Aibu - don’t know what to do about adult ds

[gahhhhhhhhhhbhhh]

My adult ds has lots of issues - bipolar, autism, adhd etc. I definitely indulged him as a teenager because it was hard to watch him go through this. When he became an adult, I would top up his bank account, take him clothes shopping, etc. he had jobs in cafes but he kept losing them due to not turning up, having stomach aches and leaving constantly etc. I should have probably been harsher but I didn’t want him on the streets.

he met a lovely girl at the start of the year. But the issue was he couldn’t keep a job, and she ended up breaking up with him because she felt like his mum.

he was on olzapine for the bipolar, which was causing him to sleep for 23 hours a day. I took him back to the psychiatrist and got this changed, and things immediately improved.

he was offered a job in another city shortly after, which I encouraged him to take. The pay wasn’t brilliant and it was only a temporary role for a few months. But I told him the reference was the most important thing; and that ex gf would respect him more for taking it and showing her he could be an adult.

so he did. The day before moving, he told me at 10pm we needed to leave the next day at 9am. I couldn’t take him due to work and neither could dh because we both had work. Luckily ex gf stepped in. She rang me later in the day to say ds had not told the landlord about his pet, and that nothing had been packed, and they’d eventually left at 4pm. I told her that she was not his mum, none of this was her responsibility and i understood her decision to end things, and thanked her for taking him despite this. They have remained friends and talk every day.

all was going well with the new job, and i was pleased ds was doing well and relieved. I booked a really nice Airbnb for his birthday as a treat, and he invited ex gf. I was really pleased things seemed back on track.

today he rang me in tears saying he has recieved an oral warning for napping at work, and this is the 5th time he’s fallen asleep on the job but the first time he’s been caught. He was really upset and blaming his meds. I offered to pay for a private appt to get it sorted immediately, but he just said he would show his work his doctors papers (whatever these are?!)

i can’t force him to take the private appt but am now tearing my hair out. Dh says not to go and see him or to force him, as he is an adult. But I feel awful. Aibu to go and see him and check in on him?

I would go and see him. Yes, he's an adult but he's also your son and he has significant issues to deal with. It does sound like he tries but when he fails, it must feel pretty soul-destroying for him and for you.

I have a close family member with bipolar disorder and honestly, I wouldn't underestimate the side effects of antipsychotic meds. They can make you very sleepy, sluggish and lethargic as well as many other side effects. On top of this, he has autism and adhd. I think he's doing very well to keep trying with employment - many don't. My family member hasn't been able to work for many years.

You're his mum and it's perfectly natural for you to offer him support. Our kids don't stop being our kids just because they get older. Go and see him. Sending hugs 🫂

YANBU to be extremely worried about him. But you would BU to constantly keep coming to his rescue. Believe me, I know that it's easier for you to step in and help, but long term he needs to figure things out for himself. You can sympathise with his predicaments and offer advice, but he has to be the one to do it for himself.

Best wishes OP. Being the parent of a neurodivergent young adult is extremely difficult.

How old is your DS? How able is he to look after himself in other ways- does he need supported living type of accomodation and support in developing basic independance skills before taking on a job? Or maybe volunteer to start with?

It also sounds like his ex is still very much involved if they talk daily, which feels a bit unfair on her and I wonder whether she's already feeling more responsible for him than you think. Does he have any other friends or people in his life, or is she the main contact for him?

Has he told his work about his medical issues? He may need some help with that.

Based on what you said about the previous meds, that sounds like could be part of the problem.

Let him show the meds to the boss, as he's suggested. Transfer him the money for the private appointment, tell him to get this sorted, and leave him to it.

He has autism, adhd, bipolar and is on strong medication. He may be better in supported employment and not mainstream. I am not in UK but I am sure it is no different we have many supported employment programmes for young people like your son, they would have job coaches offering career advice, cv prep, job matching and ongoing workplace support for both the employee and employer. He also probably needs to opt for afternoon work because in my experience people on strong meds take a long time to get up and organised in the morning. He can only do what he is capable of and trying to hold down a job without external support or the support needed to prepare him for employment is very difficult. I would recommend looking into the employment support programmes in your area.

He is 22.

he is ok with this. Maintains hygiene and friendships. Very clever - learned 4 languages from nothing as this was his special interest. He lived with dd for some time before we found out he had bipolar.
he was making friends at work and has 2 really close friends from school: one is also in the city and went round last night and helped him email work.
it is more the depression cycles where he just sleeps all the time, and also just not turning up and understanding the seriousness. He sometimes has a victim mindset but I have been understanding of this because of how much he has going on

Yes I talked to him about applying for pip but he cried and said he wanted to be normal. I regret using the gf as a carrot for taking the job tbh. Hes fixated on this now

OP, with all kindness, I don't think he is as independant as you seem to suggest - he relies on others for daily tasks like emailing work, getting to work, he struggles with planning, organising himself. Struggles to understand consequences of not getting to work. Knowing 4 languages - unless he is able to use them e.g. at work - is unlikely to be helpful.

He is likely to need longer term support. Are you registered as his carer?

I think you are at the point where gently, you need to let him stand on his own two feet. Give advice when he asks, but let him do things for himself. You will not always be there to be his safety net and you are not helping him be independent.