AIBU to feel heartbroken that my husband does not want another child?

[Poppy545]

Hi
I know it’s probably bad to feel better if other people are going through the same thing.
But I thought you might be able to help me deal with my feelings.
Long story short my husband doesn’t want another child. We already have 2. I’d like one more. I feel so so sad about it. Our children are 5 and 3.
We didn’t experience that idyllic newborn bubble with either of our children. First baby born in lockdown. Got an infection and was readmitted for 5 days.
Second baby had to have serious surgery at 2 weeks old so we didn’t get home until he was 3.5 weeks old. But then actually didn’t even go home as we went to live with my in laws as our house sale had gone through. I get on with them but they’re very overbearing and it was stifling.

I dream of my two eldest playing whilst their little baby sibling is snoozing in a bassinet in the lounge and having that newborn bubble everyone talks about.

can anyone please help me get over this, I think it’s making me depressed. I don’t feel like our family is complete but I also understand I can’t force my husband. He’s a great dad and husband so no issues there. He just feels like we’re complete.

I don’t know what an idyllic baby bubble is - I just remember feeling knackered, elated and then depressed running between the 2 kids. Inevitably the oldest woke the baby up by shouting/ crying/ playing and tbh it was a complete nightmare. Is this a new thing? my kids are in there 20’s and we all (my friends and I) felt the same.

Ultimately neither of you are unreasonable- however you do have 2 wonderful children with a man who is a brilliant Dad.

WTF is a newborn bubble? All I can remember is being exhausted, body a mess, and regretting my life choices 😉. Also trying look after a newborn while two other kids fight/whne/demand attention ain't that great!

Gently OP. Stop believing everything you see on social media. We all know (and you do too when you think about it) It is 99% bollox. I’ve had 3 and tbh at 6 & 3 there is absolutely no chance of idyllic baby bubble. The reality is that there will be a lot of trying to grab your attention whilst they come to terms with the new ‘ space invader’.. absolutely normal but far from ‘idyllic’

Idyllic newborn bubble?
What's that then?

You say this isn't what you signed up for, but people are allowed to change their mind, especially those who were on the fence to begin with. You husband has made it clear that two is enough, and you know you cannot force someone to have another child if they don't want to. You need to find a way to move on from this, be appreciative of what you already have which is more than some people can dream of.

Mythical!

And you’d be wrong to do so. You don’t have a baby to make someone else happy. And you knew he wasn’t set on a third so this is what you signed up for, and you hadn’t you wouldn’t have your kids at all.

Focus on the here and now. Give affection and attention to your existing children. Talk to them, read to them, play with them.
Put silly notions of "idyllic newborn bubbles" which don't exist, out of your head.
Being depressed about something which may never happen is foolish.
Enjoy what you already have.

Thank fuck for that... thought I'd been short-changed
Twice 😂

😂😂

I sympathise OP. Part of wanting a third child for me was laying to rest a ghost from post partum with my second. And no, nothing is guaranteed.
Most women would have 1 more child. Most men would not. Give it time and see if either of you change how you feel.

How do you know your newborn will be “snoozing in a bassinet” while your other two DC play?? More likely that they’d be screaming or your older children would be wanting your attention or wanting to go out.

I was lucky enough to be a SAHM when my DC were young but I certainly don’t remember any idyllic newborn bubble!! I remember being sore with my first, in hospital with my 2nd (prem) and exhausted with my 3rd after a very prolonged and painful labour.

Why not turn things round and think about them positively?:

First baby born in lockdown. Got an infection and was readmitted for 5 days
”My first baby was born safely during a global pandemic. I was lucky enough to survive a postnatal infection which could have killed me in the past. Aren’t we both so lucky”

Second baby had to have serious surgery at 2 weeks old so we didn’t get home until he was 3.5 weeks old. But then actually didn’t even go home as we went to live with my in laws as our house sale had gone through. I get on with them but they’re very overbearing and it was stifling
”My second child survived serious surgery when only two weeks old. We moved in with my in-laws temporarily, which was great because our house sale had gone through, and if we hadn’t been able to move in with them, we’d have been homeless with a tiny baby who’d just had serious surgery. How fortunate!”

Both of those are good reasons why you could have another child. They are not, in tvhemselves, reasons for why you want one.

Yes, especially "easily fit another into the house".

There is no bubble with no3
Especially with school going children!
It’s exhausting and most of the time you’re wishing the time away until things get easier.
No 3 won’t be easy for you or your two other children, your reason for wanting a baby is to heal the past! Crazy plan

I have one child. When she was an infant, she screamed every single second she wasn’t touching me. She didn’t sleep unless she was touching me. She screamed when her father held her. She screamed like she was being murdered in the car.

imagine that with two other children in the mix.

There is no guarantee of a lovely newborn bubble.

But what if it’s all a dream & there’s no idyllic newborn bubble this time either? What if your two kids behave like brats, and you also have to cook, clean, do school, even work… And have a small baby (what if the baby isn’t easy?). There’s a lot riding on this perfect little baby! It’s okay to be sad, DH might be right.

Sounds like my baby. Throw c-section recovery & breast feeding madness into the mix, too! There was nothing idyllic about it…

I feel that you're probably going to surprise him with being pregnant again anyway.

I've had 5 children and never had an idyllic newborn bubble! In my experience, managing 2 small children and a newborn is anything but idyllic in real life 😂 it honestly gets harder with each one because school & nursery runs, after school activities, cooking meals and doing all the laundry etc means that you rarely get a chance to just sit and cuddle your baby!

Your husband isn't wrong for not wanting more children, nor are you for wanting a third. But children need to have 2 parents who want them - you have two wonderful children so maybe now's the time to count your blessings and be grateful for what you have? My DH would have liked one more (honestly I think he'd have liked about 10!) but I was definitely done after number 5.

If you are down about not having a third child then having another might make you feel better. If you are clinically depressed then a pregnancy and new baby will not be a cure, it might make you significantly worse which would be painful for all of you.
You say you would try to do something to make your DH happy, but you want to do something which will make home more stressed and possibly depressed.
You are now part of a family and decisions need to be taken for the benefit of that unit as a whole. It is good that you have a big enough house to have a third but that doesn’t mean you should.Third, or third and fourth if you had twins would mean, potentially a larger car to get three child seats in. It would probably mean an extra room every time you went away. It would reduce what you could spend on your existing children on hobbies, school fees, university costs, help with property purchases, weddings. It would reduce the time and attention you can give them as they grow up and you get to know them as people.

I've only heard of this "newborn bubble" idea recently (and I'm still quite a young mum and yes social media existed long before my first pregnancy!) and it seems quite dangerous for some, like the idea you should get caked in make-up for a first feeding photo/have the perfect birth/shouldn't have friends and family round to help/have to be back in your pre-pregnancy clothes straight away.
As in, aside from the very rich, few people are going to benefit from it, and it sets unrealistic expectations, causing unhappiness. Kind of like how we're told you didn't give birth properly if you had a CS-never mind if it saved your baby's life!

Yeah, this mythical idyllic newborn baby bubble pased me by twice.

Get off social media and enjoy the children you have. Do not have another baby in the hope of a glimpse of your existing children playing whilst the baby sleeps in the bassinet.