Don’t remember the 1st year of my DS life, so ashamed. How can I turn my life around?

[greendusk]

Our DS is just about to turn 1. He is our second born and to say motherhood didn’t come naturally to me with him as it did with our DD is an understatement.

8/9 years of infertility and recurrent loss, our DD was born just before my 30th birthday. The peace I felt was like nothing is ever experienced before. Suddenly, we had this precious baby that we’d longed for and we got lucky, she slept through from 2 months, no health issues, met her milestones ahead of expected, she’s now 3 and besides the usual tantrums, she’s an amazing child. She loves to read, to comfort people and peers, she’s caring, funny but bold and confident.

We were ecstatic to find out I was pregnant again with another healthy baby, he was born and my world came crashing down. I didn’t get that initial rush of love until he was a few months old but even then it felt like it came out of guilt. He’s been hospitalised many times for recurrent bronchiolitis, he’s dairy intolerant and other food allergies. For the first 6 months of his life he slept in a swing chair because of his reflux. We had gaviscon, omeprazole, dairy free prescription formula and none of it made a difference to reflux. Looking back on those days of taking it in turns to sleep on sofa in the living room with DH whilst he slept in a swing chair makes me shudder. He’d still projectile vomit at least twice, neither of us got anymore than a couple of hours sleep a night, his chair was more often than not covered in sick which led to it being cleaned and dried once a night with a vax in the early hours and then dried off with a hairdryer. We own our own business. I was left a lot of the time with baby and DD until she started preschool in January this year for 3 days a week 9-3 and DH was single handedly running business on such little sleep.

At 6 months old, we had a turning point when weaning came in to play, yes he has some allergies but he slept longer, no more reflux and he became a happier baby.

I knew that I loved him but I didn’t feel joy like I did with DD, with this came a lot of sadness and guilt and I reached out to my GP who referred me to the perinatal team. I have since been diagnosed with PPD and OCD. I already have depression and anxiety and have been medicated for this since I was 13 (bad childhood).

As my son is about to turn 1, I can’t remember a lot of his first year and it’s eating me alive.

I started gambling online, I don’t drink or smoke but it’s got out of hand. I’m fully addicted to it now and I don’t know what to do, I’m so ashamed of myself.

DH and I are at breaking point.

The summer holidays have been horrific, I’ve been so depressed that I feel the kids have missed out on so many days out (not expensive ones I mean I’ve been to anxious to leave the house to even go to the park).

I’m desperate to stop gambling on the slots, I’m desperate to feel better, the only reason I wouldn’t currently end my life is because I wouldn’t leave my 2 children with that trauma (a lot of childhood trauma has ruined me as a person). I also wouldn’t want to leave DH.

I’m still currently being trialled on different meds so my moods are up and down.

Added to that, I’m 6 weeks pregnant after contraceptive pill failure due to me being stupid and taking two weeks worth of antibiotics for my tooth and forgetting to use extra protection. We cannot have this baby and I’m booked in to start termination process next Wednesday although if I can actually go through with it, is another matter. We have a 2 bed and cannot currently afford to move anywhere bigger and also we cannot afford a bigger car, my mental health is on the floor and it would not be fair to add another baby to the mix.

I feel absolutely hopeless, I want to start exercising but cannot imagine going to a gym/swimming etc alone. The anxiety eats away at me, some days I can barely leave the house and I haven’t driven in almost 4 weeks because I’m convinced I’ll crash or somebody will crash into me and hurt the children. I have so many horrible thoughts in my head that I don’t know what to do with them (all outside triggers, not me hurting my children or anything like that).

I look at my little boy and he’s beautiful, he’s wonderful, I love him wholeheartedly but he deserves better than me and so does my daughter. I’ve been a failure of a mum the last year.

How do I forgive myself? How do I stop gambling when it’s the only thing that seems to make me happy (temporarily until I inevitably lose what I’ve won - if I win).

How do I go ahead with this termination when my mental health is at an all time low as it is, I don’t know whether it’ll be relief or utter guilt and shame that I got rid of our baby. I can’t guarantee one way or another how I’m going to feel and I’m petrified of falling further down.

