AIBU to feel heartbroken that my husband does not want another child?

[Poppy545]

Hi
I know it’s probably bad to feel better if other people are going through the same thing.
But I thought you might be able to help me deal with my feelings.
Long story short my husband doesn’t want another child. We already have 2. I’d like one more. I feel so so sad about it. Our children are 5 and 3.
We didn’t experience that idyllic newborn bubble with either of our children. First baby born in lockdown. Got an infection and was readmitted for 5 days.
Second baby had to have serious surgery at 2 weeks old so we didn’t get home until he was 3.5 weeks old. But then actually didn’t even go home as we went to live with my in laws as our house sale had gone through. I get on with them but they’re very overbearing and it was stifling.

I dream of my two eldest playing whilst their little baby sibling is snoozing in a bassinet in the lounge and having that newborn bubble everyone talks about.

can anyone please help me get over this, I think it’s making me depressed. I don’t feel like our family is complete but I also understand I can’t force my husband. He’s a great dad and husband so no issues there. He just feels like we’re complete.

Well the reality of your situation is that DH doesn't want a third child, and he has every right not to want one, just as you do to have one.

And you can't make him want another one if he doesn't want one.

I understand it must be hard for you if you feel you really want another though so I do feel for you.

But your choices are, find a way to deal with being happy with the little family you already have, and stop daydreaming about having another, or you leave your DH, split your family up and try and find someone else to have a 3rd with. Which I am going to assume is that last thing you want to do, and not really an option that you want to take.

You need to find a way to reframe your thinking. Think of all the lovely things that your little family now gets to do, and the freedom this will give you in a few years to have a little more time together as a couple and the lovely family times you have ahead of you. Plan nice things, days out, Birthdays, Christmas, family times at home, things you do together to make memories together with the kids that you will still all talk about when they become adults.

The newborn stage is nice, granted, but the best, IMO, is yet to come.

Stop picturing the bassinet and start picturing other lovely scenarios with your DH and the DC that you already have.

And the newborn bubble is a myth and I don't know anyone who experienced this, so I think you need to give yourself a reality check there, and if this is really making you depressed then I think you need to get some kind of counselling to help you come to terms with the sadness and loss that you feel, and enable you to look to the future without another baby in it.

I think also that if you do have the idyllic newborn stage again, thay could just make you want it more and reminisce more. This is how it is unless you have a very large family, you have to stop at some point 🤷‍♀️

Do you want a baby to experience the ‘idyllic newborn bubble’ because you feel you’ve missed out on that or do you actually want another baby?

You can't birth a whole person who you will be financially and emotionally responsible for for 18 years just because you want the newborn bubble.

I am sorry for what you have been through. But I don't think "wanting an idyllic newborn bubble" (is that even a thing?!) is a good reason to have a 3rd child.

Outside the insta filters, the real world goes on for pretty much all new parents, with it's normal challenges and pressures

You’re being naive, I don’t know anyone who talks about an idyllic newborn bubble. You’re even less likely to get something like that with a 3rd.
Instead of them playing happily while the baby peacefully sleeps it’s more likely to be them constantly asking you to play, you saying no because you need to feed, change, settle the baby. Or you’re too exhausted to take them out for the day properly. Or dragging a 4 week old on the school run, or taking an older baby on the school run when they want to be napping.

Having a do over of the newborn stage is a ridiculous reason to add another child to your family, even without the DH being against it.

Having a child is about much more than a fleeting (imaginary) moment in a "newborn bubble". I think it's a bit of a weird thing to base a decision to have a third child on.

I don’t know anyone who had an idyllic newborn bubble, and certainly not with No 3 - more like short bursts of calm undercut with periods of chaos.

But even if they had, that period is v short lived.

You’ve got 2 beautiful children and years of fun together ahead of you. Enjoy it.

The newborn bubble is a social media construct. 99% of newborn phases consist of babies that can't be soothed, sore nipples, bruised genitals and no chance for a shower. Newborn babies are admittedly delightful when not crying, but making life more complicated and more expensive permanently for the sake of a few weeks of newborn cuteness isn't sensible.
A genuine hankering for another child I can understand. My DP said he only wanted one, and I viscerally hurt at the thought of never giving DC 1 a sibling.. Luckily for me, a slightly drunken night of lackadaisical contraception solved the problem. But I knew it was right to stop after two, even though I would have loved another little baby to snuggle. We have been able to give our 2 enough attention to develop their own interests and personalities, and financially although we are not wealthy we have been able to afford some holidays, school trips, kit for hobbies etc, and we have saved enough to top up their student loan to the full amount. I think stopping at 2 was right for us and to have another would have been me fulfilling my own wishes at the expense of everyone else. That is not to say nobody should have more than 2, of course - everyone should do what feels right for their family - I am just trying to point out the benefits of stopping at two. You want to experience an uncomplicated 'newborn bubble', but there's no guarantee you would get it, and project a few years - do you want three huge and expensive teenagers? Wouldn't two be easier?

