To be upset my mother has let me down?

[Chefpig]

My mum has always said she'll come and sit my pets while I'm away. She has a habit of always putting her husband first, even though he doesnt. He puts his family first each and every time.

I organised a holiday, she said she'd pet sit at my house (will include staying over as I live a few hours away) and so hotel booked, flights booked and she's now saying she can't come and stay because her husband can't fend for himself for a week, meaning he can't cook. I made absolutely sure she was ok to do it before I booked.

She's suggested she has them at her house but her husband is a chain smoker and I don't want them to firstly have to sit in the car that long as they hate it and then breathe in all his smoke and come back smelling of smoke (had this with previous pets). They've said previously he wouldn't smoke in the same room as the pets but he did and a huge argument occurred because they said its their house and he'll smoke in it if he wants to, despite promising he wouldn't.

She also refused to stay with me after I'd had surgery recently, despite offering and I ended up being alone the day I came out of hospital because she had to go back with her husband after they dropped me home as he had work the next day. I could barely walk or function for 9 days after! I was grateful they came over to bring me back from the hospital, but I could've done with some help overnight.

My mum lets me down quite a bit and I feel really sad she never puts me first, always him and in the past, she even put his family first too.

I can't imagine anyone would think you are being unreasonable, has your mum said you shouldnt be upset?

Will you still be able to go away?

It is upsetting that she has backed out of the original agreement but she has still agreed to look after them. I do love pets, I have pets myself, but I’m sure a week with a smoker is not the end of the world. Better than kennels in my opinion.

She has a go at me if i bring it up so I don't anymore.

I can put the pets in boarding but I feel let down by my mum when shes always said she'd come over and look after them.

Also, previously, we fell out because she used to have them at her house but when her husband said he doesn't like them (they're not trouble at all, he just doesn't like animals of their type), she said they couldn't stay again.

It's not suitable. One of them gets chesty if any deodorant is sprayed or candles are lit etc so I'm very wary of things that will get on his chest and have stopped doing lots of things so he doesn't suffer.

She sounds like she feels that she's stuck in the middle, so she agrees to help you then feels bad that it means leaving your her husband. Perhaps you just need to accept that the distance makes it a big deal and stop asking her. Your relationship would be better.

Annoying but let them go to their house this time and then don't bother asking again.

chesty because of deodorant? I mean I don't mean to be rude but are you ok?

Yep im fine, but why would I allow a pet to suffer if sprays get on his chest and make him wheezy? I'll do anything I can to make sure he's happy and healthy. It's just responsible pet ownership.

It’s awful she has let you down - hope you can find an alternative solution.

but I think you know this is a pattern - she’s not reliable - don’t ask for her help again.

hard… as you should be able to ask your mum for help and should be able to trust her when she says she will - but just don’t put yourself in this position again when she is not able to keep her word.

Get a pet sitter and never rely on her again. My mum remarried and I knew where I was in the pecking order

Don’t ask for help again. Someday she will need a favour and you’ll know exactly what to say!

I suppose it's just an excuse but if the problem is he can't cook for himself (pathetic IMO) then batch cooking could be done for the freezer plus take aways or ready meals are an option. A grown ass man should be able to manage for a week or two!
The main problem is your DM is unreliable and doesn't keep her promises so don't depend on her. She obviously puts her DH first all the time or is under his thumb. Shame. Unfortunately you can't expect her to be the mum you'd like her to be.

Why don’t you just book a pet sitter? Dropping in when you’re local is one thing but driving for hours to stay alone for a week to watch some pets seems like a huge ask when it’s easily solved. Your mum would probably rather pay the however much it is a day for someone else to check on them!!

I have a cat with asthma so I completely agree with you not taking them to sit in a house of smoke.

It will be an allergy. Mammals have similar problems to humans.

I wouldn’t rely on her again. What a shame

What animal? Bit annoying when you're vague.
Board them or just let them go to hers. If they don't like the smoke they'll move away from it. It's warm weather so your mum will be able to open the windows and let them air, your pet will hardly be trapped with the husband hotboxing it.
Text her something sympathetic but state you're disappointed she has said she would do it, you planned around her and now she's let you down. Next time don't bother offering!

Never ask her for anything again or believe her. If she gets upset then just say "mum, I can't rely on you, but thanks for the offer" she will be pissed off but it's the truth and she should feel uncomfortable. She clearly just likes to say she will do it and her husband is a prick. Is he controlling her in other ways, finances etc?
Just tell her to remember this/how she is prioritising him when she needs help later in age because clearly he won't be caring for her?

It is awful that she repeatedly agrees then lets you down but now you have to start accepting that is her. You have acknowledged that her husband is her priority now you have to integrate that into how you interact with her.

Book kennels etc,

Im not sure what to say about the hospital one because really that is usually family who step in there.

I will say that you do have a lot of expectation of your mother and maybe given how she lets you down you should not.

I would lessen contact with her. She sounds like a shit mum.

Did the hurt burn and gnaw away at you? It does me to the point my mental health is very poor.

It is unfair of her to walk back the agreed arrangement.

ETA - we are talking about pets here. It is not unreasonable for humans to be prioritised above animals.

I suggested batch cooking for him and she refused saying healthy things he needs to eat because of his health condition won't freeze well. It's basic healthy food. No dietary requirements whatsoever.

YANBU to be disappointed. But you also need to lower your expectations of your mother - as the saying goes, when people show you who they really are, believe them! Your mother has shown you that she is selfish and unreliable, so stop expecting her to put you first.

It’s possible that her husband is a controlling twat and stops her from being there for you. She may be needing your help.

This is a sad situation and I'm sorry your mum has let you down repeatedly.

She's not going to change and if you keep asking her for help she will keep saying yes and then keep letting you down

The only way to get back on an evening keel with her is to stop asking for help. Visit her, enjoy her company, but don't depend on her for anything, then she can't let you down.

Unfortunately you have to accept that you can't rely on your mother and act accordingly OP. Dont ask for any favours and tell her no when she asks. She doesn't have your back. Sort out the current issue of pet sitting and plan the future if she isn't in it.

It sucks but it's not going to change.