AIBU- partners family overbearing

[JustAGirlxo]

Hi all,
I’m 6 weeks postpartum and starting to feel really overwhelmed by my partner’s side of the family wanting to see our daughter so frequently.
My partner is the only boy and has several sisters, all with children, and they’re a very close family. His sisters and their children regularly go round to his mum’s house, so I feel like there’s an expectation that our daughter will naturally fit into that same dynamic.
What makes this harder for me is that before I was pregnant and throughout most of my pregnancy, his sisters barely made any effort to keep in touch with me or my partner. Now our daughter is here, suddenly everyone wants to be involved. His sisters are talking about how close they were to my partner growing up and how they want their children to be close to our daughter.
I completely understand wanting the cousins to have a relationship, but she’s only 6 weeks old. I feel like there are already expectations being placed on me about who she should be close to and how often everyone should see her. At times, it honestly makes me feel like I was just the incubator to produce the new baby for their family, rather than being the baby’s mum with my own family, friends and life.
Before she was born, my partner and I agreed we didn’t want lots of people passing her around. Despite that, his family were at the hospital and we had back-to-back visits during her first 2–3 weeks. Everyone has now met her, some multiple times.
There were also apparently conversations between his sisters during my pregnancy about how they probably wouldn’t see the baby much anyway, and that my partner could just bring her round without me. His mum also mentioned boundaries around the baby before she was even born.
We then had a two-week break from visiting his mum’s. His mum told my partner she hadn’t seen the baby for two weeks, and another sister apparently said she’d only seen her once when she’d actually seen her twice.
Now there are already more requests to see her again. This week alone I’ve had his sister round, his auntie round, his mum wanting to come and now another sister asking to come and see her.
I’m just thinking, she’s 6 weeks old — does everyone really need to see her every couple of weeks?
I’m not stopping anyone seeing her. I’ve told them they’re more than welcome to come to our house. What I don’t want is the expectation that we should constantly take her to his mum’s, especially after the last time when everyone was there, she was passed around, people were taking photos, and when we wanted to leave there were comments about cousins who hadn’t held her yet. I hated it and felt like I had no control over my own baby.
My partner actually agrees with me that she’s too young to be constantly passed around and that we shouldn’t be chasing people to arrange visits. He doesn’t even regularly go to his mum’s himself.
I’m starting to wonder whether they’re struggling with the fact that they’re the paternal side, while I’m the mum and naturally our daughter will spend most of her time with me. She also has my side of the family and my friends. My partner being the only boy and this being his first child may make them particularly invested in establishing their place in her life.
I’m not trying to keep them away from her. I just don’t want our lives to become “you haven’t seen the baby for two weeks, so we need to arrange another visit.”
Am I being unreasonable, or is it reasonable to expect them to let their relationships with her develop naturally rather than putting expectations on me and our daughter from the beginning?

I think being an in law is tricky, you say they didn’t make an effort before to see you, I wonder if you kept them at arms length?
they are now making an effort and that isn’t working either.
It’s a balance, that you all need to work at.
Maybe start the suggesting what works for you.

It’s nice that his family is making an effort but I understand why it feels overbearing. Baby is still young so hopefully the novelty will wear off a bit. Maybe make some plans of your own (with your side of the family, or with friends) so you have a legitimate excuse to avoid seeing them so much? And if you dislike baby being passed around so much, I would recommend baby wearing to get togethers in future.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable. They all sound very over-bearing. It does seem cheeky that they had no time for you at all before you had the baby but now the baby has arrived, they have unreasonable expectations of how often they will see the baby.

Don't be scared to say no, that it isn't convenient for them to visit. The baby needs to get lots of time bonding with you without being taken away to be passed round like a parcel by his sisters.

They dont sound too bad tbh, a little overbearing but not awful. They will care more about the baby than you I'm afraid as she's a blood relative (i don't mean that in an awful way but I was told the same when I had my son and they were all being weird). I felt just like an incubator too for my in laws relative and that no one had time for me until I was carrying a baby they were interested in. People who'd never visited us were wanting to come over and meet the baby, it was weird.

I'd just chill things out a bit and enjoy the rest of your newborn time how you want to. Make plans with other people, delay their visits, combine 2 visits together and also it's perfectly reasonable not to want baby passed around loads when she's so young. Plenty of time for them all to spend time with her when you're all settled and out of the short newborn phase! I wish I hadn't wasted my newborn weeks seeing people that I didn't even normally spend time with.

How often do you see your side.of the family

Mumsnet isn’t going to be on your side I’m afraid. The resounding sentiment on here is you don’t matter, or your feelings. The baby is most important and all family is entitled to see your baby whenever they want because it’s there grandchild/niece/2nd cousin.

You need to communicate with your partner how you are feeling and ask him to set boundaries. As there is not any at the moment. Your mental health post partum and you and your partners bonding, with your daughter, is the most important.

If they’re asking to come round all the time-I’d direct that to him. They can visit when he’s home and he can organise it as much or as little as he want. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen my in laws without DH!

I agree with this.

It would also seem that you are just from two different sorts of families.
Some families (his) like to hang out together, and all spend time together. Others who perhaps aren't use to this vibe can find it a bit much. Doesn't make either side right or wrong, just something you have to work out how to balance.

I also think things will settle down once the novelty has passed. I mean, tiny babies do change and grow a lot in the first few weeks and months, and it sounds lovely to me to have so many people ready to love your little one.

You just need to work out what boundary is important to you, and stick to it.

You and your partner need to decide an amount that is comfortable for you. We have a routine of seeing ils about every 3-4 weeks and sil / bil every 4-6 weeks (usually together)
if they get in touch and you don’t want to see them just say sorry we are busy but can do X date