To be upset my mother has let me down?

[Chefpig]

My mum has always said she'll come and sit my pets while I'm away. She has a habit of always putting her husband first, even though he doesnt. He puts his family first each and every time.

I organised a holiday, she said she'd pet sit at my house (will include staying over as I live a few hours away) and so hotel booked, flights booked and she's now saying she can't come and stay because her husband can't fend for himself for a week, meaning he can't cook. I made absolutely sure she was ok to do it before I booked.

She's suggested she has them at her house but her husband is a chain smoker and I don't want them to firstly have to sit in the car that long as they hate it and then breathe in all his smoke and come back smelling of smoke (had this with previous pets). They've said previously he wouldn't smoke in the same room as the pets but he did and a huge argument occurred because they said its their house and he'll smoke in it if he wants to, despite promising he wouldn't.

She also refused to stay with me after I'd had surgery recently, despite offering and I ended up being alone the day I came out of hospital because she had to go back with her husband after they dropped me home as he had work the next day. I could barely walk or function for 9 days after! I was grateful they came over to bring me back from the hospital, but I could've done with some help overnight.

My mum lets me down quite a bit and I feel really sad she never puts me first, always him and in the past, she even put his family first too.

You will have to compromise and take her offer of looking after them at her house . Give them a bath when they get home .

You can’t change her behaviour only your own. Maybe stop factoring her into any major decisions and come to other arrangements for your care and your animals care.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that she is not going to put your needs above her husbands needs. It sounds like you are struggling with this so you may need some professional help to resolve these issues.

It expensive isn’t it. Well for my dog to stay in someone’s house it’s £500 for 2 weeks. I don’t know how much it would be for someone to come into your own home… slightly depends on whether you have a house somewhere that someone would like to stay and you feel is comfortable. I had teenagers come in to feed my cat while we were away.

Sounds like you need a broader social circle of friends who you can call upon. ( and obviously that you would be there for ) You’re continuing to expect something from a person who has shown you that she cannot / is unwilling to provide what you want.

I had this with my dad when he remarried after my mum died, they came as a pair and I never got time alone with him. Didn't help that she's really critical and pushed us away. I'm really sorry. It really sucks and I'm getting counselling. I've had to mourn the dad I had and accept a different relationship.

Lots of humans, so I would assume animals too, get wheezy with sprays and perfumes. They can be dangerous for asthmatics. This is why they're not allowed in schools. Im surprised as an adult that you dont know that.

They’re not kennels in the old sense. They’re boarding houses. My dog used to have a great time at this lady’s home (she was a professional dog boarder). She’d send me photos of her while I was away so I could enjoy my holiday knowing she was fine.

Those plug in air fresheners are really bad for dogs as well. (Not very nice for humans either).

Unnecessary.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset. The issue is her agreeing and then subsequently letting you down. She should not have agreed as basically nothing changed - she just changed her mind.
I think for the sake of your self worth, you should take a big step back from your mother and make no expectations of her whatsoever. She is happy to let you down in favour of her partner to an extreme extent and as her daughter, that is not good for your self esteem (but reflects poorly on her not you)
When she gets in touch to invite herself (and her DH!) again, say yes if you want to and it is convenient. Any hesitation in your mind or if you feel it will make you feel worse, say no.
As others have said, what goes around comes around and when she needs something, I would not prioritise it unless I wanted to independently of her need.
She is not the mother you deserve and you are better off simply accepting that is the way it is, than try to fight a loosing battle. Cultivate local friendships so you have others to rely on.

I’m not the poster you are asking but yes it does but it can lessen with time. You are making it worse by not just sorting your own arrangements out though , you are at this stage letting her hurt you (and I know why so it’s not a criticism). Less time with her, less telling her things. She can’t be the mum you want which is sad but it’s a bit like getting bitten by a snake and, instead of running away, going back to the snake and having a chat or remonstrating with it - it won’t understand and will bite you again.

You are picking at a scab as you get a perverse pleasure from the pain, it’s a bit addictive. My mum does a bit of a version of this with presents, promises stuff and never buys the thing, it’s like making the offer is as good as doing the thing.

Did you get a pleasurable dopamine hit when you posted that? Hope it was worth it.

My mother didn’t remarry, but she made promises she failed to keep. She offered to mind my toddler when I went back to work for 2 days a week, but would cancel the night before to say she was meeting the ‘girls’ for lunch, or forgot she’d booked a hair appointment the next day. I had to put DD in nursery full time eventually as my boss told me I couldn’t keep taking emergency annual leave. It does gnaw at you, and in my case had to watch her provide regular reliable childcare involving regular 2/3 nights a week for my niece. I do sympathise, protect yourself by ruling her out of future favours. And remember you don’t owe her any favours either, these things work both ways

Get a pet sitter, tell her how hurt you sre and go low contact. Remember this if she needs your care in the future

If you have pets it is your responsibilty, not that of a parent who has her own life elsewhere.

Many people with no family support pay pay pay for absolutely every damn thing under the sun.

Can't say I did really.

@Chefpig I've had similar from my own mother who offers to do something and if you take her up on the offer, she'll inevitably either say she can't do something when it gets close to the time. A one hour hair cut in the middle of the day for example meaning she couldn't possibly confirm if she was able to do something that would take 30 minutes and didn't need to be done at a specific time that day or my sibling might need a hand with something non urgent so she'll have to let me know. I gave up in the end and came to the conclusion she like to pretend to offer help so she can be perceived as a good mother, but in reality didn't want to do any of the things she said she was happy to do. I ended up having to chop and change plans that many times , I stopped taking her up on these 'offers'. I was constantly doing stuff to help her and I was feeling increasingly resentful that even the slightest thing I took her up on was cancelled and other people would come before me every time. It's shit but at least I know now just to make other arrangements and not involve her at all. She seems bitter about the fact I've distanced myself from.her after being let down time and time again.
It's not you, it's her

It's the fact her mother agreed to do something for op, then as soon as op has acted on that promise, her mother back tracks, leaving her to have to run around sorting out an alternative. She was let down and it doesn't sound like a one-off.
If the ops mother just said no, sorry I can't do that. Then op could have arranged a pet sitter or boarding from the get go, she might have spent less on the holiday to accommodate the extra costs she might have booked different dates to line up with the availability of the pet care. She might have decided she couldn't afford the holiday after all.
At least when you know you have no support you can plan accordingly, it's shit when people offer the support and then back out, leaving you to pick up the pieces

And plenty of people have family or friends who kindly help out with pets.
The point is that people should't make a commitment, whatever that might be, and then let the person down last minute.

It's also clear that the OP is genuinely hurt by her mother's broader attitude so kicking her when she's down is unkind.