To be upset my mother has let me down?

[Chefpig]

My mum has always said she'll come and sit my pets while I'm away. She has a habit of always putting her husband first, even though he doesnt. He puts his family first each and every time.

I organised a holiday, she said she'd pet sit at my house (will include staying over as I live a few hours away) and so hotel booked, flights booked and she's now saying she can't come and stay because her husband can't fend for himself for a week, meaning he can't cook. I made absolutely sure she was ok to do it before I booked.

She's suggested she has them at her house but her husband is a chain smoker and I don't want them to firstly have to sit in the car that long as they hate it and then breathe in all his smoke and come back smelling of smoke (had this with previous pets). They've said previously he wouldn't smoke in the same room as the pets but he did and a huge argument occurred because they said its their house and he'll smoke in it if he wants to, despite promising he wouldn't.

She also refused to stay with me after I'd had surgery recently, despite offering and I ended up being alone the day I came out of hospital because she had to go back with her husband after they dropped me home as he had work the next day. I could barely walk or function for 9 days after! I was grateful they came over to bring me back from the hospital, but I could've done with some help overnight.

My mum lets me down quite a bit and I feel really sad she never puts me first, always him and in the past, she even put his family first too.

this, sadly this. She has told you who she is.

Stop relying on her. She may want to help but she clearly can’t / won’t. So stop expecting her to.

I found reading “The emotionally absent mother” by Jasmin Lee Cori enlightening. It was my first step in letting go of the image of my mum that she couldn’t/ wouldn’t live up to. Even though that image was made of pretty standard stuff.

Book your pets in with the sitter. Head off on your holiday and enjoy every minute of it.

I can honestly say my mum has never once let me down, if I ask something in advance it will happen, my dad likes to do diy when she stays at mine to pet sit...cooking a poor excuse my mum will leave my dad a few made meals and the rest he will fend for himself..same for my siblings nothing like knowing you have one totally trustworthy person. Funny enough I had an emergency op on Thursday last week and mum dropped everything and dad re arranged his work for 2 days and she came to stay with me after and all weekend which was really appreciated

Is there any chance your mother finds your pet sitting standards too high maintenance and doesn’t know how to back out of it?

I’m sure this has made OP feel better lol

How many times does she have to let you down before you accept that you should never trust her to do what she says? If she will always put him first and he seems to resent anything taking her focus from him, then you will always be last.

I am so so sorry that it is like that, it shouldnt be. But it is. And the sooner you accept that you can never ask her for anything, the easier your life will be.

I have a mother who was never the mother she should have been and its is the hope that kills you. The hope that eventually she will love me as she should, that if I just find that one thing she wants me to be, then she will love me. But she never will because it isnt about me, just as it isnt about you with your mother.

Its about them and their own selfishness. Therapy helps, it really does. And in the meantime, ask for nothing and dont accept any offers of help from her, so at least she doesnt have the opportunity to let you down yet again.

Are you sure she isn't just blaming her husband when she might have just changed her mind? She might have realised it's too much of a trek and didn't want to say so and blamed her husband.

This is hurtful and the fact you have brought it up with her and she's dismissed you and done it again is appalling. Go on your holidays, book the kennels and distance yourself from your mum.

It's rubbish that she has let you down but honestly, I wouldn't expect my mum to travel a few hours to come and stay at my house, leaving her husband at home, to look after my pets while I went off on holiday.

She shouldn't offer to do it and if she does it again, just decline her offer and explain that you don't want to be let down at the last minute so will make alternative arrangements.

Gently OP, I think you need to accept that you can't rely on your mum for broad favours. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or that she doesn't recognise that what she is doing is unfair, but in her world it is apparent that keeping the peace/preventing potential problems within her marriage is key.
My mum was the same for years.
I think she is on the autistic spectrum (I know it is trendy to label everyone, but my mum really does fit the criteria on so many levels) and it took me so long to realise that in her world keeping the peace within her marriage had to be the number one priority. It was a rule for her, passed down from her own mother, and she followed it. I think half the time my step father might have grumbled a bit, but if she had just done the thing she wanted/promised to do, he would have dealt with it just fine, but she never tested it to find out.
That only changed when I had my daughter and my step father, who really has been awful to me, said something horrible along the lines of: "why would I send a card? The thing is nothing to do with me." and my mum didn't visit us for four weeks trying to find a "good moment", even though I had horrendous PPD and a C-section that wasn't healing properly, but once she did come up, and she held my baby everything changed for her. It was like she had a new rule: Alice comes first.
I can ask for things for Alice that I could never have dreamed of asking for for myself, and now mum visits often and leaves ready meals in the fridge for her husband. It has limits, and she still struggles to rock the boat too much, but I can see the change in her. It was never about love, I know she loves me, but her obligation was always so firmly fixed on her husband and the vow she made in front of her friends and family.

