AIBU to feel heartbroken that my husband does not want another child?

[Poppy545]

Hi
I know it’s probably bad to feel better if other people are going through the same thing.
But I thought you might be able to help me deal with my feelings.
Long story short my husband doesn’t want another child. We already have 2. I’d like one more. I feel so so sad about it. Our children are 5 and 3.
We didn’t experience that idyllic newborn bubble with either of our children. First baby born in lockdown. Got an infection and was readmitted for 5 days.
Second baby had to have serious surgery at 2 weeks old so we didn’t get home until he was 3.5 weeks old. But then actually didn’t even go home as we went to live with my in laws as our house sale had gone through. I get on with them but they’re very overbearing and it was stifling.

I dream of my two eldest playing whilst their little baby sibling is snoozing in a bassinet in the lounge and having that newborn bubble everyone talks about.

can anyone please help me get over this, I think it’s making me depressed. I don’t feel like our family is complete but I also understand I can’t force my husband. He’s a great dad and husband so no issues there. He just feels like we’re complete.

Concentrate on all the things you'll get to enjoy with the children you have. Talk to your husband or a friend about how you feel. Neither of you are wrong in how you feel.

Gently, OP, you’re doing that classic thing of ‘This time it will be different!’ Vanishingly few people experience the ‘idyllic newborn bubble” you appear to think everyone has experienced but you (my newborn stage with DS was very difficult because of an infected CS scar, no milk supply and FH being made redundant), and it would be completely mad to have another child in the hope that this time you’ll somehow have it.

Combat your fantasies by thinking about your two existing children getting far less of your time and attention, or being jealous and finding the transition difficult. I mean, it’s just as likely an outcome.

What you’re fantasising about is just that, a fantasy.

You know from past experiences that child birth, babies and things completely out of your control can alter your predictions.

I’m really sorry that you didn’t get the two maternity leaves that you wanted, but you do have two healthy DC and that’s incredible!

Even if you got pregnant quickly there would be a 6-7 year age gap between your oldest and youngest. The oldest therefore is more likely to be pissed off that mum is too busy feeding the baby to play with her, or host play dates, or drive her to the trampoline park or whatever. Your eldest will be learning to drive when your youngest is in primary school, so they’ll be at different stages throughout their life and maybe that won’t matter and they’ll be best friends, or maybe when your eldest asks for driving lessons and you can’t afford them because you’ve just paid for three lots of school uniforms and school shoes, they’ll be annoyed you had a third.

I get that the desire for a baby can be all consuming, but don’t mix up fantasy and reality.

I’m sorry you had pretty stressful newborn experiences with your older children but I know no one who talks about an “idyllic newborn bubble” with their first let alone with number 3!

You are fantasising about something that is very unlikely to exist.

New babies are lovely, but gently it’s wrong to have one to try to “fix” previous disappointments.

What happens if you have number 3 and it doesn’t go as you plan?

What are his reasons? And do you agree with any of them?

I dream of my two eldest playing whilst their little baby sibling is snoozing in a bassinet in the lounge and having that newborn bubble everyone talks about.

And yet experience should have taught you the reality can be very different.

It seems that your issues are understandably concentrated around the difficult starts of your first two children and I think it would be wise to seek counselling around this to help with this.

It would be unfair to any child to be born to help manage a parents expectations of what a newborn period should be like. Your third child isn't going to be a newborn for very long. They're going to quickly grow up into their own person with their own personality. It seems your desire seems very much focused on the initial newborn stage.

What you're describing is a fantasy. I really don't know anyone who had this "idyllic newborn bubble". Most people I knew found it difficult and hard. And furthermore with two older children, you aren't going to be sat around in this little idyllic bubble where your newborn snoozes happily while your children play. You're going to have two older children going to school, nursery, parties, play dates, needing fed and their own bed and bath routines. Like most subsequent born children, they'll most likely spend their early days strapped to a car seat or sling, fitting into the routine of the older two.

YANBU to feel upset and grieve the third child you probably won't have.

He is NBU to feel that he is done. Ultimately, you can't make someone want another child. :(

But WTF is the 'idyllic newborn bubble'? I gave birth 20 years ago and have genuinely never heard of anything like that. With my first, I was on a ward for two days and nights getting no sleep because all the babies took turns to cry. Once home, it was me, DH, the baby, the dog, and anyone who happened to feel like popping in; a blur of feeding, mood swings and no sleep. DD2 was born at home a couple of years later, and my parents arrived an hour later. I then had a jealous toddler and a baby who cried constantly for 14 weeks. Unless I'm very much mistaken, this is pretty much the norm!

What idyllic newborn bubble are you on about ? Surely having had 2 kids already you are already aware that having a newborn is a bit chaotic .

What makes you think you’d get a newborn bubble next time? Especially with 2 other kids, that’d just not realistic.

The newborn bubble is a myth.
What happens if things don’t go the way you’re fantasising the third time? A fourth baby?
It’s fine to want another baby and to be sad you won’t be having one but your reasons are NOT good reasons.

YABU - idyllic newborn bubble is absolute nonsense. Concentrate on the kids you do have.