As we approach our son’s first birthday, I look back and can’t remember a lot at all. It’s like I’ve blocked it out. I could cry and cry and cry through shame and sadness and guilt and just utter exhaustion of where I continuously beat myself up.

How do I get through this? How do I turn my life around so my children have the life they deserve? I don’t feel strong enough and I’m scared that I’m unable to get the fight back in me.

Oh OP, this sounds so awful for you. You have been ill, and you still are, so don’t be so hard on yourself.
People have terminations for a huge variety of reasons, but on the whole it is because the family lack the resources in one way or another to be able to accommodate a baby, or another baby. You know that you are already stretched beyond what you can currently manage, and that your existing children would suffer if you were to continue with pregnancy. You are doing the right thing. You have a very valid reason to end the pregnancy and you don’t need to feel guilty.
Meanwhile, can you contact your local Homestart? Their volunteers are great for supporting parents and families get out of the house. They will come with you to the park. It will only be for a few hours a week, and there may be a waiting list, but there is help.
As for the gambling, you can get support with that too, ask your GP to signpost you for that. You’ve admitted your struggles here, which is a brave step, and you can do it again.
You really just need to focus on your own health, which will put you in a better position to care for your children.

You give yourself grace, first and foremost. Sleep deprivation is awful and real.

I feel your ocd and perfectionism is coming into play with how you have to experience your babies first year and this you should ask for help with.

You have valid reasons for a termination and maybe need some therapy for this and the ocd. Can you spare any money towards this ?

You can get through this with support, you may have to ask and ask but there is support for you.

hugs

My love, this sounds awful for you. It does sound like a difficult start with DS.

Priority is to get off the gambling (I don't know much about this but I understand there are charities that can help).

Please do not feel guilty about going ahead with the termination. There's no shame in prioritising your existing children and your mental health.

Other than that, do you have any family support?

And... small steps. You have to start. Drop the guilt. A couple of hours at the park. What's local to you? I know you are really struggling and I've been there. Sometimes doing the thing is just what we have to do.

I had twins

i Don’t remember most of the first year. There was a lot of vomiting and nappy changing I remember that and a lot of watching tv at 2am.

you aren’t a bad mum because you don’t remember the first year.

my kids are fine. As am I.

What a brave and sad post.

@greendusk who knows about the gambling? That sounds like the first priority to get help for since much of your anxiety and depression will now be resulting from this ongoing vicious cycle.

Your son is loved and well cared for. That’s enough. Not all of us are lucky enough to have sweet memories of that early stage. There plenty of time for lovely memories to be made.

Keep talking to your DH and health team and please call the Samaritans on 116123 if you need a non judgmental stranger to listen and support you.

You poor love. I just want to hold out my hand and let you know you are not alone.

You sound absolutely traumatised and rightly so. You've been through so much and it's no wonder you feel like you do.

I am no psychiatrist but this sounds a lot of trauma based, have you looked into ptsd? Just with you saying you don't remember a lot of your son's first year. EMDR therapy is really good for this. It sort of resets the brain.

I wouldn't be surprised if your gambling addiction is due to your ocd and stress. When your life is so out of control, your mind looks for things it can control and a lot of the the time, this is where addiction starts. It is a mental way out of the daily grind and horrible feelings. To let go and be reckless. But unfortunately this is also now coming out of control. Mine was eating. And shopping. It might be different but I recognise some of these feelings.

It will get better and you've made your first step by making this post. Reach out for help and dont be ashamed. You've been through so much, give yourself a break lovely.

Ah OP, you’ve had a rotten time of it. Don’t be hard yourself. It really doesn’t matter that you don’t remember his first year of life - he won’t either!
What does matter is that you don’t convey your different feelings about your children to them. That is really important. You don’t have to worry about the past but focus on the future.
Best of kuck. I’m no expert on gambling but delete the apps and give your bank cards to your husband/mum etc so you have no way to access the games or to pay?