I don't remember having an idyllic newborn bubble with any of mine.
Theres no guarantee that you would have that next time either. Would you want to keep trying and trying for it?

What is this idyllic newborn bubble you speak of?? I must have missed the sign-up for that! DD nearly died at 6 weeks old and I had PND after DS.

I get wanting a 3rd, I did but DH said no. Unfortunately time wasn’t on our side as I was in my late 30’s early 40’s when I suddenly decided I needed another. I had to accept it which was hard but the feeling did pass.

You don’t say how old you are but could you not just wait a couple of years and then bring it up again?

There isn’t an idyllic new born bubble - especially with two older kids.

You're craving a specific experience. But A) it never really looks like that Hallmark, Insta-perfect experience and B) children are SO much more than that fleeting newborn life.

I personally think having a 3rd child should be more about wanting a bigger family experience for the long term - Are you financially able to commit to a 3rd? Do you have a big enough home? Do you actually crave raising 3 teenagers at once? Supporting 3 young adults into uni, buying homes and having marriages? Could you do it all alone, if you had to? So much to consider beyond the newborn bubble you are imagining.

Good luck with your decision x

WTF is the “newborn bubble”?! Sounds like something that only exists on Instagram to me… I don’t want to belittle your feelings because it’s a deeply personal issue how many children you have, but the newborn stage is only a few weeks or months at most, so wanting to do that bit again isn’t a sound basis for a decision.

Babies turn into children who turn into teenagers who turn into young adults etc. You can't give birth just for that newborn stage you might not even get! Your husband is totally right on this unfortunately.

I thought it would have been obvious that I don’t want a third baby purely to enjoy the newborn stage again.
I’ve always wanted a larger family. My husband always seemed on the fence so for him to be so against another is not what I feel I signed up for.
other reasons I’d like a third:

• We have a large house so could easily fit another
• we should be able to afford another child in the mix and still be able to have nice holidays etc

I just think if my husband was depressed over something I could solve like expanding the family I would do it!

Rather than thinking about a newborn sleeping peacefully while two elder siblings play you might want to change it to imagine your newborn peacefully sleeping but you need to wake them to take the eldest to school and the younger one to nursery....the baby then starts crying as they have been disturbed. Your elder ones need help putting shoes and coats on as it's also pissing down with rain. Baby cries the entire school run.
Maybe not so idyllic after all.

Your DH was on the fence, meaning he may, or may not have been open to it but wasn't sure.

And why should he do something he clearly doesn't want to do just because you are depressed? Why do your needs come before his?

Guilt tripping him into another could well make HIM depressed. Or do his needs not count?

You're not unreasonable to want a third baby and your husband isn't unreasonable either.

However children need to be wanted by both parents. Guilt tripping your husband into saying he should give into your demands so you're not depressed is grossly unfair. A child is a life long commitment, there needs to be more thought put into it then simply cheering you up. Any theoretical child is a person in their own right . They aren't responsible for your depression nor should this be the reason they are brought into this world.

And it doesn't matter what you "signed up for". You said your husband was on the fence so it was never a given. And people's opinions and ideas can change over time. You have two children already, your needs and desires don't trump those of your husband.

Gebtly, I think your last sentence is a bit worrying, a baby isn't going to solve your feelings. What if this one doesn't have the 'perfect bubble? Will it be a longing for baby 4? I think perhaps you need to see a therapist to talk things over, you are probably more mourning the 'perfect newborn' moments that you feel were taken, than actually needing a further child.

If you look back at your opening post you concentrate almost entirely on the newborn stage - hardly surprising that’s what people have responded to.

Forcing a spouse to have an additional child against their wishes would not be in the interests of the child.

But your whole OP was about newborns and your last experiences of the early days…

It’s definitely disappointing, but after two kids I’m not sure it’s fair to say this isn’t what you signed up for. You do have two lovely children already, you can’t just sideline/dismiss the family you already have in favour of a hypothetical third baby.

Kindly put, your DH isn't responsible for solving your depression; only you can do that.

No-one is owed or entitled to a child, but every child deserves to be fully wanted by both parents, not created as a 'pity baby'.

I just think if my husband was depressed over something I could solve like expanding the family I would do it!

I hope you wouldn’t have a child that you didn’t want just to please your DH! That’s no way to bring a child into this world.

I assume you are using the term “depressed” colloquially, but if you’re not, having a baby won’t cure your depression and could even make it worse.

For what it’s worth, my DH actually changed his mind years later about a 3rd but by that time I was mid 40’s and definitely over the idea! So your DH may change his mind too once your kids are a little older.

I think many women secretly long for another baby.Life is very busy and hectic though and 3 DC is hard work! Many people dream as you do .Upshot is though babe would be awake and the older two probably not playing quietly! If you like dogs maybe a pet would help ? I think if you are happily married then best not to push for a 3rd I think