To consider going back to nappies for three year old DD

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DD was three last month. I potty trained her in march. Wees were OK; poos were not and are not OK and nearly six months on and we’re still having daily soiled pants. I know this isn’t exactly an uncommon problem but she has also started to repeatedly wet herself.

I don’t want to make a huge deal out of this but after the third accident today I did tell her I would have to go back to nappies if it carried on, partly borne from frustration so probably not my finest parenting moment but I do wonder if just putting that responsibility back on her if you like would work. As it is, when you stick her on the toilet she shrieks ‘I caaaaaan’t!’

She’s probably constipated, especially if she has an issue with the poo part of potty training. That can cause leaking poo and more wee accidents.

I’d try and sort that out first and look at the different ways you can get her more used to doing poos on a potty/toilet, I think ERIC has guidance on this.

I’ve looked at ERIC. I don’t think she’s constipated but I do suspect she’s withholding sometimes, which is another reason I’m considering how best to go forwards as obviously I don’t want to make herself ill.

I would take a step back and take a few days/weeks break. I know it's easier said than done, but trying to remove pressures from you and her will help tremendously. It can be so frustrating and so demoralising having to clean up pee and poo multiple times a day (been there, done that, and of course lost my cool at times, we're all human).

I tried to shift my mindset to seeing accidents as a way of my kid learning rather than the thing to avoid at all costs. As in, it is when they have accidents that they feel the discomfort and when it happens a few times over a period of time, they start associating the feeling of needing the toilet to what inevitably happens and will want to avoid the discomfort.

I will say that accidents will still happen even when fully potty trained (my fiest had a period of time, 1.5y later where she got so absorbed into an activity she would forget to go to the toilet, but this only lasted a short while).

Take a break, reset, and start again when the pressure feels lower. Good luck!

Constipated doesn't just mean hard poos, it can be very watery. Things like blowing bubbles on the toilet and watching "poo goes to poo land" were recommended to me.

Thanks @Wherearemybaubles , that’s what I’m a bit worried about. I don’t want to turn it into a big deal but I also don’t want to undo the progress we have made. Honestly, until a few weeks ago she rarely had a wee accident: today we’ve had three and it feels like defiance (it isn’t I know but so frustrating!) I’m actually very understanding of the sort of ‘was trying to get to the toilet but didn’t quite make it in time’ but the ‘I’ll just pee my pants!’ ones make me 😠 although I do try not to show it!

I know constipation isn’t just hard poos but we’ve had this issue since, well, forever and she hasn’t been constipated since forever! I think she doesn’t recognise the sensation when she needs a poo. She’ll often tell me she needs a poo and I’ll think, great, then I discover she’s had a poo already 🤦🏼‍♀️

A short pause could help to reset if it got off to a bad start. That reset is for you both. 😁

Being calm about accidents and very excited about successes seemed to help with my four kids.

So did involving them in cleaning up. I know they can't really help much at that age, but they can help to put wet things in the wash, have a little cloth to help clean, etc. It seems to help them be more responsible.

Ah. And don't ask.

"Do you need to go?" always got an argument with mine, anyway. 🤭🤦🏼‍♀️

Giving an instruction - "It's time to go to the toilet." - seemed to work better, same story with mealtimes for us.

Good luck ❤️

That's so hard! And yeah, we also had moments of not wanting to go to the toilet and weeing on the floor by (defiance, stubborness, toddlerness...) and I remember once when I just couldn't help but tell her that I was angry she did that 😥

Poos in the potty are famously more difficult to teach, and withholding is super common. I read once that some kids feel really weird, scared or whatever about letting go of their poo (I mean, that made me roll my eyes a bit, but I guess I get it from a toddler's point of view). Maybe there are some books (those with flaps and moving parts can be great) that talk about that specifically. Also role playing with teddies and dollies, etc.

Last thought, does she go to nursery or childminder? Could they help?

Thanks, she’s at preschool but I am a bit worried about this as she’s going to be doing three days from September and since she is three they do kind of expect her to be potty trained (with the caveat that of course children this age do have accidents but this feels less like accidents and more not fully potty trained!)

I think I’ll give it a week, read some books with her and see how we go.

I wouldn't go back to nappies if you can avoid it. Both my kids, once potty trained, had at least one week where they had loads of wee accidents for one reason or another but it passed. It probably will for her as well.

But withholding, daily accidents and not feeling the sensation of needing to go ARE all signs of constipation despite your protests. They are also contradicting. Honestly I know it's hard to admit (i don't know why but people always get defensive about constipation) but it will sort out the toilet issue if you can tackle it.

Have you considered getting rid of the potties entirely, and having a family loo seat and a step for her? She might like the novelty. Plus a chocolate button for every successful loo trip.

My daughter was too young at just turned three. I took the pressure off and although it was months later, she potty trained well with no stress and it was the right decision for us. There's so much pressure nowadays, do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.

Well; but I don’t think she has been constipated since March. @SillySallySaidSo . And I know people always suggest constipation and I do think it is absolutely worth exploring but I also think it’s worth exploring other possibilities too, especially as I really don’t want to give her laxatives.

She has both, neither are particularly appealing! I use toilets when out and about; at home she can use either but if asked prefers the potty, it is better as her feet can be on the floor then.

Id be slightly wary (having done exactly what you have with my oldest, and given up after months) if you think it's defiance just because 3 year olds are only going to get more defiant! (Sorry!) I think there's a point where they always realise how much it annoys you and use it as a bit of leverage. I have friends who, in a similar situation, have had some success with putting the nappy in the potty as a stepping stone. Also the novelty has worn off, and going to th toilet is actually pretty boring. I used to keep some special books etc for reading to him on the toilet ; the dinosaur who popped is fun. I wonder if there's a way you can feel less emotional about it ? Can anyone else take over for a few days so you can step back a little? I fully appreciate how hard cleaning up poos and pees for months on end is 😱 but with toddlers if they spot a crack, you're scuppered.

If she has been dry by day for 6 months - and is now suddenly having wee accidents - then you need to bring her to her GP -it could be a UTI or constipation

I was thinking possible UTI as well?

Honestly, laxatives for her age are really not like adult ones, and can be used long-term as required. My kid was younger and I had the same concern about medication. But a GP set me straight.

Go and chat to your GP as it may be very useful to regulate things for your kid. Speaking from experience.

It depends on whether she recognises the need to go.
With DS he hated pooing on the toilet/potty. We got him to start asking for a nappy when he needed to go so we knew he could recognise the feeling. Once he got used to that he started sitting on the toilet with the nappy on. Then he had to sit on the toilet while we got a nappy from downstairs and one day just went without asking.

My dd is also just turned three, we potty trained a year ago but she still has phases of resistance. I find going bare bum for a few days when we are at home still going about our normal life just bare bum at home helps her reset. I also put the potty in the room she is playing in although not had to do this for a few months.
I try to set her up for success so it doesn’t feel difficult to her.
If she is withholding could you offer foods that will make it really hard for her to withhold such as plums, cashews, dates etc
Has she ever had success on the toilet or potty for poos?