You have every right to be upset and feel let down, you have been let down and multiple times too, but I'm sure it isn't really about you and that if she could get past the roadblocks in her own head, your mum would do things differently for you. ❤️

did you ever have a good relationship? Feel put first? It's not clear if she has been a good mum, and that seems important. Very kindly, I think therapy could be helpful to help with your hurt but also, once children are adults, parents do get to have different priorities.

Read ‘Let them’ by Mel Robbins - it’s liberating and might help you to let go of the hope that your mum is ever going to be how you want her to be. Just expect no help from her. But then … you need to make your life strong in other ways. Build a strong social network and cultivate relationships with other family members - give and take - help others in time of need too.

Good luck with holiday - enjoy.

@JustMeSimply -did you mean to be so cruel? Why didn’t you just say ‘my mums better than your mum’?
@PyongyangKipperbang agree with you

@Chefpig She has shown you who she is. Pull back from her -don’t ask her to do anything for you as she will let you down. Leaving you when you got out of hospital is bloody awful. Phone her on a Sunday for a chat and just work on building up good friendships and relationships in your local area. You can’t rely on her for anything -you will feel better when you accept this -can you have any therapy?

I feel sorry for your mum having such a demanding partner.
It would be easier all round if you didn't rely on her simply because you can't.
Sad.
Is she a loving mum when he's not involved in plans?
Don't mean to be intrusive but she's your mum.
Look out for her.

Does she also choose her husband over you at Christmas?

You knew she is unreliable … and you’re annoyed she’s unreliable?

solution= don’t rely on her. Problem solved.

I had a parent like yours. It is hurtful. My only advice is to be your own best friend. Put yourself first and foremost.

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I posted recently about her refusing to leave her husband at Christmas but inviting herself at new year as soon as she knew he'd be away visiting his family. I also never see her on her own as she won't leave him behind even for a day so he's always there.

Is he controlling her? Are these her decisions or is he pulling the strings? I know people who pet sit in another house see it as a holiday but not if it’s nearby. I’d never ask anyone to stay snd look after pets. We had one and didn’t, I’m afraid they are your responsibility and responsible pet ownership is getting another arrangement in place. Plus not everyone likes animals but I think your DM is in a controlling relationship.

I really do agree with this. We have a family member who has really high expectations and is very exacting and demanding about how her wishes are carried out.

We would not agree to do something and let her down as the OP’s mother has done but we do mostly say no to her now as her expectations are beyond our capacity.

There is definitely an element of this from the OP’s side. There is a lot of demands on how things need to be to meet her exacting standards.

You brought up your other thread @Chefpig There is no way many women would leave their husband at Christmas as you got a lot of answers explaining on your other thread.

There are two sides here. As you were told on your other post you do need to broaden out your life because you are expecting too much from your mother.

Stop relying on her. And tell her that you're going to stop because she lets you down.

You're right to be hurt and she should know why.

Perhaps your mum agreed initially but then realised she didn't want to spend a week alone in your house hundreds of miles away from her home. I don't think I would like it either.. So she is using her husband as an excuse.
She was wrong to agree to it in the first place though , perhaps she wanted to help you? but at least she hasn't backed out completely from looking after them., just in her own space. I can understand why you are not happy about that. So you should make other arrangements this time and never ask her again

Don't make any future arrangements expecting practical help, it's not worth the disappointment.

If you can't now get a pet sitter/ boarding in this time, you may have to take the pets over. Next time book a professional and factor it in as a holiday cost/ logistics.

What was she like prior to the husband? Has she always been flakey/ played favourites or has he introduced a difficult dynamic?

Are you 10 years old? Pay somebody to look after the pets.

I remember your other thread... you live at the seaside and they regularly stay with you throughout the year to make the most of that? I'd be stopping those visits - they're using you.