Hi OP

I had an Online slot addiction, so understand how awful it is. I stopped 8 years ago, and have not gambled since.

Immediately go yo Gamstop and block yourself from gambling sites, then go to Gamcare, thete are forums on there and lots of advice, then go to your back account and block gambling sites.

You can get through this, you can stop. I felt absolutely hopeless in my addiction, but I am out the other side.

Gambling is a way of self medicating, I think you are possibly depressed, so a trip to the Dr as well.

Don’t ruminate on the past, look to move forward. You can’t change the past, but you can change your future.

I feel so desperately sorry for you. You don't have anything to feel guilty for- you are doing your best in very difficult conditions. You deserve compassion and support.

Keep engaging with support for your mental health- try different medications, try counselling, try forcing yourself outside once a day, even just for a few minutes. Does anyone in your real life know about your gambling addiction?

Please be kind to yourself. What would you say to someone in this position? You'd rightly tell them that it isn't their fault, they are ill, and you can see they're really trying to get better. That it won't be like this forever. I know people that were sectioned with severe PPD that ended up living happy full lives and have great relationships with their kids.

Not many people get through that level of sleep deprivation unscathed. Your kids won't remember any of the practical things at this age (like how often they went out), they will remember feeling safe and loved.

Having an termination because it's not the right thing for the rest of your family including your current children is a completely valid, rational and sensible choice - you are being a good mum and putting them first.

Having a baby with reflux is such such hard work.

One of mine (out of 4) had silent reflux and she’s in her 20s now, it nearly broke us. Please be kind to yourself and get as much support as possible for each of the issues as well as overall mental health support.

Have you reached out and got all the help ?

gamble aware is a charity in the uk
put all the blocks on your card and websites

have you told people and csn you get to a gamble group like AA - some are on line

the meds will take a while

my kids haven’t been anywhere due to no money don't be hard on yourself

that first year is a blur for most mums please be kind to your self

can you make your social media help you with positive stories of people who have bounced back from you situation and block all the (fake) perfect parents ones

I think you’re very brave. I also think you posting means you want to make it better. You can do this and there is hope. There’s some great advice here. I’d try and focus on one thing at a time. It may feel overwhelming to try and start solving everything at once. Small steps - focus on what you’re going to do tonight. Then tomorrow focus on doing one thing you think will help you feel better. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up - it won’t help you or make you feel better. Accept that you aren’t going to suddenly feel better and you may go backwards some days, but know baby steps will take you one step closer to feeling more yourself. Keeping my fingers crossed for you

Get to Gamstop.

tell your partner about the gambling. It is an addiction and you’ll need help to stop but if you can, that will turn your life around.

Hi OP, it doesn't matter at all if you can't remember the first year of their life. They can't remember it either and you have successfully got them through it. That is what counts. It is only when you have children that you realise how difficult it was for your own parents to get through that first year with you. You are doing so well. You do need to stop gambling. People never win, the house wins and makes money from all the people. I know it is so difficult to stop something that you enjoy. You may need to sign up to the gambling equivalent of alcoholics anonymous. I can't remember what it is called. I think this post is a really good cry for help. You have done so well to get through these years and raise your beautiful children. Life is not easy and you need to look after your own mental health. It is very difficult to receive mental health support from the NHS. Might be worth going to A and E if you feel low and see if you can get any free psychiatry or a prescription for anti depressants. It can take take time to find one that suits you. Put yourself first for a while. You need to be well to support others around you. Keep posting. There is often good and supportive advice on here. Xxxxxx

I wish I could give you a hug OP. You're not a failure. You've been struggling through an extremely difficult set of circumstances.

You ask "how can I forgive myself". There's nothing you've done that needs forgiving. Instead, you deserve empathy - from others, and, eventually, from yourself too.

Can you access therapy? Particularly as you mention having a difficult childhood yourself - that adds a whole extra level of difficulty to life.

You can overcome this. Start with being kind to yourself and seeking support.
Contact beacon reflect counselling trust. They’re an incredible service that anyone can access and will help