Grieving yet another family member while they are alive and well. Anyone else?

[Mistymeg]

I’m pretty sure I will have zero family soon. It’s not what I wanted and I don’t think the void of having no family will ever go away. Despite being successful and having children of my own, I still grieve for a family, wonder what it would be like and am envious of those who have them (which is most people). Anyone else? Honestly I always said the best part of this life is no grieving when they actually die. How morbid.

Dad - died now and I shed a single tear the entire time he’s been gone. I was actually secretly happy he died before I started maternity leave as I wouldn’t have been granted bereavement leave if baby came first. I deserved that time to myself after all he put me through. Everyone at work lavished me with sympathy flowers and vouchers; I accepted it all and said nothing, because no one gave me sympathy when he was alive. Thats the sad thing in life. I didn’t need support when he died…

Mum - raging alcoholic; was no mum to us, I looked after her. Dad drove her to drink she says and I fully believe her; he was a horrible man and bully. Again she didn’t protect us from him and nor he protect us from her. She’s alive but in ill health and barely makes any effort. She means well and is perfectly friendly but bloody useless. Met my eldest twice and youngest once… the pain post partum of suffering the way I did and not having a mum to help was heartache and grieving all over again.

sibling 1 -the latest one I’m grieving for. He was awful to me in childhood, selfish, bully and no parent to step in but in adulthood I was really was there for him when he was single and depressed. Seems being selfish never left.. when DF died this DB put something in sibling WhatsApp about getting the safe opened, wrote the quote and we all agreed we need to find out what was in there. Was such a mystery we all wanted to know. One day we found out DB had gone to the house and cracked it open with DSIL and emptied the contents; taking it back to their house only to tell us 10 days later. When two of us had something to say about it they cut us out. I’m so angry at them, they gave so many pathetic excuses about it being booked last minute and no time to tell us, that I wouldn’t have gone given I live so far and have kids - no but a video or FaceTime would have been asked for.

we never had cousins growing up as my DPs siblings on both sides wanted nothing to do with them. No surprises there, we’d have been shot of them too if we could.

This one hurts as I wanted a different life for my kids with cousins and auntie and uncles and I have decided to let go and accept it’s not happening.

Have two other siblings but not going to make this even longer and there’s a story there with each.

AIBU about this latest incident? The cheek of them playing the victims, cutting us off and saying we are all accusing them of being thieves, which no one did btw DB just kept saying that and ended up us reassuring him.

Big families have their own issues. There’s always someone who feels aggrieved in them.

You’re successful and your children are happy and doing well? Count that as a huge blessing.

Your sibling and SIL have shamed themselves, they will carry that shame with them, all for a few silver coins. Don’t let them live rent free in your head.

Good I just needed someone to agree that they were in the wrong as their defensiveness after the fact tried to get us to apologise. It’s made me think it was even more premeditated. In fact; I wanted to put it to one side and still see them at Easter with the kids but DB ignored my message to meet. I’m completely done with them now. I’ve accepted my children won’t know theirs. It’s history repeating itself.

For the record friends and DH and DHs family have all said what malice the safe opening was. Everyone else agrees but what shi* luck to have this as family. I am lucky to have my beautiful children and life success; my other siblings have barely made it out of our childhood in one piece. The burden is real.

I know blood is thicker than water and all that, but I'm struggling to see how you are losing out by stepping back from your siblings. It sounds like you all had a hard time growing up, but I think your best efforts should be focused on your own home, family and children and last, but by no means least, yourself.

It’s my kids losing out on cousins. I did try to say my piece to DB and SIL, probably was stern saying SIL had no right to be there not being an executor of the will and that it was a breach. I was firm no one was accusing them but it was badly handled. I’m the bad guy. Gaslighting or what.

Could you reach out to your aunts, uncles, cousins and wider family?

There’s a part of me that believes that people are the product of their own environment. With parents like that, I’m not surprised that your DB turned out the way he did. DF was a bully - DB became one. YANBU to feel shit about that either and grief is probably the right word for it.

I have the opposite. Very very close family (mum dad sibs cousins nieces nephews). Due to horrific abusive relationship a crap distant relationship with some of my adult children. You have your children that are close to you. I’d give my right arm for that. You are truly blessed. X

It’s my life goal to be close to my DCs. I’m here to break the cycle.

Tbh the more I think about it I’m not grieving for him or our relationship, because there wasn’t much of one. I’m grieving another hurdle in breaking the cycle.. because my DCs are young and I wanted them to have cousins in lieu of grandparents on my side.

I think when you are raised in a toxic environment the consequences are not a rearing, but pure survival.
Irrespective of socio economic grouping, the result/emotional damage is largely the same.
Profoundly damaged humans that are collateral damage of a toxic union.
Obviously poverty will undoubtedly exacerbate the damage further.

The normal ties of siblings are fractured, as the focus was to somehow just survive the daily shit show of growing up in turmoil.

The DNA is shaken up every time a child is produced, and some personalities are much closer to the parents in character than others.
Some will deal with the chaos better than others too.
Some will thrive despite it, some will barely survive.
Education is a casualty for many.
Trauma from childhood can contribute to various adhd like symptoms presenting.
It's a real mess.

OP, of course you are sad and grieving, wanting the ideal family to surround your children.
Very normal.
I think you need to pat yourself in the back for all you have achieved.

Thank you @Epdrenchingi appreciate this, very wise words and accurate. How do you have this knowledge? I do pat myself on the back and feel lucky. I just cannot believe the bad luck with family, I didn’t even go into the other two siblings, they’re struggling profusely. I’m angry my eldest brother has done this… I could never… it makes me question everything, how two siblings can be so different. I’d never sacrifice my entire sibling relationship or future of our children’s relationships with cousins for what they did. Their defensiveness is the worse part.

I understand it because I have experienced it, but from a very comfortable MC perspective.
The damage is real to the sibling relationships and irreparable.

We have each built successful lives financially etc., but the damage is real and the connections fractured.

I understand your sadness but remind myself of all the positives, of which there are many.

Keep reminding yourself of your children's very different experience of growing up.
Unlike you they will wear their childhood lightly, a wonderful privilege that you have gifted them.