With respect, I think you have made up ‘idyllic newborn bubble’. I’ve had several kids and have zero idea what you are talking about.

The newborn just gets to sleep and 5mins later you have to drag them up to stick them in the car to either drop or pick up the eldest from school, then have to juggle a kid doing a reader, a toddler who is toilet training deciding they need to go/or not and changing their mind 100 times in 5mins and the baby decides it’s hungry at the same time.

Even for my first, I can’t recall whatever you are talking about. It was just a case of wondering wtf this little thing was, and wtf it wanted, and wtf to do, hardy ‘idyllic’.

I think you have something in your mind that doesn’t exist in reality.

Where do older children fit into this "bubble" anyway?

I remember with my first spending a lot of time sat down, watching TV and him sleeping on me and he had horrendous CMPA and reflux and me PND so it definitely wasn't an idyllic time. By the time my 2nd came 3 years later, there just wasn't time to do anything of this. Trying to settle a newborn to sleep while a child plays was impossible. And the OP has two children already, surely she can see adding a 3rd is going to be anything but this calm, idyllic "bubble"!

And when the third birth doesn’t go the way you want, will you want to try again, and again?

I don’t know what reasons people have for choosing the size of their family. I’d have loved to have a larger family, probably because that’s how I grew up up. I hadn’t ever considered how it was for my parents, or siblings. Thinking about it now, I could never inflict “middle child’ syndrome on a child. I could probably not deal with the kind of shit my mum had to deal with, so just having one seems like the best solution. I wish my daughter had a sibling, but she has other people in our family so she’ll never be alone. I certainly wouldn’t base the size of my family on a snapshot image in my mind. I never got to have the typical first birth experience. I missed the bit where I held my baby, with my husband by my side and we became parents. That has bothered me over the years, but not to the point where it would be the reason to have another.

I was lucky to have 2 trouble free deliveries and still didn’t have the newborn bubble. I hated it!

Two kids is lovely. Life is expensive. When you get to the teenager and uni years, the cost of children rises exponentially. Hotel rooms and transport is easier. There are many advantages to just sticking at two.

I’m not sure if this helps op but basically you want a do over.

I do understand how you feel because I have felt the same. Things didn’t go as I’d have liked with either of my two. My first born I had to go back and live with my parents because I was a single parent, second I was with dh but we got suffocated by visitors and it really ruined those early weeks. I failed at breastfeeding both times.

But like others have said, there’s no guarantees how things would go with your third. You can make so many happy times and memories with the children you have.

I think childbirth can be quite a traumatic experience for women so those early weeks can really effect you long term.

When your newborn is outside playing with the older two you’ll still be dreaming of another new born snoozing in the bassinet. It doesn’t go away if you just have one more.

I had a lovely time with both my newborns and loved mat leave/baby/toddler years.

I was also very keen for number 3! Husband alas less so. Yes it is sad for me that I didn't get my ideal, but there are pros and cons to everything. We have more time/energy/money/headspace for the 2 weeks have for sure.

Eldest is 9 now and I'm (mostly!) over it

That longing for something you see other people have isn’t going to go away by having another baby.

You might have number 3, then you’ll see FTMs and wish you could be like that again.

Or your youngest is starting school and you feel a pang seeing another mum with a newborn.

You just have to accept the next stage, lots of people feel the same way.

You could literally be pregnant or have a baby and still have the same kind of feelings. Then it’ll be sadness that this is the last time, and whatnot.

Newborns grow up so are you going to keep on having them

OP, acknowledge that it is a dream - quite probably even a fantasy. If I’m honest, part of the reason why I kept going after 3 mcs, determined to have DC2, was because I wanted to know what it felt like to go into labour naturally, not be induced. Well that worked out rather differently- I had a cs.

The reality is that you may well have two upset, potentially quite jealous older DC, who both demand attention while you’re trying to deal with a newborn.

I dream of my two eldest playing whilst their little baby sibling is snoozing in a bassinet in the lounge and having that newborn bubble everyone talks about. This is a fantasy. Having a newborn when you already have a 3 and 5 year old would be absolutely chaotic. Do you dream about your 2 eldest fighting for your attention and likely fighting with each other while you see to a screaming newborn who has colic or wants fed or changed while everyone's tired from broken sleep?

What happens if you don't have that idyllic newborn bubble with number 3? Will you long for number 4?

Do you have a big enough house to give 3 children their own bedroom?

Can you afford to help 3 kids through university?

Can you afford a bigger car, likely needed for 3 car seats?

I loved the newborn stage and I guess I had that idyllic baby bubble, didn't stop me feeling sad about not having a third but I had to let my head rule and decide that for the good of the children I already have and my family 2 was enough.

Ah, the wonderful ‘new baby bubble’. Well, bits of it were nice, others were hard work and some were fucking terrifying.

Yanbu to want more.
however I don’t think anyone gets that newborn bubble fantasy ? in my experience of three babies, It’s tough going with your own recovery, establishing breastfeeding, looking after older children plus new baby etc. for me each newborn season was increasingly chaotic as more people to look after! have you asked your husband for his reasons and discussed them x