To find DS’s friendship with younger boy a concern?

[TheSurge]

Prepared to be told it's none of my business as DS is 17 but I'm really concerned for the both of them tbh

My DS is 17, about to go into his 2nd year of college. His friend is 15 going into year 11. They met online in April and DS says they aren’t dating yet but they see both “like” eachother but they’re best friends. They met in person in May when DS to his city, i’m not sure how many times they’ve seen eachother to be exact but it is many times. in total there’s about 2 hours distance(and 2 trains).

I hadn’t really spoken to ds but was a bit concerned about the age difference (esp as DS does seem much more mature than him) and the amount of time they were spending together Plus with texting too, also DS just seemed to change and would have days where he couldn't be bothered for college when he had pretty good attendance before and never was like that even in school. I also know the boy was skipping school to see ds as DS was off on fridays and would go see him. He constantly tells DS about school issues and how he doesn't get along with his mum, they argue all the time etc and DS tells him to ignore them and that he only needs him (which i got a weird vibe from, im not accusing Ds of being an abuser but his dad was abusive towards me and I don’t know i guess that line reminded me of that somewhat)

I also overheard DS on the phone to him telling him that when he turns 18 he will get his initial tattooed which I think is too soon if there not even dating. There could be more but this is just what I have overheard when they’ve been on the phone

Fast forward to this morning hes come to our area and DS is getting a piercing today, I got home and he was here as ds wasn’t ready yet and ive overheard them planning on the boy getting an eyebrow piercing which his mum has already said no to, apparently ds being over 16 means he can give permission and the boy has said he’ll work out a story later as his mum doesn’t know where he is or who ds is. They’ve now gone out and Im worrying about the whole thing especially as ds is happy to encourage him to do something his mum has already said no to and if my ds (or my other 2 children) was the 15 year old in this scenario getting permission form someone older for a piercing when id told him no already id be angry tbh

Would you be concerned too or am I overreacting? AIBU? WWYD? Any advice will be appreciated

Yes I would be very concerned as the friend is a child and your son is nearly an adult who seems to have quite a hold on him.

Hmm tricky. I’d possibly have a gentle chat with your ds and say that he needs to be careful. Stuff like taking a more immature child to get a piercing could be perceived as grooming and it would be very easy for the boy’s mother to make a lot of trouble. I know it’s less likely whilst they are still both minors but the moment your son turns 18 it gets a bit trickier. Also have a word that you’re concerned about your ds cutting college. It won’t help anyone in the long run. He should be encouraging the other lad to try and stick it out at school not play hookie. But don’t go in all guns. Take a very calm approach whatever you decide to say.

You need to intervene and put a stop to this. They’re both children, but I’m more worried for the 15 year old. Your son is grooming him.

DS tells him to ignore them and that he only needs him (which i got a weird vibe from, im not accusing Ds of being an abuser but his dad was abusive towards me and I don’t know i guess that line reminded me of that somewhat)

that would make me really concerned, OP. Why does your DS want this younger boy so dependent on him emotionally.

I don't know how to stop it, yes, I could stop him coming over but he doesn't really do that anyway they're usually out somewhere so even if I banned that they would still be messaging/seeing each other

I would be extremely concerned that your son is grooming a 15 year old boy - telling him to ignore his mother and that he only needs your son is classic grooming behaviour. Encouraging him to defy his parents and get a piercing, missing school to meet up with your son .... none of this is ok. You need to step in and warn your son about this. I think I'd also be prepared to contact the boy's mother if your son won't listen to you.

I don't think the age gap in itself is massively concerning but the behaviour definitely is. One of my DC dated a younger person and was very respectful of their parents' rules, which were naturally more restrictive than ours. I'm not sure he has the boy's best interests at heart if he's encouraging him to skip school or saying he doesn't need his Mum. Would DS be open to a conversation about what wanting the best for someone means?

Get the boy’s parents’ details and contact them. Put your own son on curfew - college and home.

In extremis, contact the police.

Your son is grooming and under age child. You need to take it as seriously as that.

I would tell your son bluntly that this is grooming and it is unacceptable. No child is better off without their mother or skipping school. Consequences for your child eg stop paying phone bill or hobbies etc
I would contact the other child’s parents to inform them.

I'd not be massively worried about a 2 grwe age gap but his behaviour would worry me. He seems very controlling, wanting to isolate his bf from his mother,

Unfortunately I don't know who the boys parents are