going to stop you having a good time out unless you are dead set on it ruining your night.

Yeah I totally understand what you’re saying and that I don’t need to look into it as much as I probably was, I didn’t end up going out as it was late as it was and wouldn’t have been out until about 9 and I’m not a late owl anymore haha I just keep thinking that they planned to go out the other girls were probably invited because they’re all a lot closer I came into the group a bit later so I just feel like they couldn’t care less if I was there or not you know and it’s just hurtful and I can over think until the cows come home, I try not to let things affect me too much by my mind tends to think for me even when I’m trying to just get on with things, sorry long winded reply again!